For Your Enjoyment

Just a few pics of everyone!


Sleepy time for Ava.



Faith ate almost the whole jar of mini dill pickles... Then went to bed. That would give me nightmares for sure!


I think she's telling me to kiss her hiney. Either that or "check out my legs ma!"


Chip says he's HOT for Bellatrix! See that dreamy far-off look he has... he's wishing he still had his boy-bits!


Faith hugging Ava. Ava eating baby doll.


Teeth. The best photo of them so far anyways.



Ava says "Dough". Or is that "Doe"?



Sleeping length ways in the bed is merely a suggestion.


Me. New Hair cut. Doesn't look like this at all today :D

--The Milk Maid says "Welcome to the Hotel California!"

Friday Extra Addition- The Deep Stuff

I just returned from about 3 hours of pure HELL! at my parent's house.

Let me give a brief synopsis of my visit:

I get yelled at for not receiving a rebate check in the mail and for paying my bills online.

I have no control over Large Phone Company, father. And I will pay my bills any damn way I choose, thank you. I pay my bills, all of them on time, so take a flying leap. Do not make me write you another letter, daddy dear.

My mother asked me, for the remaining 2 and a half hours, "What is wrooong with yoooou?". Apparently, she does not remember what it is like to have ovaries and hormones and PMS or a period in her post-menopausal little world! So, after 150 minutes of the Same!Freakin!Question! every 5 minutes I blew my top, told her everything in the world was wrong and that I was running away and never coming back. Very 7th grade, I know, but very effective on my mother.

Ya know, the moment I walk into their house I feel the need to cram junk food down my gullet and my whole mood changes to something similar to what Ed Gein must have felt at home. So when I leave, just short of making people into human suits, and I get that first breath of fresh air walking across the yard, I wonder what the hell is so wrong inside that house?

Is it just 40+ years of The Parental Units strife and anger all built up and permeating the home? Is it me? Am I electro-sensitive and there some sort of faulty wiring that I need an EMF detector to find and a great electrician to fix? Are there hidden lay-lines under the house? Indian burial grounds? Haints, spooks, spirits? America's version of Stone Hinge (I've had a lot of time to think, ok)!

And the kicker is (:::laughter, bordering on hysterical snorting:::) I built a HOUSE next to these crazies! On purpose!

I really have been thinking about therapy a lot as of late. I really don't think I am the only person who needs it (ahem, Parental Units), but I am certainly the only one who would benefit from it. I also think that a therapist would have a !FieLd DaY! with me. I'm like Shrek- an onion with lots and lots of layers.

For the fun of it all: skin care products!

--The Milk Maid says normal-schmormal

Mish to the Mash, Yo!

It's Friday! It's almost like one-seventh of my life is a Friday....

Ready for some big news?

No I'm not pregnant. Not with one, with two, with triplets or quints or a boy band. I've not even had sex lately. But that's a complaint for another day.

Ok- my big news is (drum roll): I enrolled at a local college for my Phlebotomy Technician Certification! Whoo! I am going to learn how to poke holes and take blood from peeps. I'm waiting on my class schedule (I begin Winter Quarter), but I think A&P will be the 1st class. I wonder who I can get to study with me. Someone with flash cards. Someone who knows a lot about anatomy and physiology. Someone fully clothed. That last one narrowed it down a bit.

RPNC weigh-in: I'm not going near that scale after all the junk I've eaten this week. I plead PMS.

Not a whole lot going on today... Faith gets out of school early for parent conference day. I am not parent-conferencing in person. I emailed the teacher and she seemed pleased with Faith's progress, so I'm down with that.

Ava has a bit of the sniffles today. Considering she's never really been sick (other than a day or two of the sniffles twice before) I guess I can't complain. But I can blame myself- and I have been. I keep running the if I'd not had a kidney stone and been able to bf her for that week then she wouldn't be sick right now scenario thru my head. I know better, but I've been taking every chance to beat myself up lately that I can. Darn that chicken, huh B?!

On a brighter note, Ava has been calling for the cat and dog. She calls the cat "dog" a lot, but I tell her Chip is a cat and then she'll say "catcatcatcat".

--The Milk Maid says labor day just sounds like work.

Milestones

Ava is walking.

She's been taking steps for about a week or so, technically. I just kept thinking to myself, "If I don't admit she's walking, then she isn't really walking- right?!".

Today she stood up on her own and took 6 steps across the den before she decided to sit back down and play.

That makes it official I guess. :-)

--The Milk Maid says slow down, I'm old!

Randomness With Snark Sprinkles

Ever have one of those days where you try to read a brilliantly written article on the pros of prose and all your brain could take in was the image of a big, flashy symbol akin to a cheap neon sign flashing wordswordswords?

I have discovered that I turn Ava upside down and smell her butt an average of 5 times a day. The butt-sniffing is complete with twisted face and sing-song voice going, "Did you poopoo?!". I have also come to the realization that this is completely normal for a mother to do to her offspring. This type of action is only weird when the sniffee becomes 9 and the sniffed-bits become armpits. At least with the baby you are pleasantly surprised by a fart around half the time. With the big kid, the pits always smell like Limburger cheese.

A 9 year olds motivation to do homework is directly proportionate to the size of the threat to take away her Pokemon game. The proportion of willingness will increase by twofold if calling "the other parent/step-parent" is mentioned.

Gratuitous Link: Paris Las Vegas

Ava and I have a new bathroom game. It involves Ava taking all my tampons out of the box and then handing them to me as I say thank you. She takes them out of the box one by one, inspects it, then hands it to me. She will stay seated in her bumbo-type chair while I do my business because of this game.

The tampon game is much better than the last bathroom game she liked to play which I call "Hey you toilet paper thief, come back here! Now! I mean it!".

She's Prepared For Anything

When: Tuesday, 6:43am, before waking Faith for school.

Location: Faith's bedroom, queen size bed.

Subject: (1) nine year old, female, wearing white and pink boxer shorts and long sleeve velour Hello Kitty pajama top with lace fringe around neck and sleeves. Subject is on stomach, turned almost 180 degrees away from pillows at top of bed.

Additional items in bed: 2 pillows (Spongebob pillow, regular pillow); 7 blankets (Winnie The Pooh, Scooby Doo, Random Baby Blanket, Homemade Blanket, Sleeping Bag, sheet from comforter set) Note: subject is not under any of these blankets; Giant Stuffed Dog approximately 4 feet tall; Gameboy and Pokemon games (tucked under pillows); Plastic Nun chucks; Plastic Chinese Throwing Star; Plastic "Hatori Hanzo" Sword; Pokemon Defense Strategies Book.

Subject's Explanation of Items:
"You just never know what you might need when you are asleep!"

Anniversary Gift... Check!

We've had that itch to vacation for a while. Since Jef's jobless adventure way back in November it's been once big game of catchup for a while. We finally got the house refinanced, most everything is back in order, and we're still not quite ready to take a stab at TTC again... so our anniversary seemed a perfect time to book a trip!

We're going to cruise to Cozumel and Costa Maya (two of our most favorite places to go!) in mid-October!! We booked it today, and I must say I am already counting down the days. Faith is out of school for a few of the days we're gone (Fall Holidays... yeah, I was like whaaat too), and I have no problem yanking her out for another day or so for the rest of the trip- my gosh, it's only an education (she can get that anywhere). How often do you get vacation?! The real kicker for her: she will have no clue where we are going OR even that we are taking a cruise until she sees the ship. Why the surprise? Oh come on, most of the fun is in the surprise! Plus, she won't be asking me for the next month and a half, "WHEN are we going?".

I'm not telling my parents either. Not because they too will enjoy the surprise, but because they are nosey and it's none of their business. It's a control thing I guess! :::Evil Laughter:::

Now that our anniversary (and Jef's birthday) are taken care of all I have to worry about between now and the end of the year will be Christmas gift ideas. Maybe I have that covered too!

--The Milk Maid is a sly, sly fox. Meow! I mean woof! What does a fox say?

1st Birthday Party Ideas?

Let's face it, parties don't plan themselves people.


I'm trying to think of a nice, pleasant, low-stress way to have a great big FUN first birthday party for Ava... and you are going to help me (right?!).


There is no way in hell- to put it ever so kindly- that I will allow my whole "fam-damily" inside my house for a party (ever again). I'm leaning towards taking it all outside. We have a huge front yard and a pool (well, the pool is really at mom's but I can see it from here) so I'm thinking perhaps a Hawaiian/Tropical Themed Pool Party?


Pros:

• Pool = cool!
• Mom and Dad have 2 grills
• Dad loves to burn- I mean cook- food
• Tiki Torches are cheep (and what's a kid's party without fire?)
• Garden hose clean up

Cons:

• No spiking the kiddie punch for early nap time allowed
• I would have to be blitzed to put on a bathing suit in front of people
• The children in my family make parties so much LESS fun
• The parents are much worse than their children

Any other cute outside themed party ideas? Anyone... Anyone?!

Party favor ideas:

• Sand pail and shovels
• Bucket of sand
• Pet gold fish for all the kids!
• Custom t-shirts or personalized cups
• Baking soda and vinegar volcano

Wow, that's a pretty good start. Any other ideas that you can think of for a crowd of 30+ ranging in age from 1 to 78 would be totally appreciated (especially if the idea helps pay back all those well meaning relatives who bought toys that clack, whistle, clink, and whooowhooo at ungodly hours of the night all by themselves!).

--The Milk Maid says, "You've got to be smarter than what you're messing with!".

One Side Of The Same Old Conversation...

The Daily Check-In With Jef, from my side of the conversation:

"No, not really a lot happening on the web today... No, no new posts (except mine)... Well, Ra had a really good one about her sister and "E!"... No, I Haven't heard from B- she's in New Mexico with her mom... No, B is with K... The "One In The Hat"... No, the "Cute Lesbians" are Meg and Kris... B and K are from Texas... They are cute too, but it's not who you are thinking about... Yes, Meg is Marcy... I know you're confused... Yes, Ra & Jen are from Texas, too. And Deena... No, Deena is married to Vince. She's the one with the big creepy flower, remember?... No, Vince is not Nick...that's Michelle (with an E) you're thinking of. It's her and Nick's anniversary!... Yeah that's awesome- 5 years like us! Ha!... No the other Michell (with no E) is the nurse. She just got fresh spoogie. Yeah- I think it will too, but we'll sweat it out together for two weeks, huh?!... Kelly and Matt are better... Yeah, I think it's their anniversary too!... No we haven't heard from Supermom all week... I'm sure she is very busy with 4 kids, plus a cookbook to type, plus a husband to look after!... Hey Tracey is house and dog sitting in Manteca. I don't have to remind you who she is, do I?... Yes it is funny!

RPNC Weigh-in and Mish-Mash

It's Rollie Pollie Ninja Chub Weigh-in day (already?!).


I'm at 188.5 lbs today. That's 2.5 less than my start weight!!

I'm amazed because I've been absolutely awful at eating bad junk this week and I've not exercised or really even thought about dieting this week. I did think about getting an elliptical machine, but thinking is about as far as that went. My dad volunteered to bring the Health Rider over from his house "as soon as the weather cooled down". So, perhaps by next year we can arrange that!

I had a lot of motivation yesterday to lose some weight though-- I tried on an old pair of pants that I used to have to safety-pin up that now I have to do the butt-wiggle into.


This diet patch stuff is sounding more and more alluring!

I'm not sure what our weekend plans are other than more cleaning at Jef's bro's house. This should be the last load (I hope I hope). We were going to make a weekend break for it to somewhere (anywhere!), but I'll have to see how that goes to. I doubt we'll go anywhere, but perhaps that's the pessimist in me. I've been having kind of an "Eeyore" day today for no real reason. Oh, except PMS.

Well, Ava is awake AGAIN! No sleeping for that beauty today- she must have plans I don't know about.


--The Milk Maid is sewn from a heavy, durable fabric.

The Bra Poem

Bras are pretty,
Bras are nice,
They hold your boobs
Like a vice.

Lacey, frilly,
Expensive too.
Leave the house without one
And people yell at you.

Poke your tatas in
From AA to GGG.
You know those open tip bras
Make your lover yell WEEEE!

From dawn til dusk,
For work or for play,
Wear them you must
Until the end of the day!

Cool New Slide

Because everyone out there in blog-land needs a good laugh today, I present to you the new slide for "well behaved children":



Whiny Child: But I don't want to do my homework mom!
Smart Mother: Fine- Go outside and ride your new slide.

This would also make a nice treat for ex-husbands, don't you think? Be sure to have them ride in the buff.

And a big thanks to our 2nd sponsor of the day: muscle milk.

--The Milk Maid says that's grate!

What day is this?

I can't decide if today feels more like a Monday or a Thursday. Of course it is neither- it is Wednesday. I checked the calendar. And online. And my phone. Just to be sure of course. It doesn't feel like Wednesday at all, but I'm going to roll with it.

It was another 30 minute ride to drop Faith off at school this morning. Normally, I can do the round trip in less than 10-15 minutes, but since there isn't a road they aren't working on around here (plus no turning lane in front of the school- duh!) I have to really plan my morning out to get Faith to school in time. At one point it took 8 minutes to go less than 1/10 of a mile. That's 8 minutes of PRE-COFFEE time in a car with a disgruntled 11 month old and a "so-not-in-the-mood" 9 year old... and their ever-patient mother, of course. Minimal road-rage ensued: Only once did I flash my lights at the dope in front of me for not moving her car on my exact cue. Doesn't she know better?

Link of the day: Blinds

Now that traffic has settled down a little bit I guess Ava and I will go forage for breakfast somewhere.

--The Milk Maid needs that little book of virtues... NOW!

No Deal

I'm thinking the job-ish thing is going to be a major pain, so I say "no deal". Funny how details change so quickly when it comes to brass tacks.

Oh well, at least I won't whack you with Golf Equipment, C... thanks for the link link anyways!

Well, no Indian food for me today... I'm going to definitely make Jef take me this weekend though. After reading Kelly's blog this morning, I'm pretty much in a funk. Sweetie I hope you can get everything back in order. Until then, I'm thinking about you and Doran. As always if there is anything I can do, please let me know!!

Also on the agenda: Estella's Moms... where are you ladies? If you've gone private please add me to your list: aradia7dragon at yahoo.

In A Bit Of A Curry

Ever wake up with a certain goal on your mind you just have to accomplish before the day is through?... It doesn't matter who or what you leave in your wake as long the goal is accomplished!

I must have Indian food today.

That sounds like a reasonable enough thing, doesn't it? Go grab some paneer at the local eatery and be done! The only hitch is that the "local" Indian restaurant is 50 miles away in a neighborhood we like to refer to as "bad" (I'd need a large one of these: term insurance policies). It would be an okay place for me to go, park, run in and grab a plate and leave, but with Ava in tow it's not really all that smart of an idea.

My second option is to cook a nice dish myself. Which sounds fun, except I don't have all afternoon, all the needed ingredients, or really any desire to do so.

Third option?... Wait until the weekend. Jef said he'd take me. He doesn't eat the food though- so that's kind of a waste. Oh, but it's very close to The Varsity. I can bribe him with a hot dog for sure.

RPNC Check-In

I didn't do this Friday, and I sure as heck shouldn't do it today either (thanks MOM for my breakfast PIE!):

*I'm still 5'8. I was hoping to put on 3 or 4 inches in height, but alas I'm foiled again!
*I weigh 189.5 lbs today... amazingly (that's 1/2 lb less than last week, but still more than I weighed at the doctor's office when I was kidney-stoned).

*Things I must work on:
1) SELF CONTROL!! My gosh there is food everywhere and it tastes so good.
2) Stop being a blob. No more blobbishness for you!

Gratuitous link to a fine product called hoodia. Oh, the things I'd try if I weren't bf-ing!

All Aboard!

We're loading this boobie train back up, yo! I'm done with the "bad meds" that have kept Ava from her ultimate goal of a free-range grub fest. I almost had Ava look into some addiction treatment for craving of the maternal nectar, but I could almost guarantee she'd run into Lyndsey or Britney- and wouldn't that just cause more trouble in the long run?


As I mentioned Friday, Ava has 2 bottom teeth. Last night, after trying to poke and prod and SEE said teeth (and get a picture) I gave up and decided to let her nurse. Apparently, the saying don't bite the hand that feeds you does not translate over to other body parts when you are 11 months old.

I should be getting more details on my job-ish thing this afternoon. Of course, as I know I will pass any pertinent info along!

--The Milk Maid says ouchie

Again With The Real Estate!

This isn't me wanting to move off again, I swear. After many moons working in the real estate and the mortgage field I might have gained a little notoriety.

This place: Broward county real estate is very similar to a company here I've been contacted by (oh gosh they're after me!) to do a little contract work. I'm waiting on details, but basically it involves a little webish stuff, some out-of-the-box thinking and a very flexible schedule. Well have to see how/if it pans out, but it could be fun. I'm still waiting on details, of course. No one blabs all to a prospect, so as the situation develops the Milk Maid shall report!

Click Me!

If you've noticed the recent influx of key words and excessive blogs now you kinda know why! Trying to do that "good impression thing"!

Sat-errr-Day

Faith was gone, Jef and I were enjoying a fresh bottle of cheep bubbly, Ava was asleep and all was well until...

(DunDunDunnnnn!)

...My cell phone rang. Faith wanted to come home from the party. She was "too far away from home" and "missed her mommy". Which is sweet and all, but dang kid it's 9pm and I'm hoping to get drunk (the only no bf-ing perk I can think of) and get romantic! Sigh- I load up and go get little snicklefritz.

So, after that I couldn't sleep and (of course) I got on the computer to look for some different stuff that had been on my mind. I don't know if I mentioned it or not, but dad and I have bought a small airbrush tattoo operation and we have a booth set up at the flea market. It's been pretty successful so far (we've only been open two weeks, but it pays out enough for the rent and the help with a little left over!). Plus I have some side-gigs lined up at a chili cook off and car show and maybe even some grand openings. Money be money, I say! Anyways- there are a lot of things we still need- compressor splitter hoses, chairs, work tables, etc- and so I spent 2 hours looking for office supplies. After finding a lot I don't really need but loved (ergonomic foot rest) I gave that up and went to bed and had this dream:

My cell phone rings. I answer and it's Marcy! I say hello and she immediately starts to excitedly tell me:
M: I'm selling my horse!
A: (Confused) I didn't know you had a horse.
M: Yes, well it's really a small horse and Kris wont let me keep it because of the mess it made in the living room.
A: I see! What kind of horse is it?
M: A Hackney.
A: I used to have one of those. How much do you want for the horse?
M: $30. And I'll ship it to you!

--The Milk Maid remembers why she doesn't drink a lot of bubbly!

Not Surprised

Jef loves guy stuff- power tools, heavy equipment- basically anything that could tear the house down and take up a whole Saturday at the home improvement store is his idea of a good investment! So, when I got up early and found a link he'd saved for an info request on a plasma cutter how shocked could I actually pretend to be?

I'm thinking about trading a nice long beach vacation for a nice little man-prize! How's that for leverage?!

--The Milk Maid gots lots o' leverage to use!

I've Just Become Obsessed

Ok, perhaps I was obsessed with vacation and moving and all of that stuff before, but the more I look around on the internet, the more I seem to find places I could totally just load the car up and go-go-go away to! I have vacation brain and here's my latest find: Branson real estate. Anyone ever been to Branson? The now defunct Palmer Women are from close by I think...


If you scroll down on that site there is the info on the National Kids Fest- they get to ride a giant swing and make volcanoes and Gooey Gunk! Looks like we've missed that this year, but man- count me as a big kiddo for next year! A giant swing? Think I can get my dad to build ME a giant swing?!

So when IS the ATL gathering? Anyone really want to start planning that for definite? Since I'm already here :-P I'll be the fearless leader. When are you thinking, what are you thinking? Ok- nuff for now!

Friday Extra Edition

Jef and I have been looking at vacation spots for a quick "end of season" rendezvous. Faith has some time off in September and October (long weekends) and we really want to get her and Ava to the beach and maybe even into a cool theme park before year's end. Tired kids are excellent sleepers I always say! Any who, in my searches along the net I found this really cool site on Orlando vacation home rental.

We've always wanted to buy a home in FLA and move away (don't tell my parents- haha!). This is like the next best thing! I can't wait to try to talk Jef into renting a 3 bedroom condo. I have a weird thing about hotels- but that's a long story for another day! Condos feel like home to me since I spent about a month every summer from the time I was 9 in one near Daytona! Ok, enough blabbing- I was excited and just had to share! :D

Obligatory Mish-Mash of Friday

The week just seems to fly by when you're all doped up on pain meds! Actually, I haven't had any pain medicine in over 24 hours. I have yet to pass a stone, and I think the little boogers like in better than out, so oh well. As long as I don't stay doubled over in pain I really could care less. The doc wasn't all that worried if I passed them since they are small. I even tempted fate this morning and had coffee (gasp!) to see if that would induce a spasm-fit. So far all is quiet.

Faith is off to a spend the night birthday party for Sarah and MacKenzie, two cute little twin girls in her class (who do NOT violate the excessive vowel/double letter law like the dreaded Courtennay). I bought some canvas tote bags which I am planning on decorating today with appliques and ribbon (yes, I can be crafty- hehe!). I also got "stuff" to go in the bags... A beach ball and some adorable lip gloss hidden inside of a girlie looking dog-tag style locket ("Decorate The Back!" it taunts). Of course I had to buy Faith a 48" beach ball because it was on sale for $1. I had to! I will regret that purchase I'm certain. I also bought frozen Tilapia... not for the girls though. Although I would delight at individually frozen fish fillets as a gift, but that's just me.

I managed to get a photo of "The Tooth" (which will soon become "The Teeth" the way things are looking!):

The Tooth is on the left side of the pic.
It's friend is looking very close to the surface (we thought it would be the 1st thru) and you can see it white under the gumline.

Little Miss has also learned how to climb into the toy box and play, definately making her MY kid, as the toy box was where I spent the first 4 years of my life. At least hers has no heavy wicker lid to close on her head (So THAT'S what's wrong with me!):


I hope everyone has a great weekend! Perhaps our Texas pals wont float away and the rest of us won't melt from the heat! Happy Weekend Y'all!

--The Milk Maid says Love Shack Baby Love Shack!

UPDATED - PS: The other tooth is thru. That was swift! (12:30pm)

B- look very, very close for the tooth... want me to send her to nibble your hand off? :D

PPS- Need more of this Dell Memory stuff to load these pics on the laptop. I think I crashed it! Oops!

Sofa, So Good

The sofa has been a great parking spot for me the past day and a half! I'm feeling much improved with yet another complete night of sleep. Ava is still giving me the go to hell look for denying her the boob, but what can I do? I am doing the old pump and dump routine, and in another 2-3 days I'll be back into the groove on the bf-ing.

My mom and dad have both made smart ass comments like "Well she'll be weaned by the time you're done with those medicines!". This angers me to no end. You'd think they would have tried to be supportive all these months, but it's just a "when will you be through with that thing" to them. Mess with me people, and she'll be 3 years old and still nursing! Arrrgh!

I'm guessing this wasn't the best week to become a part of the RPNC. The meds have made me blow up like a toad. I was 2 lbs. lighter than I'd thought when I went to the doc the other day though, so that's like wiggle room- right?! So with that wiggle room I wiggled right into a pack or two of Oreo Cakesters. And part of a steak. My weakness is portion control! I do great at night because I cook small portions for Jef, but the rest of the day is just one huge smorgasbord for me with fridge leftovers, fast food, and food from mom's house. Heaven forbid I visit another relative- they will literally poke food down your gullet (do I have a gullet?).

So, my RPNC goals are:

1. Eat better portion sizes
2. Cut out fast food to a minimum
3. Drink more water (which is also a doctor's order)
4. Be it karate or playing in the yard or house with the kiddos I'm going to get up and move- anything can be exercise!

--The Milk Maid says shake your bonbon!

How's Your Kidney Bean?

I would like to announce the arrival of "Ava's 1st tooth"! I was feeding her egg this morning and poked a piece in with my finger- and she bit me. Hurrah! I'm gonna miss that little toothless grin, but it's such a pretty little pearl of a tooth who could complain? I think now would be a nice time to buy a suit of armor for my ninnies.

The ME stuff:
Thanks to plenty of strong pain meds I slept like a rock last night! You could have sent a cymbal playing elephant crashing through my bedroom, and I don't think it would have roused me at all. Jef (who's notorious for nighttime pee-breaks) didn't budge either. And Ava slept all night too!

I've not had any pain meds so far today, and luckily I haven't really needed them. I've been drinking enough water to drown a cow, and I have made it a point to stay up and moving as much as I can without over doing it. I went to Wal-Mart and got diapers and cat litter this morning, because creatures other than me tend to tinkle a lot too.

Can I just say I have the best husband anywhere? I do! I do! What I lucky gal I am to have my Big J. Yesterday morning I shooed him off to work thinking I've been in pain for 8 hours, I can make it another hour until the doctor opens up!

I was wrong. Boy howdy was I ever wrong. I called my regular doc at a little before 8:30 and the nurse on-call answered. She could most likely hear the desperation in my voice, because she was all "honey" and "sweetie" with me as she informed me the doc was at the dentist, and wouldn't be back in til tomorrow. She recommended the quick care clinic in town. I called Jef and was trying to tell him I was going to drive myself there (because I am a tuffnut, dang it) and I broke down into hysterical tears and sobbing. Between lack of sleep and pain I was done. I couldn't find my shoes, let along drive 30 miles to town. Jef came home, we took Ava to my mom's house, and he drove like a maniac to the clinic.

Jump forward to post check-in, urine analysis, the x-rays confirming 2 kidney stones... The doctor asked if I would like a "little something for pain". I was so overjoyed at that proposition that I told him, "Dude, I'd wash your car for some relief!". He had the nurse come in and give me a shot of something-

--Maybe Michell can shed some light on what comes in a big syringe and burns like HELLFIRE when they poke it in your butt cheek, and later bruises like a MudderFudder. Plus it only makes me jabbery and say "dude!" a lot, but doesn't do so much for pain.--

Anyways, a pharmacy trip and a urologist trip later I have 2 stones that are 3-4mm in size. One in the left and one in the right kidney. I may pass them, they may do nothing. I'm peeing thru a strainer which is so much fun I can't stand it. I actually thought I'd passed a stone a while ago. Until I stuck my finger in there and it was a bubble. Eewww.

The really sucky part of all this is that I am not allowed to breastfeed Ava while on the steroids and the antibiotic. Can I just say the look of betrayal on her face this morning when I offered her some formula was heartbreaking. She looked at me like, "But I want BOOB!". I think the egg made up for it though. Perhaps that's why she bit me!

Oh and Deena- Jef is still laughing today over the power line comment. That's too funny girl!! No, we don't live under and power lines, but Jef did play in an abandoned nuclear lab as a kid. I don't know what my deal is! :D

--The Milk Maid says where's the beef?

The All-Nighter

I wish I had something funny to use that title for, but I don't.

I was up all nite, minus about an hour this morning, in agony (thanks for the shhh B, but my bladder didn't hear you). I couldn't get in with my regular doc, so I had Jef take me to the Quick Care clinic. Here's the verdict:

Yes, I have a rather mild UTI. The real problem is, drum roll please: 2 kidney stones-- one on each side. That explains the ungodly pain, the ensuing nausea, the fever and cold chills and a myriad of other symptoms. I am waiting on my afternoon appointment with a urologist.

What is it with this household and kidney issues?

I am buzzing along right now on 2 kinds of pain meds, a bigger and better antibiotic, and a steroid. They gave me a shot of somethingerother at the clinic, but it did very little for the pain. It just made my butt sting and made me jabber a lot.

So- that's all the news for now. I'll update if any other jazzy developments pop up!

--The Milk Maid needs a nap.

Monday, Monday

My aunt saved my life today. Ok, not really my life- but what a catchy first sentence huh? She actually just fed me really well (deviled egg sandwich) and baked a chocolate pie just for ME... and happened to have some kickass antibiotics that she wasn't using. I don't normally borrow meds from people, but the crap my doc called in (all 3 days worth) was as useful as a bicycling fish. I have been in constant pain and bladder-spasm all weekend. I took one borrowed pill this morning, and I am almost symptom free. Hurrah!

Now that we're all current on the strategic maneuvers of my plumbing, let's talk about skinny people who have liposuction. I was watching Dr. 90210 and this SIZE ZERO beeyotch was having lipo. Because she was "SoooOOOoo fat". I wanted to write her a letter and inform her that a manners class would have been a better investment, long with a grammar lesson. Then I wanted to smack the crap out of beeyotch and yell, "Eat some solid food you whore!".

But I digress!

--The Milk Maid is not lactivist intolerant

Too Darn Cute Not To Share

Ava, the stair climbing baby...


Happy with her catch- (Buster's old squeaky toy that he was afraid of!)

Spazztastic!
You can sort of see her in total body-shake from the bliss of it all. The sound she's making is like "hooodaaaaaaa!" -- Very Al Pacino as a baby.

Following In K's Footsteps...

INFPs are introspective, private, creative and highly idealistic individuals that have a constant desire to be on a meaningful path. They are driven by their values and seek peace. Empathetic and compassionate, they want to help others and humanity as a whole. INFPs are imaginitive, artistic and often have a talent for language and writing. They can also be described as easygoing, selfless, guarded, adaptable, patient and loyal.

Sounds accurate K.... :D And Shakespeare is a INFP too. Maybe they will have a big Aradia the Milk Maid festival one day! I guess I'd better get to writing that damn book.

Finally Friday Mish-Mash

For you, my curious pals, who have questioned me about this magical tea I have been drinking as of late... Here's the link! It's the Treasure Tea. There are tons and tons of great stuff on this website. Check out the Camu Camu if you get a chance too. That's kept me off zoloft (for now!).

And now back to our regulary scheduled mish-mash:

Faith has been having a blast at school. She said that "4th grade is like 3rd grade, but only better". I'm glad she's cleared that up for me.

Ava has found Dora The Explorer. We sing the Backpack song a lot now. I don't remember all the real words to the song, so I improvise new lyrics. I also use various accents and voice styling. I did a really great Dean Martin style croon, followed by a Louis Armstrong version of Under The Sea from Little Mermaid fame. (And K, I'm teaching Ava the lyrics to Poe's I'm Not A Virgin!).

My pestilence continues: Can anyone say bladder/urinary tract infection? What will I get next- Hanta Virus?? Maybe I'll go buy a pet rat and just get it over with.

And speaking of vermin, my ex-mother-in-law couldn't manage to pick Faith up in the car rider line of school today because it was "too hot". Your car has air, f*cknut. I see where your son garnered his intelligence from.

B, Supermom, and all others on a diet: You make me look bad. I too need to get my rumpus grande in gear. I WAS going to karate tonite... Until this UTI came on like a drunken prom date (fast and way too easy). In lieu of making said class, I will come clean and post my stats:

5'8 tall, 191 lbs.

According to that BMI calculator thingie that tells you what your ideal weight should be, I need to lose 55-65 lbs. I weighed 140 the day I graduated high school. I was a brick shit house too. If I could see the other side of 170 again I'd be thrilled. Siiigh.

Well, my pain med I took for the UTI deal is kicking in and I am about to fall out. I'd better stop typing NOW while this still makes sense (at least I HOPE it all makes some sense).

--The Milk Maid says pee-pee-wee-wee-orange-whooowhooo.

Letters From The Editor

Dearest Father,

I know that I keep a messy house on the best of days. In case you have forgotten, I have a husband, a 9 year old daughter, a 10 month old daughter, and a cat. Sometimes the clutter goes unnoticed and the fallout of a day's adventures goes without being picked up. You do not need to barge in, unannounced, and voice this to me when I am already having one hell of a day.

Let me remind you that you do not live here, nor do you pay the mortgage or any other bills at this residence. May I also remind you that since I am your only child I will be the only say-so in choosing what nursing home you will live out the rest of your days in. Furthermore, and this should go without saying, you do occasionally use my home as a hideout from my mother. I will tell her were you are. I will tell her you come here to hide from her, drink alcohol whilst on my premises, and that you say "dammit" when she calls you on your cell phone to make you come home.

With all this said, I do love you dearly father. You have been a marvelous person and caregiver 98% of the time that I have known you. You've never failed to give me your all and bend over backwards for me. Ask anyone, they know I am truly a "daddy's girl"!

But your "my way or the highway" attitude sucks. And you seem to piss me off on a more and more frequent basis these days. I no longer live under your roof. I am bigger than you, stronger than you, younger than you, and I am trained in martial arts. I am an independent woman. I'm in a GANG for cripes sakes. Do not make me shank you.

Please heed this warning to be on your best behavior when on my property. Jef is looking for an excuse to move us to the Yukon Territory or a deserted island or some other location that even the best, most sensitive navigation system will never find if you continue to cause me strive. When I'm pissed at you, he must face my wrath. Snarky does not cut it with Jef. If he blows his top you will be labeled by news media everywhere as collateral damage.

This letter constitutes as your fair warning.

With love,

Your Daughter

Pre-School Countdown

Faith returns to school tomorrow. May I just say THANK GOODNESS! I was thaaat close to selling her to the gypsies. We had open house this afternoon, her teacher is awesome- I've known her since I was a kid- and Faith is ready to head back to class.

My back and shoulders are feeling much better today. My head has been hurting on and off, but I think it's due to the tea Konetta gave me instead of going splat in the floor.

This really tasty tea is from the Amazon and is really good for just about anything that ailes you. A good cleanse she says. A good energy boost she says. I have been running full blast all day, that I can't deny. Konetta swears there are no illegal substances in this tea. All natural. All 100% good for you. I wonder if I will be cleaning out the garage soon or dusting the ceiling fans at 4am. I'm glad I drank it very early in the morning. This stuff must be Amazon Red Bull!

B- What kind of cake? I've been dreaming of cake all day. Tomorrow, I eat cake!

Ra- Jef really enjoyed the photos of your dog wearing your bra on its head. He's just all guy, huh?! And I'm envious of your new washer/dryer. We have an older front load and I love it. Faith will watch it for hours- it's the "PPV Clothes Fight".

Oh and speaking of Faith, I must share her latest Faithism: (after watching a cartoon with a reference to Sparticus) "Mother, I am Farticus!". Yes baby- you are indeed!

-- The Milk Maid send cake in lieu of flour.

And it's only 9:45am **UPDATED**

Ava woke up with a HUGE poopie in her diaper. Poopie doesn't do it justice- this was a dook. A brown trout. A peanut butter bomb. Not something you'd want to smell pre-coffee.

I managed to gain 5 lbs since yesterday morning. WTF?! And all I ate was stale rice cakes. Oh, and that spaghetti. Oops.

Ava scaled the fireplace (as I was weighing) and grabbed a small rock out of the gas logs. I heard her grabbing around and shuffling so I ran back into the den. When she saw me coming she started shoving the rock into her mouth like a spy would with a secret document. I fished it out as she protested by biting (gumming) me. Add rocks to the random crap she's determined to eat.

I walk back into the kitchen with Ava in my arms to find something for breakfast and slipped on the tile. I busted it, complete with kiddo in tow. She was fine- she actually landed on top of me and giggled at me. I was pissed. And my knee hurt a little. Now my shoulders are sore.

Then my pal Konetta called. I have an appointment with her today. That I'd forgotten about. That I don't really want to go to in the first place. I rescheduled to 11 since mom is gone, dad is gone, and I don't want to go to RELAX with The Faith and Ava Show. Jef offered to leave work and watch them. I appreciate his offer, but no. He needs to work and make some of that green stuff. What's that stuff called? Money. Yeah- that.

I need a bag of chocolate and a place to hide for an hour... who's with me?!

*~*~*~*~*~*
I went and enjoyed my hour with Konetta. She slathered my back up with tons of essential oils to help with the pain and the swelling and the nastiness of it all. Thanks Koni- without you I would be hiding under a desk, somewhere in Texas, gorged on chocolate. (That still does sound good though!)

I'm going to put Ava down for a nap, take a nice long shower, watch my recorded episode of the Y&R, and relax until my Big J gets home. :D

Stale Rice Cakes

I am wolfing down my 3rd rather stale rice cake of the day. I know, how can you tell if they are stale... they taste like styrofoam anyway. I bought this pack in 2005. I'm pretty sure they're stale. But, being one of iron-stomach, I am eating it regardless.

I keep thinking I see Buster. At the door, in his cage, on the front porch. Jef thought he heard his tail wagging in his crate. I've heard that too. During one of Ava's late night nursing sessions I would have sworn under oath that Buster has jumped from his favorite spot on the front porch swing and trotted off. My heart knows he's gone, but my mind still thinks he should be here doing all of his little Buster-weener things.

On a brighter note... It's been a pretty quiet day around here. I've been surfing the net, catching up on a few emails (meaning emailing B at work, shhh!), Im-ing with Jef and Meg. Ava has been content to play with Faith or crawl around at my feet. I enjoy days like this! I have even gotten the Huge Book O' Emails out from the cabinet and I'm rereading all the old emails Jef and I sent back and forth during our courtship. We're some romantic people!

--The Milk Maid is best if used by her expiration date

Oh, The Ponderance!

The discussion of "should we" versus "when will we" have another baby has come to the forefront.

I know there are many of you who are still waiting for number 1... and we're on to the next possibility.

Please vent to me your fears, frustrations, and all the like...

We're still many, many months away from the TTC game. I don't want to step on any toes, so I guess I am begging permission here. I remember how small a thing it was that would send me "over the edge" when we were first TTC... Seeing people preggo and not having that baby of my own to hold. I don't want to be any one's link to insanity or compulsion or depression. So- give me your feedback... aradia7dragon at yahoo dot com!!!

--The Milk Maid is not one to bite the hand that feeds her.

Beautiful Friday Mish-Mash

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood children! Yes- I am in a perky mood. Could that have something to do with the amorous adventures of a certain Milk Maid and her dearest? Certain adventures times TWO please. Nothing puts you to sleep for the night like love-making, and there's nothing like a good predawn romp to make the blood flow!

And whilst on the topic of sex, Jef finally figured out how to make his penis 8 inches. It was simple really. He just folded it in half!

The sound of silence fills the air here. Faith and Ava are fast asleep in their beds. The cat is curled up asleep at my feet. The coffee maker has stopped it's perking. Just the sound of my fingernails clacking away at the keyboard. I am taking a minute to soak it all in.

For all the new moms who don't have mobile children (yet) and all the mom's-in-waiting who are seeking a baby-bean all their own, let me tell you what having a 10 month old is like:

Having a 10 month old is like having a velociraptor as a pet. Remember those pesky little miniature t-rex types from Jurrassic Park? The ones who would watch the humans and learn to replicate their every move. Like learning to open doors, dismantle remotes, move furniture, manipulate siblings, and climb fireplaces. Ok, so the Jurassic Park dinos only opened doors and tried to eat people, but you get my drift here.

Have I told you the story of how Ava didn't want to sleep one night a month or so ago... and she decided to rip the pretty little Classic Winnie The Pooh border off her wall behind the crib? Yep. Tore it in half. Her crib now sits about 3 feet off the wall.

On the upside of being such a smart little dare-devil, I have managed to teach Ava a few tricks. My favorite thing she does is she lays her head over to the side when you say, "Who's sweet?" and gives you the sweetest most innocent smile ever! And then she will continue upon her path of destruction. I don't think it a coincidence at all that there was a hurricane named Helene when I was pregnant with Miss Ava Helene.

Who's so sweet to help mommy blog!


She was "brushing" the cat with the hairbrush- he left before I could get that photo.


Ava is talking to the cat in this picture.
She's giving him heck over something- I think she called him a dodo bird!


--The Milk Maid is a proud member of the mommy-bloggers guild.

Jef's Update

The creatinine level is down .4 to 4.4--- which is better.

But Dr. F*ucknut seems to be writing a study paper on this type of kidney disease for a University and would "love to speak with your wife about doing a biopsy for that... and for your health Jef."

Glad the doc's priorities are strait.

I'm off to research alternative treatment options.

I'm really to the point where I have stopped giving a shit about diet and kidneys and creatinine. I will do all I can to support Jef through this never ending sea of b.s., but it is not going to rule my life or influence my state of mind any more. I have stayed amazingly positive today. And I chalk it all up to just not caring. Of course I care about Jef- I don't mean it that way. I care for him more than anything.

But I can't continue to ride this roller coaster or it will wind up killing ME.

Early Morning Game Of Tag

Estella's Moms have tagged me... and goodness knows there are always 8 random things about me I can come up with to share:

1. I have a mole above my belly button. It's a pretty Cindy Crawford type mole, only a lot lower than hers. It's my only mole.

2. I have a random scar in my eyebrow that I think came from one of my childhood adventures with my 2 older (boy) cousins. They threw a lot of stuff at me growing up- sticks, rocks, baseballs... and made me eat bugs to be in their "club".

3. Songs I downloaded on Tuesday: My Sharona (The Knack), Under Pressure (Queen and David Bowie), Touch Me (The Doors)

4. I was the lead singer of a band in High School-- called Chaos. I never met the drummer, the bassist had a crush on me, and my gal-pal Lisa was the guitarist. She'd never played the guitar before.

5. I have a tattoo of Charlie Brown on my butt cheek.

6. I have 3 additional tattoos. I used to have my belly button and my nose pierced.

7. I was blonde as a child, and highlighted my hair until about 5 or 6 years ago. My natural color is a deep brown with auburn tones.

8. My goal as a child was to become a stand up comedian.

Strange Phone Call

The message on my answering machine said:

"Hi, this is So-in-so from the City Hall of Ottawa, Kansas. I am trying to reach you (First Initial, Last Name) in regards to a parking ticket you received on July 17th. We have traced the tag back to you, and would like to speak to you in person regarding this ticket. Responding now to this courtesy call will allow you to pay the small fine of $5 instead of the larger fine of $25. Please mail a check today to..."

First of all I panicked. OMG when did I get a parking ticket?

Then the logical side of my brain say, "Hey you dumbass... you have never been to KANSAS!".

So it's a mistake right? But that fear still lingered. Did someone steal a tag that was mine and go park next to a fire hydrant or something? Do I have a tag on my car now?! I was at the water park in my dad's truck when I checked my messages, so I had to ride for 30 minutes to see that yes, I still have a tag attached to my car. It's the only tag I've ever had in my name, so that really narrowed that down.

I called Mrs. So-in-so. I left Mrs. So-in-so a message saying there must be a mistake, I'd be happy to discuss this with her at her convenience, and then I mentioned that I'd never, ever been to Kansas, but it sounds like a really nice place!

Of course dad had to comment on this. Of course he did, where do you think I learned my snarky ways? What'd he say?... Something to the effect of, "Did you click your red heels and fly off to Kansas and forget about it?"

My response (in my trademarked monotone never-skip-a-beat style):

"The Bitch Shoes don't have magical powers dad."

Oh yeah, and it was all a case of mistaken identity. Seems when you leave the name Aradia on someones machine all they can seem to reply is "Oh, I thought I was calling Ann [Lastname]".

--The Milk Maid says the bitch (shoe) is back with fresh snark.

I Can't Decide...

... Should I enter the week with a negative attitude?

Yeah, you know it sure feels like it's going to be the week from hell. Monday my dog dies, Tuesday my mom's a bitch (oh wait, that's every day)-- Tuesday I have to tell my extremely tender-hearted drama queen 9 year old that yet another animal has crapped out on us. Wednesday- perhaps I'll break a toe or get Avian Flu. Thursday is Jef's blood draw- come on and clap you hands while I have a full scale melt down. Friday- well, I'm expecting a shower of molten lead!
Or-
...Should I look for the life lesson in all this? By the way, I must squinch up my face when I say life lesson- I look like a tiny mole going 'liiife lessin' all smooshie-faced.

[Announcer voice]: Your dog may be dead, but it's not your hubby, your kids, or you - so HEY it's all good.

Ok- I do kind of see it that way. I'm trying to keep the humor alive here because if you can't laugh then you'll go insane, right? It could be a lot worse than it already is. I know that! But I like some feeling of normalcy in my life. I don't remember a day in the past... 6 months? Year? Two years? When everything was just "normal". When I wasn't worried about anything other than what grocery store to shop at or how to cut my hair.

Jef and I had a long discussion last night about what truth is. Is the truth something you believe to be true, or something that is proven correct, whether you have validity of that or not. Faith's truth right now is that Buster is just sick. In her world he's still alive. In my world, I know the truth is that he has passed on. So is truth subjective? Is it all relative? I don't know.

Like A Bad Country And Western Song...

I'm to the line where my dog dies. We had to put Buster the weener dog down tonite.

They aren't sure what was wrong with him, but his urine was almost nothing but blood, his blood cells were busting in his veins, and he was circling the drain when we got to the emergency vet clinic. They couldn't promise he'd make it through the night with $1800+ worth of meds and care, so the only humane thing left to do was put him down.

Pardon me while I voice my frustrations: FUCK!

--The Milk Maid said it's just not fair.

Hyphenated Friday Mish-Mash

Ava said "mama". Well, it's more like "mum-mum" but I'm cool with that. Anything is better than being called "cat".

As I sit watching Ava toss freshly washed bottles onto the wood floor (after taste testing and making sure they are empty) I try to remember what the awesome question I asked Jef was the other day via text message. He doesn't remember, and I don't remember, and I've long since erased those old texts to make room for more. This will plague me for days to come.

Who's idea was it to make babies so much faster at grabbing than their parents are at stopping them? No, not the question I was contemplating earlier, but one Ava just put into my head as she yanked half the papers off my computer table. File that one under the same category as why babies eat paper (gleefully), why babies have razors for finger nails, why babies crawl off the edge of beds, and why do babies pinch and kick while nursing. Maybe the last one only applies to my kid.

Ava has decided to wake up on average about 4-6 times a night to grab a boobie-snack and then go back to sleep. Believe it or not, I'm not real hot on this idea. Ava- for goodness sake kid, you're 10 months old. Start sleeping through the nite- there's just not enough caffeine to keep me social on that kind of schedule. You didn't do that as a newborn. What's up dawg?

Oh yeah- 28 years ago today my parents adopted me. They make a big deal out of Me Day. I guess I should be more excited this year, but I'm not. We used to go eat, drink, and be merry. But with Jef's dietary restrictions as they are, and my mother's rectal-cranial inversion, there's nothing we all can eat and no one has much fun anyway. So I shall take the $50 they gave me and go buy shoes or a bra or something. Or put half a tank of gas in my car- whoo!

Just remembered the question I was pondering earlier: Why are there no windows inside the airplane bathrooms? Come on, who's gonna be peaking at 30,000 feet?

--The Milk Maid says you can dance if ya wanna, you can leave your woes behind!

Catching Up-

If you love overpaying for food, being shoved around, no air conditioning, and a bunch of rude-ass people stepping on you, your 9 year old, and your baby... then the GA Aquarium is for you.

I will never go back. There is not enough money or anti-social meds in this world. That is the suckiest suck-hole on the face of the planet. Don't waste your dollars!

Ava liked the fish when she wasn't being trampled. Faith had fun when she wasn't getting pushed out of the way by adults. I didn't have to kill anyone. Dad always has fun.

May I add that perhaps my day didn't start so well... We refinanced the house today (hello wiggle room!) and the loan officer called this morning saying that instead of the $46 we needed to bring to closing, we now needed $1744.28. That was freakout #1. And, of course, no trip would be complete without the start of our pal- Aunt Flo. In my rush to ensure Faith's camera was packed, Ava had diapers and wipes, and everything else was taken care of I forgot to pack any tampons- hence freakout #2. Luckily, I used a super-ultra-maximum-extra-cottonie "tampoon" (Jef's word) this morning in anticipation of my friend's arrival. I had a quarter in my wallet and used that to buy an additional tampon from the feminine hygiene vending machine. Or, well I thought I was buying a tampon. A life raft sized pad tumbled out instead. Whatever works I suppose.

After our adventure at the aquarium we decided to go to the World of Coke Museum. Which by "we" I mean dad. It has air conditioning- lots of it! Plus, all the free soda you could drink awaited us at the end of our tour. They have tons of different Coke products from around the world. If you ever have the opportunity to try Beverly soda from Italy, don't. It tasted like a cross between walnut shells soaked in urine and black pepper. I did like the sour lemon soda from England. Faith's favorite was "the Coke from South America". I told her I'd heard that was some pretty good stuff, but I'd never tried it- it wasn't my thing. Puzzled, she pointed to the machine, rather helpfully and in almost a Vanna White fashion. I was glad she didn't get my alternate meaning.

--The Milk Maid says where be the fishin' poles?

How I Met Jef

I don't think I've blogged more than a paragraph on this before... so here's the How I Met Jef story:

I was a real estate assistant at a local office (when RE meant real estate and had nothing to do with reproduction!). I was in the process of building my house, divorcing my then husband, and having a small affair with a guy in the office whom we shall call D.

L (Jef's ex) started working at the r.e. office and we became friends. About 6 months into our friendship I let her in on the little secret affair I was having. D became our "partner in crime" so to speak. He was always with her, where ever we all went, because she was nice enough to let him tag along so I could hang out with him.

Or so I thought...

You see, L was having an affair with D behind my back. Which, he was no great catch, rest assured. Nothing for women to be fighting over for certain. I was 21 and I was clueless.

In the meantime, Jef knew how L was playing me- getting me all worked up for nothing over D (by this time his interest in me was fading). She kept forcing me into situations with him, to see him, to go places- and she'd tag along. Jef wasn't 21, but he was clueless too as to why L was such a "helpful" person. It all came out in the open one weekend after L had a party at her house while Jef was at a car show.

Jef came home from a weekend away to learn of a VERY wild party- wild to the point that I left because of certain activities. And certain people. Anyway- L was packing her things as Jef came in the house. He confronted her about the party (news traveled fast) and she tried to make HIM look like the bad guy. So after 14 years of marriage, she was gone.

I had no clue she'd left when I called her house to chat. I asked Jef if she was there. He replied no. I said, "What'd she do, run away?"

And there was silence on the other end. Talk about sticking your foot in your mouth. It all started to become very clear. I apologised the best I could to Jef, but for once I was speechless.

I was at a party a few days later at another co-worker's house (a pre-Halloween event of sorts). After downing nearly a whole bottle of Bombay Blue Sapphire Gin I stumbled to her back porch. Everyone was gone except a couple people. I was spending the night at the hostess' house. I guess the time was around 11:30. I make a point not to call anyone past 9:30pm. Because I'm a prude I guess. But anyways... I got it in my mind that I MUST CALL JEF to see how he is. There was no way around it. I had to call. I had the house number on speed dial.

After 2 rings a very sleepy sounding Jef comes on the line. A very sheepish and drunk sounding me asked how he was doing, apologised again for the comment I made the other day, said a few more unintelligible words, and hung up. Little did I know I'd set into motion the greatest event in my life.

All of that was on a Friday night. On Sunday morning I got a call on my cell phone. It was Jef thanking me for checking in on him. We chatted a few minutes and then decided to meet up and go grab dinner later in the week.

It was better to eat together than be lonely we said. That was our motivation. However, as a few weeks went past, I knew I'd marry this sweet, sweet man.

I remember the first time he told me he loved me. We were sitting at the bar of our favorite restaurant having a cocktail and eating some seafood. He kept trying to say something, but he kept sidetracking himself and he was looking all sheepish and silly and cute. I knew what he was trying to say (I hoped I knew!) so I said, "Spit it out JC!"

He did. I told him I loved him too. He told me he was so afraid I'd be offended or put off or just get up and leave. I told him he was a worrywart and I'd been waiting on those words for what seemed like forever.

By late December he'd moved in with me. My house was finally a home! And even my Republican, Baptist parents had no objection to this wonderful man. My dad knew that Faith had finally found a "daddy". My mom didn't worry that my ex would try to hurt me or break in (Jef is like 3 times his size... Heck, I'm 3 times his size!).

We got engaged the day the Superbike races were at Daytona (That's motorcycles and March, FYI). He'd asked my father for his permission to marry me, which was granted (with a no return policy- dad said he'd already raised me once, and he didn't want me back again- thanks dad! Always a funny guy!).

We got married October 5th, 2002.

Which was one year to the day after my tipsy phone call to check in on Jef.

Half Moon

Here's the story behind my semi-moon:

I was best friends with Jef's ex-wife (We'll call her L). After leaving my ex-husband I went to their house for a night of a few drinks and a little escape.

Let me stop right here and say never let Jef pour you a cocktail. His sense of proportion is all screwed up. A screwdriver is (in my drinkable opinion) 3 parts orange juice and 1 part vodka. Jef's ideal screwdriver is vodka with a splash of OJ. You kinda see where this is going, right?

So, part way into the evening we're laughing and talking and L puts on some music. I suddenly decide it is the PRIME opportunity to show everyone my new thong. L was adamant that I buy a thong, we'd talked about thongs in front of Jef, so what the hell- I yank my pants halfway down my butt to reveal my new snake-skin patterned panties. L was all, "Yay! You got thongs!" and Jef was doing the most amazing job at looking, while not looking obvious, while really looking.

We've laughed about it ever since!

--Milk Maid says shake it like a Polaroid picture

Faith Wins Lotto!

My dad has been buying Faith $1 scratch off lotto tickets here and there for the past few weeks. She would grab a coin, scratch that little ticket with visions of money dancing about her head, only to discover there was nothing on the ticket to be won.

As I was leaving the grocery store the other day I poked $5 into the machine, got a FatCat ticket and a couple other $1 tickets for us to enjoy. Faith picked the $2 FatCat and I scratched the other 3. She WON $5 (I got zilch). So, after breaking even we stop at another store (gas station) on the way in (I'm 20 minutes from this particular grocery store, welcome to nowhere!). I got 5 $1 tickets. I scratch 2 off and win absolutely nothing. Faith scratched the other 3 and won $11. She thought she was the stuff- let me tell you. She's still deciding whether or not to invest her money in more tickets or add it to her cash-stash upstairs in her room.

Jef just reminded me of an incident before we got married where I semi-mooned him in my thongs. This is when he was still married to his ex-wife! Which makes it all the more funny now.

I think we may try to go visit the GA Aquarium some time this week... I've never been and it is supposed to be mack-daddy good. Plus, my dad is driving and paying... so how bad can it be?!

--Milk Maid says, "If it's free, it's me!"

All In The Family

Remember my obscenely skinny cousin and her daughter who came to visit not long ago? I got this great email from her today telling all about Laken's "Moment's of Blondness"! I'm glad it's not just my kid saying these things:

Laken: You know the big help wanted sign they have posted in the post office? Well what do you do when you see one of those?
Jodi: Well you go inside and ask for an application.
Laken: What if we are driving down the street and see one of them?
Jodi: Same thing, it means they need people to work for them.
Laken: Not that, I mean they are walking down the street!
Jodi (a little frustrated): Signs don't walk Laken!!
Laken: Not the sign, the person on it.

Are you with me now, do you see what's happening?

Jodi: Laken that is not a Help Wanted Sign, it is a MOST wanted sign!!! And if you see those people on it you dial 911 and stay away from them. They don't want to hire them, they want to arrest them!! And NO the Post Office is not the jail so don't ask that either, they are helping the police out!!

And one more...

The kids were outside and Laken notices the dog is out of water. They come in and she gets a huge cup and fills it with water and goes outside while Luke [Jodi's son who was at camp during their trip down here] is yelling "No! Laken not that way!". I tell him to hush and let her give the dog water however she wishes. She comes back in the house and then it happens...

Luke: You know Laken there is an easier way to do that.
Laken: How?
Luke: You know the dog's water bowl is right beside of the water spigot.
Laken (in her most agitated voice with hands on both hips and shaking her head): Now Luke you know that dog can't reach that water spigot even if he does stand on his hind legs!!!!

I immediately double over laughing, and Luke follows, and Laken stands there going "What? Tell me too!"

--The Milk Maid is a user friendly device

Friday Mish Mash

I can never remember if I put a hyphen in Mish-Mash or not: Mish Mash. I'm going to just keep everyone on their toes with that, lemme tell ya!

Faith was watching cartoons this morning (Jimmy Neutron- maybe?) and one of the characters says, "North Dakota is a myth!". Faith shrieks, "North Dakota isn't a myth, it's a country!".

My family is trying to kill me, but they are being really sneaky about it. Jef, my mom, and my dad all have doc appointments on the same day. Jef's getting his blood draws and goodness knows what else, dad is having another somethingerother done to his kidneys (when the conversations starts 'they take this light and stick it up my...' I just stop listening), and mom is having a tendon cut in her toe so it wont curl under anymore. She was the recipient of a botched foot operation 15 years ago. She's just now getting around to repairing the damage it caused.

So, 3 appointments, one day. What are the odds that my gyno will call back and need me to come in on AUG 2nd for my odd pap smear.

Oh yeah, like, January of 2006 I had a slightly weird pap come back. After getting preggo and everything I kinda forgot about it. I'm addressing the situation now. Dr. Karin said it was no biggie, she thinks. But she'll call. Around the beginning of August. Sheish!

Ava is obsessed with the telephone. She yanks it out of the holder and proceeds to poke at the buttons. She was only making noise, I thought, until my aunt called and asked who just rang her number then hung up on her. I told her it was Ava, and she cracked up. At least she calls my NICE relatives. My aunt Sue is like my nuther muther... she's almost 73, walks 4 miles a day, goes to funerals and memorial services to "see her friends" and "for fun", and can outpace me any day of the week.

Here's a funny (funny weird and funny quirky) story: Sue's two best teacher friends (all 3 are retired) are roommates. S&S rock- totally! They would treat me to shopping and hiking and bike rides as a kid. Anything I wanted they'd grab up and lavish upon me! S&S have been roommates for over 30 years. They've bought 2 or 3 houses together. The last house they bought my aunt, my mom, me and a few other random people all got together and bought them some nice house warming gifts. I was the only person there who understood WHY these two roommates had bought a 1 bedroom house. Is my family just overlooking the obvious relationship these ladies share? Or, is my family really that naive?

And today's trivia question is:
Over 85% of all streakers have what in common?

--The Milk Maid says TGIF!

I Would Have Written Sooner...

But my cooch has been on fire. I have a yeast infection. And I really wondered, shall I blog this? Nothing has been taboo so far...

After last weeks sexcapades (Thurs-Fri-Sat) I started to feel a burning in my loins. Well, maybe not loins, but close by. I thought it was desire! Lo and behold, it was yeast a brewin'. I bought $22 worth of Mon*stat Monday morning. As I sit, naked, perched atop my toilet reading the instructions I wonder to myself WHY does the creme and goose egg (more on the goose egg in a few) that I am about to shove up my toot require a note on the directions that it "may cause itching and burning"?? WTF! I'm trying to prevent itching and burning. I buck up, take the odd-shaped plunger do-hickey and shove a "soft pill" the size of a daggum goose egg up my tutu. I take the small tube of creme, apply to areas as needed, and start a dance that can only be described as the "uhhmegawsh that's burning my thang" dance.

I decided to look for holistic cures, because I am a fan of the natural methods of wellness (and I felt like some big, fat CEO man was laughing at my angst of paying $22 for something that didn't help me!). The top recommendations were: Take yogurt with live cultures, place into a tampon applicator, freeze, and insert. I could only imagine me walking into TCBY and asking the young, pimple-faced boy to "fill this" please as I presented Playtex's finest pink applicator. Ok, so the next suggestion was take a peeled garlic clove... did you just cringe cause I did... and shove it in your minge. Yep. Think about it. You done? You're gonna smell like shrimp scampi.

Knowing that I had a doctor's appointment at the gyno today, I toughed out my situation as best I could. Basically, I've washed and blown dry down there and gone sans undergarments since Tuesday. You'd think I was a card carrying member of the Kojack Commandos just like Britney Spears.

At the doc's office today Dr. Karin promptly speculumed my tender bits and proceeded to describe my yeastie condition as a "classic" yeast infection. And then commanded her two assistants to LOOK at the yeast. All I could think of was K's blog on the Tutu show. I will forevermore keep tickets on my person at all times for just such an occasion.

Oh, you think we're done? No... I must tell you how much a doc's Rx for twat-creme is running these days. $54.55! And my insurance saved me $34.12. I was seriously wondering to myself, "Is my hooch really in that bad of shape? $55 bucks!! I could go to Wal-Mart with that cash!".

I bought the creme. I am glad I did. I feel like inserting a bread making joke here, but I think it would just be too much.

--The Milk Maid is so not into baking.

The "How's Jef?" Blog

(If you've missed it, Jef has impaired renal function... meaning his kidneys aren't working properly, meaning kidney disease. His creatinine levels were 6.7 on his 1st doc visit, and 4.8 later on. Normal is 1.5-2. They will do dialysis at around 10, with kidney transplants after that. Hopefully, we wont get to that any time soon. His bp has been high- as high as 240/190, but is now close to where they want him to be at 125/70. This is probably not something he will ever get rid of, but were working together to keep him as healthy as possible for as long as possible with a low, low sodium diet, low fat, low cholesterol, low protein, very small amounts of red meat diet!)

Thanks to everyone who asked how my Big J is doing... Let's break it down:

Jef hasn't had a creatinine level recheck yet. He goes back August 2nd for more blood tests (and I am due for a nervous breakdown sometime that afternoon, I'm certain- I always fall apart blood draw days).

He recently had a bout with gout. Gout is somethingerother where your joints swell or something- I dunno I kinda just kept thinking about gout being something my 80 year old uncle got and couldn't keep my mind on Jef long enough for the textbook description of it. Jef's ankles and feet swelled up to Polish Sausage proportions, I freaked (noo, not me!) thinking it was because of loss of function in his kidneys. He got some meds* and is better now.

*Ok- these meds they gave him for gout came with a warning from the lady doc (the one I like and can tolerate, usually) to "not take these at work until you know how you will react". Jef was confused, what reaction will I have?... he pondered. The lady doc said they make you poop. A lot. Uncontrollably. Jef now understands what it's like to no longer have a gaul bladder (my g.b. is long gone!).

Jef's waist size before all this: 42
Jef's weight before all this: 238
Jef's waist size now: 34
Jef's weight now: 204
My level of disgust at someone losing weight so darn easily: 10
My proudness meter at my babe doing so great: Off the charts

He had a long conversation with lady doc about "The Biopsy". She said it was just one way to narrow down treatment options (but didn't she also say there were no treatment options except diet management, hummmm!). Yes it was invasive, but she's had people never even know they've had it done. She wouldn't make him have it, they could work around with other methods. So, as of right now, I am still winning the F-CK NO YOU WON'T HAVE A BIOPSY argument. I've heard too many horror stories. Period. Nope. If they can work around it (and pay for their Mercedes another way!!) then no hole poking. Jef thinks I am a total freak about all that, but- well maybe I am. I have one of those gut feelings that screams NOOOO! whenever I think about it. It's a feeling like the night I made my mother put on her seat belt and 5 minutes later we had a car accident that would have killed us if we'd not been wearing those seat belts. Or like the time I told my mother not to drive during that thunderstorm, something bad was in the air, and we almost got sucked into a tornado and crushed by a falling oak tree. Who can argue that logic? Besides YOU Jef.

That's all the news that is news for now... Of course I will update as we learn more! Thanks for checking on my bades everyone!

--The Milk Maid isn't psychic, she just plays one on TV

The Sex of Beer

In the middle of a discussion on our pending home refinance:

J: We will just enjoy life and take what comes.
A: Yeah- we're broke and you're gonna die. Haha- Oops thats not my happy face, lemme find my happy face!
J: HUMMIE
A: Ahhh- yeah, we've always made it and we always will.
J: Yeah!
A: And then you're gonna die and i'll be broke :-
J: HA HA
A: Simple as that, no wonder YOU dont worry. You've found a way out, hehe!
J: AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
A: Brilliant! I need a beer. Donde esta el cerveca? Or is that la cerveca?
J: LA CERVECA IS MAS FINA
A: Si. I've let you drink too much Corona....
J: :-)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
And for Tracey (and everyone else too), the Rock Climbing Baby:





--The Milk Maid is 100% Positive that she's a Negative Nelly

Ava and Food

At her 9 month check up Ava's doc told us this: Whatever she will eat, feed her!

Now, before I go into detail I am sure someone has one of these- "??" - over their head looking confused and thinking "what about allergies?". This doctor has 5 children. All of whom were fed eggs and peanut butter and everything else in the world that is now bad for children under 1 year of age. The doc explained that most stage 2 baby food has egg in it (I read the label and it's there) and they also have had exposure to the dreaded nut somewhere along the line through something processed on or near the same equipment. Her advice was to start slow, give her a bite or two of whatever, wait a few days, and go from there.

To skip through our many trials and errors, none of which resulted in the need of an epi-pen, I will tell you what Ava ate for breakfast this morning: Scrambled eggs, chicken, biscuit, gravy, hash browns. Oh and Jef taught her how to use a straw, she she slurped up a sip of diet coke too. She was pissed when I wouldn't let her have coffee... you have to be at least 3 in this house before you get coffee, mom's rule.

Of course Ava still eats baby food. She had 2 big jars of applesauce with cereal last nite. After a 1/4 of a pork chop. And a few mushrooms. She had a few bites of salad the night before that, although tomatoes must be an acquired taste.

Ava has the appetite of a champion weight lifter. Pound for pound, that's probably an understatement. I have never, ever, ever seen a kid (let alone a 9 month old) eat as much and enjoy it as Ava does.

The differences in my children amaze me: Faith was content to sip a bottle and watch TV for hours. Ava has scaled the stairs and learned how to rock climb the fireplace after eating almost as much as Jef eats in a meal these days (they split a plate for dinner, no lie!). Faith would eat breakfast sometimes, a small lunch, and a normal dinner, maybe a snack. Ava has a big breakfast, a mid-morning snack, lunch, dinner, and bedtime snack. Plus she's still nursing a LOT. She must have a hollow leg.

Of course as much as she eats, Ava will also run me in circles burning all those calories! She's like a ball of fire, my little comet, hurdling at me (or away from me) at the speed of sound! It's amazing to watch. And that's usually all I have the energy to do.

--The Milk Maid says cha cha cha!

Friday Mish Mash

Tis Friday the 13th... my lucky day! It just seems to run that way for me- I don't know why, and I don't question it! It's better that way.

I got scolded, but not for one of my usual stunts. This is for something I didn't do (other than laundry, dishes, etc). I didn't report to you my sexual adventure last Sunday on the couch. We had couch sex. It was marvelous. My dear sweet J will be so happy now. He felt it was truly blog-worthy.

And speaking of sex... We did have a little playtime last nite... one of those "lock the doors and run to the bedroom whilst the children sleep" adventures. We actually plotted out a plan of action- music, mood lighting, the works. Wow-the best I can recall that's what sex is like before kids!

I had every intention to come home from my morning errands and work on expanding the ol' specialty promotion biz that I run with dad. But as you can tell, I got sidetracked. I've developed a horrible work ethic as of late. There is so much time that I'm flat out busy with the kiddos, cooking special meals for Jef, doing all the mundane household chores that I am contractually obligated to do as a wife, and then everything else that pops up that "Only I Can Accomplish This Task!", that when it comes to actually being productive in the business I have 1% to give. Sure, I could schedule an hour every day to blahblahblah. It makes me nauseated to think of that kind of regime in my life. Sigh! Maybe I can just train Jim to do it all!

I was driving to the water park Wednesday (in the rain*, duh!) and looked down towards the crap holder (map pocket) in the driver's door and there was Ronny's driver's license. Jef's sis had given it to him as a memento (oh the odd things we do). I picked it up while waiting at a traffic light and looked at it. I almost started crying. It's so weird to see "Uncle Hippy". If he shaved his beard he'd look just like Jef. In fact, when we were cleaning up around his house Jef scared the crap out of one of the neighbor ladies. She said, "I thought you were Ronny!"

It just doesn't get any easier, does it?

*Dad's mantra "We're getting wet anyway!"

I can't leave on that depressing of a note, so here's something slightly amusing I wrote a few years ago during one of my many allergy attacks:

My Ode To Hives, October 2001-

"Burning Desire"

Hives, hives
Makes me itchy.
Scratching, squirmy,
Getting bitchy.
How I hate them,
How they whelp-
Benadryl doesn't even help!
Itchy, scratchy, burning mess-
It'll go away in time... I guess.

--The Milk Maid needs a milk bath

Take Off A Few More Years...

...Of my life that is. Ava decided to scare the crap out of me this morning:

I was taking my rings off beside my night stand in preparation for going to the water park today. I sat Ava on the bed, slid my wedding rings off, held her onesie with my left hand while placing the rings on the table.

The easiest mental image I can give you of how she jumped off my bed (and out of my grasp) is that she looked like a flying squirrel. Flat out, belly flop style flying leap of faith. "I had my hand on her!" I kept saying to myself, as she seamed to float gracefully through the air. And plop! I expected the worst. She'd managed to face plant into a pillow. A perfect 10 point landing. I froze- she's usually pretty tough so I didn't want to scare her into a crying fit.

She sat up and looked at me... and then said, "Hey!".

Then Jim Morrison Said....

I occasionally talk to myself. By occasionally I mean half of my day is spent doing an inner monologue. And just to keep it interesting I have given those voices in my head voices other than mine.

Now before you call the men in little white coats, hear me out!

I am an only child whose parents lived to be condescending to each other. If they spoke to each other, it was not civil, and I preferred not to be caught up in the fallout. So I spent a lot of time in my room all by myself as a kid. I had the menagerie of imaginary friends, those friends developed personalities and well, you get it.

Now as a 28 year old mother of two, I still let those inner voices speak to me. Perhaps this doesn't sound normal (or healthy for that matter), but I am always in control of the voices and they never tell me to gather sub-machine guns, barrels of water, and find the Chosen One. It's a fun little outlet. It's my way of escaping daily life while still being a responsible adult. Some people knit, some people jog. I verbally joust with Jim Morrison (from the band The Doors). It keeps me sharp (he's almost as snarky as I am).

For those of you who already thought I was swimming briskly in the deep end of the crazy pool, I probably didn't help myself any here. But I don't care. We all have quirks and things we do to keep us functioning. It could be worse- I could be a Republican.

--The Milk Maid says break on thru to the other side!

The Sign

I was driving up the road a few hours ago on my usual Monday trip to the garbage dump and to the grocery store when I passed our local produce store. It's very quaint, very small town, but usually very busy. Mr. Kelso's store (as Faith calls it) has a nice big sign at the entrance complete with arrow and blinkie lights that point the way.

Today the sign read:

Gallon Milk $2.99
Apples $1.99/lb.
Lemons 3/$1
Great Melons!

Of course the more I thought about Great Melons the funnier it got. So I drove around town singing Great Melons to the tune of the Hot Pockets jingle. I sent Jef a text telling him about the Great Melons. He replied saying "We must own a sign like this!"

Just for the hell of it (I've been known to do such a thing) I googled "Great Melons". There were 3,700 responses, most of which was not about produce. Who knew?!

--The Milk Maid's melon patch is in a secret location near Peru

Friday Mish-Mash, Like Clockwork

The blog-mobile has been slow to crank this week. I've had lots to say, rest assured! I just haven't been good at getting it all in order long enough to compile it here. Where do I start?

4th of July: Finished the swing set. Any object that requires "2 moderately skilled men over 3 days to finish" is much to large a project for my father to do by himself. But you can't tell him that, oh no. HD doesn't listen. Hence my reason for helping. That and I love a good project. I need to occasionally whack things with a sledge hammer and use an impact wrench to keep my mind flowing free and clear.

Later that afternoon, Jef's dad came to visit and we did the cookout thing. I allowed Jef one hot dog (do you KNOW how much sodium is in a hot dog? Don't look, it takes all the fun out of it!) and made jalapeno turkey burgers and real hamburgers and grilled them up. Paige also showed up. Paige is Jef's 21 year old who usually shows up if there is food or money involved. She leaves for Argentina Monday.

The Paige Rant: 4 years ago Paige went to a Bible College in Buenos Aires for a few years, brought home a guy pal (aka Assface) who's parents are missionaries, he and Paige moved in with us for 3 months, we kicked them out when we found the nice, upstanding young Christian man looking at PORN on my then 7 year olds computer, Paige dumps Assface, and has now decided to go back to Argentina to teach for 6 months. She is paying to go teach. Did you hear that? She is PAYING to go teach. WTF? Whatever makes you happy, dear.

Moving on... I must make a confession. I have yet to make it to karate. The 1st time I wanted to go Jef got off work early, and I kinda forgot about going. Last week I was exhausted. Today well no promises, but maybe. I know I would feel better and blah blah, but I am in need of motivation (perhaps I will look at myself naked in the mirror for a little while!).

Faith found $1.50 in the payphone outside of Wally World yesterday. Then the little goob won a huge Superman from one of those claw games with that money. Too bad she isn't old enough to purchase lotto tickets!

A few pictures:
My dad, aka "HD"


Happy, and not so happy Ava


Ava and her "dada"

Big J, screwing around!

4th Of July and Other Ramblings

Happy 4th Gang! Wow... this time last year I was pregnant and digging a hole in the sand for my belly to fit into so I could get sun on my backside on Daytona Beach. Jef, Faith, and I watched the space shuttle launch from the side of the road just south of Titusville. Life was good!

Now, I'm a freakin' construction foreman for my father and the swing set.

If you stand there for twenty minutes preaching about reading the directions and how when you do read them all will go smoothly... don't you think you should then actually READ the directions?? What the heck, dad! Thank god I was there, or the damn thing would be condemned. Here's a pic of the behemoth almost done:

Jef (now he's the "one with the hat") & HD (aka Dad) assembling the swing set.

And, for B&K, here's the link to the hamhock incident. Not quite as funny as your last posting, but a must read.

Ava has a new nickname: Scooby-Boobie-Doo. It's all about the boobie-snacks for this kid. She has learned to lift my shirt up and self-serve at the dairy bar. She has also become a very, very rough nurser (well, more than she was to begin with). I constantly have bruises and claw marks on my boobs, chest, and stomach (and arms and legs and...). She also bounces like she's on a pogo stick while fully latched onto me! I cannot explain the sensation of this any better than running a marathon without a sports bra.

My mother after watching all of Ava's aforementioned antics said, "Well I guess you are about ready to wean her and give her formula from now on!"

I told her in my usual monotone style, "Not a chance in hell mother! I'm in this for the long haul!"

My goodness, I've invested nearly 10 months into breastfeeding. I've endured blood blistered purple nurples, leaky boobs, the arcane nursing bra, porn star sized boobs, and cluster feedings for days at a time. Why would I quit now because of a little bruising and a few scratches?

--The Milk Maid says I'm much to dainty for construction. No- really!

Noah Followed The Instructions...

...My dad doesn't. That is why it has taken weeks to build Faith's new swing set. That is why I am missing in action today gang!

I will update you on all the gobbeldy-goop swing set hoo-haa bonanza you can take as soon as I can make this crazy old man take a break!

:-)

Aradia The Ninja

This is me and all my cat-like Ninja glory!

(You will never get this song out of your head!!!)

--The Milk-Maid says flip out (and props to rathergood.com)!