The Door Marked Exit

I have it all.

Two beautiful children. A damn-near perfect husband. A cat, a dog, 2 llamas, a horse. Oh yeah, the big house, the nice cars. The flippin American Dream, people.

So why am I feeling like I am tonight?

Let's start here: For those of you who think I have no reason what-so-ever to even utter a single discouraging word considering my many blessings, well- go fuck yourselves. I've worked my ass off for or paid my dues in some way or another for what I have. Maybe I've not suffered in the same way you have, but there have been hardships and tears. If you can be a big enough person to let that all go for a few minutes, and if you can really lend an ear, be a friend, or at least send one single healing and hopeful thought my way, then by all means keep reading.

Here are some helpful tips for reading this post:

1. All words in parenthesis are what my brain is shouting.
2. Those words are preceded by what my logical mind is telling me to put on paper.
3. None of this will probably make much sense, but it's either coming out here or somewhere it can do some damage. Face it, words are just words- they don't just fly off the paper and key cars in a parking lot or beat mall-punks with whiffle ball bats half full of sand.

Ok- now for the good stuff (crazy shit):

I have battled (argued with) depression (The Crazy) since I was in my early teens. It took me until I was 20-ish and going through a divorce/managing an affair/finding out my best friend at the time was also having an affair with the guy I was screwing for me to realize that I had a case of The Crazy. I started having panic attacks and hallucinations and heart palpitations before I decided to go see my trusted Ob/Gyn Dr. Karin (decided to = dragged there by a co-worker... literally!).

Anyways, a couple months of the big Z(oloft) under my belt and I had a toilet epiphany to change my life and actually live LIFE for once.

Years later, after weaning myself off the Z, I started having Very Bad Thoughts. By this time Big J and I were married and trying to procreate. Yadda, blah and such I was introduced to my dear friend Lexi (Lexa.pro).

We will skip forward to now- seeing as how most of you know the past few years by heart as this point (bless you all for still loving me). I've been taking Lexi for about 7 months... 8 months... 5 months? Hell if I know, because ey- it's been that nice of a ride. I've felt normal (as normal as possible). I've felt in control of myself, my life, and all those nasty little thoughts I'd normally be having if it weren't for Lexi (the thoughts of boogaboogabooga ya know).

That was until about 5 days ago.

I'm not PMS-ing. I'm not mid-cycle. There hasn't really been any huge schedule change or ANY FREAKIN THING to make me have The Crazy (boogaboogabooga). My trusted Ob/Gyn Dr. K suggested that I up my dose of the Lexi about 5 days before my period is due just to curb any small feelings of dread or grouchiness I have always had. For 2 months I've had no problem with this at all.

But now... The Crazy is here. And the walls are closing in on me and I'm crying for no reason and I'm distancing myself from those I love. I'm snappy with the kids. I'm forcing myself to walk away instead of making a scene or yelling or showing my ass in front of the kiddos (or Jef or my boss or my parents... ok not really so much with the parents).

I don't want to feel like this. I want OUT of this brain that is controlling my body because it is not ME in control.

I've had the suggestion of changing up brands of meds to see if that would help. I've had someone mention meds that would complement my current treatment. I have thought about therapy (but quite frankly all I would do is hand Dr. Shrink a manuscript of my blog and say here-ya-gooo!).

I'm at a loss. I can't continue like I am feeling. I can't risk feeling "better" a week from now and then crashing back to this place.

--The Milk Maid says she just wants to be herself.