I hate to blog twice in one day (ok, well maybe not hate).
I just have this heaviness in my heart that wont stop, and I guess I'm gonna dump it here:
Jef's sister is coming to get the Jeep this afternoon... Jef's dad decided that he needed the money more than Jef needed the memories of Ronny, so he's taking it back. I wont go into details, but the whole situation really sucks. It hurts my very soul to know that something that meant so much to Ronny, and therefore meant so much to Jef, will be gone shortly and it's all about the almighty dollar. Everything is fleeting. Everything is transient.
If course that flails me into the reality that so many women- women I know and love- have lost so much more than a silly car. And of course that makes me feel guilt. Guilt for having two great, happy, healthy children. Guilt for getting frustrated when said children break the rules or cry for no reason or break things. Frustrated for the simple fact that there isn't a damn thing I can do to FIX any of these women's misgivings.
I just have this heaviness in my heart that wont stop, and I guess I'm gonna dump it here:
Jef's sister is coming to get the Jeep this afternoon... Jef's dad decided that he needed the money more than Jef needed the memories of Ronny, so he's taking it back. I wont go into details, but the whole situation really sucks. It hurts my very soul to know that something that meant so much to Ronny, and therefore meant so much to Jef, will be gone shortly and it's all about the almighty dollar. Everything is fleeting. Everything is transient.
If course that flails me into the reality that so many women- women I know and love- have lost so much more than a silly car. And of course that makes me feel guilt. Guilt for having two great, happy, healthy children. Guilt for getting frustrated when said children break the rules or cry for no reason or break things. Frustrated for the simple fact that there isn't a damn thing I can do to FIX any of these women's misgivings.
Short of doing something like this:
I came into the kitchen yesterday morning as I was readying Faith for school and saw a glass of water on the counter that Jef had drank part of before leaving for work. The ice wasn't yet melted. Panic... I immediately called him to make sure he was alright. Of course he was, and he thought I was a wiener for calling and sounding so worried. All I could imagine, as I watched the little ice cubes float around in the water in the glass in the counter was what if he's gone? Here sits something that has very little meaning, but it will have survived long after he could have been taken from me.
It's all very fleeting, isn't it?
8 comments:
Free eggs!!! I'll take two please. Can you wrap those up and fedex them? Will fedex ship eggs? Hmm...somthin to think about.
big hugs to you. Hope things are better. Any way you guys could just buy the jeep.
Jesus! I finally relax with a glass of wine..get a little buzz on..and you and Kathy are all deep and shit. Honey, you have no reason to feel guilty. You're one of the best friends I could have hoped to find. It wouldn't matter if you had 0 kids or 500, i'd love you just the same. Though..to think of it, if you had 500 kids you'd be way too tired to e mail me. Hmm, let's reconsider the 500 kids..k?
Sorry about the Jeep. I totally feel you about the guilt over the kids thing, mostly when I'm at a breaking point because he.just.won't.listen. But then I remember that I have him, and that's incredible. Then the guilt enters. I, too, wish there was more I could do for the women I love who are experiencing infertility. The free eggs is a good idea, though =)
Sorry about the jeep... that really stinks.
You are so sweet my friend...I know that everyone out there that has experienced a loss does not want you to feel guilty. You are a very huge supporter and we all love you.
I've had the same feelings...guilt about having a child when so many can't...worrying about the day when people I love will not be here. It can drive you crazy. I've been trying to appreciate every day and make as many positive memories as possible. That's all you can do.
I'm sorry about Jef's jeep.
me.. peaking out from under my rock.. just wanted to tell you that I love you and I know you hurt for all of us.
oh and that sucks about the jeep. totally not fair.. not at all!
Now.. give those girls a hug for me, keep getting A's in school and when I see your ass in March.. plan on getting your drink on with me. :-)
It is all very fleeting and sometimes it just gets to you. I was just talking to a friend the other day about women and our amazing ability to feel guilty about almost anything. Hang in there and hugs to you.
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