So I still have this thing called a blog!

And I'm really awful at updating it these days! Wow- guess the least I can do is a quick photo update of the girls....

Ava... almost 4!

Faith... closer to 13 than I want her to be!

--The Milk Maid says, "Where'd the time go?"

Things The Little People Have Taught Me

If you were to ask me, The Milk Maid, the easiest way to remove a WHOLE BOTTLE of Seasoned Salt from your tile kitchen floors, do you know how I would respond?

I would tell to forget sweeping or vacuuming or mopping. Yeah- completely forget all that hard stuff.

The best way to remove a WHOLE BOTTLE of Seasoned Salt from your tile kitchen floor is to walk all over the floor, then bathe your feet.

This Casa De Leche Tip was brought to you by Ava the Toddler, McCormick, and a very hot footed Milk Maid.

--The Milk Maid says if she and the Milk Man were into toe sucking, now would SO be the time.

It's All Relative

I called my mother not long ago to let her know that Jef will drop Ava off around 11:30 tomorrow. She answered the phone with a bump and a bang and then a very sleepy sounding word that came out more like "huhhlow?" than her usual "helloooo!".

My poor mother watched Ava for a whole 5 1/2 hours today. My mother could barely form words into a coherent sentence because she was so exhausted from her day of keeping up with Miss A. Less than six hours... with my dad lending a hand the whole time.

Bless her heart... should I tell her we are planning a third child?

--The Milk Maid says dreamer, nothing but a dreamer.

dont let zits get you down: acne pills

Two

Ava turned two in Friday.



I have been looking for the words to blog our journey over the past couple of years, but I can't articulate all of the love and joy and laughter she brings to me. The thoughts and feelings are in my heart, but I can't make them hold still long enough to journey from mind to screen.



So I guess for maybe the second or third time in my life I am completely speechless except for the words...

Happy Birthday my Ava!

There Is No Flea At The Market

We took Ava to the local Flea Market today with the idea of letting her ride one of the ponies on the roundie-round thing. Little did we know that she would scream... Not because of the horses- oh no. When the time came to get off the pony they poor child wailed like a banshee! And then she tried to hop off the other side of the horse so I couldn't get her!

Obviously, her dada thinks she needs a pony now. Well, maybe I think that too. And her birthday is coming up. And there are some free and cheap 4-footed friends on the List of Craig.

Can everyone guess what is written across the top of our foreheads? Yes, that's it... it says:

S-U-C-K-E-R-S-!

--The Milk Maid says she might just live to regret this decision!

The Super Large Clinic Site Is Mine, ALL MINE!

I am officially employed (pending my background check and drug screen)!

I have negotiated a salary, filled out all the needed paper work, peed in a cup, and sworn under oath (metaphorically speaking) that I am not a crook. I even resisted the urge to do my best Richard Nixon impression when I signed the background check form.

I am a phlebotomist! I am a phleb at the place I wanted to be a phleb! I am so cool today that, if I didn't have a rollicking headache from skipping breakfast so I could go put the finishing touches on everything at the Super Large Clinic site, I would do some crazy dance and upload it here for you all to make fun of!

It feels good- lemme tell ya! I went to school, got an edumakatshon, and then I got a JOB. It's so storybook I know, but that's about the only thing in my life that's gone according to plan. The plan took a lot of time (2 months from putting my application in), but who the heck am I to complain. I don't have to be a waitress now. There will be no serving booze to old men who look at my tatas. Well, unless I want to do that.

My intro to venipuncture teacher even called me to congratulate me! Even my mom was proud!

And speaking of my mother, she made a great effort to be nice yesterday... She asked if "my friend" (she can't remember My Pal B's name) was in "any of that big weather that hit" meaning Hurricane Gustav. I'm putting a great big gold star by my mother's name alongside the E for effort.

And on a side note: Has anyone ever heard of the "3 days and $75 method" for potty training? Basically you take 3 days, add in one completely nekkid toddler, mix well in a confined area with a sprinkle of a training potty and let stew. At the end of 3 days you are supposed to have a potty trained kiddo. And the $75 is for?... Carpet cleaning of course! I'm thinking of giving this a whirl. Ava keeps ripping off wet diapers and telling us before she poops, so I'm thinking she's ready. Now the question remains, "Is mama ready?". Mama may need some new home furniture after this.

--The Milk Maid says I'm gonna poke everybody!

Getting My Beefy Backside In Gear, And Other Thoughts

I have decided to start jogging. I have a very basic, simple and EASY plan that I think I can stick to... There are tons of ideas and advice at runnersworld.com if anyone else out there feels the need to hit the trail and toss back a mile or two. I would like to be able to run a mile in under 8 minutes. Truth be told, I would like to be able to run a mile without passing out. So, that's my goal now. I'm giving myself 5 weeks!

Seeing as how I have heard NADA from the large clinic place as far as employment I will have lots of time to devote to exercise. I put in an application at the hospital and for a waitress position at the local veteran's hall. It's amazing really- I feel like I went to school so I could either a) stay unemployed or b) have old men oogle my boobies BUT makes lots of money pouring the booze in them.

I blame my need to become healthier on two things: My pal B informed me that she's managed to lose 10 pounds. In a month. Without having to chop off an appendage! Admittedly, I'm jealous. I'm also quite porky. I'm also pretty competitive, so if I can lop off a few blobby fat rolls in the name of good clean fun then why not go for it!?

In other news:

Faith just informed me that the reason we wear underwear is so that our butt hair doesn't get too long. The underwear is there to grind it down. Ya see, the things you learn from ten year olds are just mesmerizing!

Ava has decided that weemweem (ice cream) is the best stuff ever to eat. She says that weemweem needs a poon (spoon). Budder (peanut butter) also needs a poon. You just can have one without the other. Cheers to poon and budder!

"Like Some Kind Of Cloning Experiment"

"I do not want my pants touching my stomach!" commanded the Big One. "I do not want to wear socks- they hurt my feet and make my toes feel crunchy!" she lamented as she rolled around on the hardwood floor with a foot in the air. She is not a morning person. She doesn't like authority telling her what to do. Although highly open to suggestions, she will not take a direct order. She's moody, she's willful, and she's stubborn. And impatient. She's also tenderhearted, a daydreamer, always willing to stop and help a friend or an animal. Did I mention she's also impatient?

The Little One has a stare that will pierce your soul. She's demanding. She's particular. She makes Imelda Marcos' love for shoes look like a carefree weekend hobby. She can pick the simple style of door lock with a screw driver. She can charm the pants off a priest, she can sell a leg of lamb to a vegetarian, and she has so much energy that at times it's like watching a comet rocket through the living room.

Between the two of my daughters, I can't even begin to tell you who has the most vivid of personalities. Faith is constantly into a video game or a scary RL Stine-ish book. Ava has her daddy wrapped around her pinkie finger. Faith can be like living with a piranha- don't dangle your sarcasm into her lake of wit or you will be gobbled up. The velociraptor's style befits Ava... show her something just one time and she will come back and gnaw your arm off with the knowledge she's gained.

And to think, as smart and funny and beautiful as my girls have been described by others (as well as myself) the same theme keeps coming up over and over...

They are exactly like I am. They look like me, they act like me, they walk and talk like me. I hate pants on my belly button. I can pick locks with screw drivers.

I made the comment to Jef the other night (after Ava had flooded the bathroom floor with a cup she'd hidden away sometime after her last bath... um, premeditation anyone?), that was something to the effect of "I hope the next kid that springs forth from my womb is a HELL of a lot more like you than me!"

--The Milk Maid says wee wee wee all the way home.

Hot-Hot-Hot Friday Mish-Mash

As we age, strange things happen to our bodies. As we have children, the oddities grow by leaps and bounds. Strange hairs suddenly appear on areas that were formerly bare, acne improves or worsens- depending on your skin type, and the occasional hot flash may begin to creep up on you like a four year old with a garden hose leaving you soaked from your head to the creases behind your knees.

I've been privy to all of the above (and more, trust me- so much more), but the worst part of it all has to be the hot flashes. Take one part post-pregnancy hormones, add in a heaping cup of breastfeeding for 19 months (oh sure you stop bf-ing thinking you'll be free of all that jazz but NOooOooo), shake that around with an 86 degree day with 99% humidity and what do ya get?

A little something like this:

"Turn off the A/C!! It's a little cold in here woman!"

--The Milk Maid says what's YOUR caption for Ava?

maybe she can warm up on this exercise equipment! we can hook Ava up to a tread mill and power the whole house... like a hampster in a wheel, round and round she'll go. neighbors will come from miles around to see her, bring her an energy bar, and beg to lease her out for themselves. "PLEEEZE they will beg- let me borrow that kiddo for my house. i need four jobs just to pay the electric bill. pooey and poo poo poo!"

The Amazing Velcro Toddler

Jef has learned, in a rather tongue and cheek style, that Ava is a needy little thang.

Jef has come to understand why I would shove Ava at him at the end of a long day and run and hide by myself for a good 15 minutes before reemerging into the "real" world of Doradoradora and bitebite and UUUrrrghhHHppphhagHHhh!

Jef understands how hard it is to go potty by himself. He's learned how to "cut it off" in the middle of doin the ol bidnez at Ava's command, just to end up being shown a toy or have an endless stream of jabber tossed in his direction.

The realization of not being able to get anything done, which admittedly Jef already knew about, was ingrained deeper into his soul as he tried to doo laundry and clean the kitchen and all the other "simple" chores that need to be done.

Jef has learned how hard it is to be a mom. How hard it is to hold it all together and keep everything running and juggle the responsibility.

And by golly, he's loving every single minute!

--The Milk Maid says her job security is looking shaky and she might start shilling for this acne treatment stuff at any moment.

Slacker Mom Diaries, Part One

This week has kind of gone by like a dream.

I awake an hour past my regular time to scrambled eggs, bacon, and a fresh cup of coffee on Monday. This is after Jef had chauffeured Faith to school and Ava tagging along for the ride after a homemade breakfast (made by my devilishly sweet hubby who is bound and determined to win the Mom Of The Year Award).

I was off from my morning classes Tuesday and Wednesday morning, I hit the chiropractor a few days- Monday and Thursday?-, I had a massage AND went out with a friend from school one night (I drank a lot and can't remember diddly other than riding in her convertible singing something about apple bottom jeans and the boots with the fur, the fur).

Jef will be home again this coming week, Faith is out of school on Friday (where the heck has the year gone?!), and life is swinging by at a fast clip- All is well.

I forgot to Friday Mish-Mash for the first time since Thanksgiving, but I don't think anyone missed me too much (*wink*).

Ava went to a bouncie-jumpie-blow up thingie party today. The little birthday girl, Bianca, is the daughter of one of my dad's pals. She was literally half the size of Ava, as were most of the other children. The only child that came close to Ava's size was a 3 year old. Ava was fearless, as usual. Ava climbed the 20 foot (almost vertical) slide all by herself and went like a wild banshee. Everyone was amazed that she wasn't quite 20 months old and was climbing and running and talking like such a big girl. I had so many parents come and chat with me- they've never seen a kid quite like Avie Gravie. I told them they broke the mold on that one- the world can only take so much. She's my little Fearless Freep!

Tune in (sometime) for more Slacker Mom Diaries...

--The Milk Maid says cheers and beers, no fears!

lax a dab on this outdoor furniture

Lactation Cessation Mish-Mash

It's official... Ava has weaned herself. I have a lot of mixed emotions about this, and I'm not even sure where to begin putting my feelings into words. I miss her snuggle time with me. I miss her enjoyment. I miss the comfort only I could provide.

*

We made it to 19 months.

*

That's one year, seven months, a week, and a couple of days.

*

Approximately 600 days.

*

There were so many times I wanted to give up in the early days. There has been so much knowledge gained. There's just so much to write, but again the words just don't seem to want to flow forth onto the page.

*

*

--The Milk Maid says can I still be the Milk Maid?

While At The Diner I Ordered A Large Perpendicular Plate Of Ethmoid

My A&P assignment this week is to cover all of "The Skeleton: Bones and Joints" chapter along with "The Muscular System". So, in one fantabulous week, I get to learn all the bones and all the muscles. I'm actually looking forward to the challenge of this! I enjoy my A&P class even though it is a pain to do all the book work (these two chapters alone make up 1/3 of the workbook). A lot of the exercises we have to do are repetitious and not conducive to my learning style, but whatever the teacher wants is what I do.


Ava's 18 month check up was today (we were a little late, as she is 19 months old). She was 35" tall, 28.8 lbs, and the doc said she looked absolutely perfect! As I was filling out a question and answer form in the exam room Ava learned how to open the door and run down the hall and through the building, squealing with delight the whole way, clad only in a diaper which she decided about half way down the hall to remove and sling back towards me. I wish I'd had a video camera!!! The whole place was rolling with laughter at my nekkid giggling escape artist.


Well gang, I'm back to the books for a while. If I'm lucky I can finish up another few pages of muscle study work and grab a bath before Ava wakes up and we are off and running again!



--The Milk Maid says where oh where oh where is Thumbkin?

Remember your mother this Mother's Day with a nice little gift basket!

Fluffin' Stuffs

Zeus decided to de-fluff his new toy a couple nights ago...

And apparently the urge to de-fluff is rather catching!

Scene from the Great Pillow De-Fluff 2008, Faith's room

I can't be too mad at Faith for that since she brought home an all A's progress report! This was her 1st all A's progress report or report card ever. Her guided reading grade has come up from a 74 to an 89 to now a 100 average. The only grade that dropped at all was math, and it was from a 96 to a 95... and there is no way I can complain about that. I'm totally impressed with my Faithie-Poo!!

I took Faith on a little Tar.get shopping adventure this afternoon and got her some more evil stupid expensive worthless Pokemon cards and collectibles. What ever it takes to keep her motivated, right?

Ava gets her stitches out tomorrow. We don't have an appointment, but I think (?) we are just supposed to show up. If I'm mistaken, I will let her just gnaw the sutures out like she's already been trying to do any way (insert face full of exasperation here). Here's a pic of her arm for all the curious onlookers:

I'll leave you today with the mental image of what I see in front of me:

A toddler pulling her shoes off, bending over to the floor to grab a toe and putting it in her mouth, and the sounds of slurp slurp slurp as she contentedly licks the salty toe-sweat away!

--The Milk Maid says chew me up and spit me out!

The 'This IS My Happy Face' Friday Mish-Mash

There have been so many let downs, so many heartbreaks and incidents, and so many hurt feelings in my little blogosphere this week. I had two choices this morning when it became blog-time: Write a sappy heart-felt blog or write something humorous. I vote that laughter is the best medicine, so here we go people- picking up where I left off Tuesday with Ava's adventure in stitches:

Ava is healing quite well from her slip-n-slide fiasco. Thanks for all the well wishes! On the doc's advice I have been keeping a little gauze roll bandage over the stitches since she wants to pull them out (ugg). The has only tried to gnaw thru the gauze twice so far, and we have managed to avoid putting one of those plastic collar thingies around her neck.

Wednesday, around our 5 o'clock snack time, Ava was following me to the kitchen for a pack of crackers and a drink. I make the turn at the counter to see Ava do her best "John Ritter, Three's Company" style pratfall. Seriously people, it was hilariously funny- her little feet just going like mad, her arms waving about! Unfortunately, she fell flat on her face and busted her lip open. She bled all over the floor, all over my new white shirt, all over the cat who came to try and figure out what the hell was happening. Ava isn't too worse for wear luckily.

Chip says hello by the way:

This morning is the only day I don't have school this week, so I used my free time to run a few errands like going to the dump, grabbing a few necessities at Tar.get and grabbing some dog food at the pet store. Ava has decided she will NOT ride in the buggy (that's a shopping cart for you Yanks) at the store. Try your best to picture me lugging a 29 pound Ava over one shoulder (kicking and screaming) and a 40 pound bag of dog food over the other shoulder (it held quite still luckily) as I tried to unlock the car via remote by only using my teeth.

--The Milk Maid says walrus gumbo and CAT5e!

Did My Day Get Easier??

No, but thanks to all who asked!

After the previous fun Ava and I had, I had settled back into studying my A&P. I hear Ava in the kitchen (that I usually keep gated off) so I walk in to the kitchen and check on her... She's playing with a doll in the floor. About that time the phone rings so I walk into the den.

I am about 6 steps away from Ava when I hear a glass sliding on the counter. I immediately turn to see what she is grabbing and see the liquid from the glass tip as she drags the glass from the counter. I continue walking towards Ava. She slips as the liquid sloshes onto the floor, the glass drops onto the tile, breaking into shards.

Ava slips and falls.

Her right wrist lands onto a piece of the shattered glass (which remained intact on the drinking vessel itself). I grab her up and look for blood.

I see no blood.

I walk to our couch, a mere 15 steps away, and set Ava down. All the while I have the plan to call 911 if I see copious amounts of blood. After seeing nothing much, I grab a clean towel, put pressure on the cut and wait.

A million things run through my mind from paramedics to stitches to her bleeding out and dying in front of me.

After a couple minutes- at the very least- I remove my compress and look. No blood. Shallow?

I take a few moments to collect myself and let Ava sit with her wrist propped against the towel. I clean up the glass, continuously checking to see if she'd moved, bled, fainted, died.

She was fine- Laughing at the TV actually.

After about 10 more minutes I put her on the counter of the sink and put peroxide on her cut. I could see how jagged it was... it looked a little deeper than I first thought.

Fast forward between me calling B for reassurance, me calling my dad for butterfly bandages, me calling Jef so hopefully he would just know what the hell to do!!!! and I could go from there.

I decided at this point that there were two options: Put a maxi-pad on the wound and let it heal or wrap it with something thinner and be able to check if there was a lot of blood loss.

I opted for a paper towel folded in fourths and some medical tape to hold it in place. I'm glad I went for this option, even though there was no further bleeding to speak of, but it allowed me the confidence to untape the wound and look at it...

Deep people. I was looking for the words to tell B what I saw, and I can think now that maybe adipose fat was what I was thinking. If I'm wrong with my definition, someone please tell me- but that is the only med term word I could think of at the time...

A little fatty blobby yellowish thingie- which I knew was FAT of some sort- was hanging out of the cut. Dad got home soon after I had called B for a second time (because B is the guru of all medical knowledge or she at least knows who IS the guru). Dad brought home some butterfly bandaids, and as I cleaned Ava's arm with peroxide and the wound bubbled and as the little fat blobs seemed evermore prominent, I knew that I HAD TO TAKE Ava to the doctor.

Long story short, I took Ava to the quick care clinic. She got 5 (maybe 6, I lost count) stitches in her right wrist. I realized I was in the absolute RIGHT line of work, because even though I was concerned for my daughter I was also intrigued with the inner-workings of her wound, the cleaning and stitching, and the Q&A of the doc on call at the clinic.

I also realized how lucky we had gotten... the little blue vein that would have caused a "major emergency" (per clinic doc) was only centimeters, nay millimeters, away. I only realized the depth, literally and figuratively, of Ava's wound once the doc pulled it open to examine and flush.

It was probably a 1/2 inch deep.

I felt like such a shitty mom. I still do. But things happen, right?

It doesn't make it any easier for me.

And, you ask, how is Miss Ava?

She's playing and laughing like nothing ever happened. She's happy as a lark.

She only got mad when the doc and 4 nurses held her down and made her be still (Well, she would call that PISSED in Ava-land).

Until 11pm she played, despite the meds to make her sleepy.

--The Milk Maid says she's glad Ava was a girl and not a boy, cause dude- can you imagine?!
budgeting software

One Of Those Stories The Milk Maid Is Sorta Famous For...

After getting Ava to sleep and then working on my A&P study guide for hours, I developed a headache and a case of the yawns. As soon as Ava awoke from her nap I tossed my books down and loaded up the family truckster and headed to get a caffeinated beverage from the convenience store.

I chose a 16oz R.ed Bull and grabbed Ava a small juice-type beverage with one of those pull-to-slurp tops. She drank about half of her drink while we went to the bank and ran a couple errands. We arrived back home, and of course I went to check the photos that B had sent from her recent Relay for Life walk. That's about the time the following chain of events happened:

Ava came through the house and wanted a "bitebitebite" and was carrying a tin of mixed nuts. I told her to take one, so in toddler speak that translates to take one hand full. I know that she will eat the small hand full of nuts one at a time, so I let her sit beside me and nibble while I read a blog or two. She gets up and wanders into the den (just out of sight). I hear papers shuffling and realize that it might be Ava in my school books and work, so I jump up and look.

Ava had taken the remaining juice-type beverage and poured it on my workbook that I will need to turn in to the teacher tomorrow. I grab the book, dripping blue liquid all over the couch, and run for my bathroom. I calmly grab the blow dryer, turn it on, and start to dry the book.

I look left and Ava is trying to get into my shower. I say no, no Ava! about the time she sits in the wet shower floor. I say get up! and she does while simultaneously grabbing a MOLDY SPONGE and putting it in her mouth. I scream NO AVA NO NO!! and she drops the sponge along with a mouth full of half-chewed nuts onto the rug. I run to move the MOLDY SPONGE and pick up the nuts as Ava opens the toilet lid and tries to stick her head into the bowl.

So there I am holding a wet book, a blowing hair dryer, kicking a MOLDY SPONGE while temporarily forgetting about the half-chewed nuts that I of course manage to step in while keeping Ava swirlie-head free by closing the toilet lid with my elbow.

Ava exits the bathroom stage right and I finish drying the book (which wasn't too worse for wear, actually). As I leave the bathroom I discover Ava using both hands to rub her tongue. Revenge of the MOLDY SPONGE?? No, Ava had managed to spend the 23 seconds I remained in the bathroom after she'd ran off to scale her 5 foot tall cabinet and grab (and drink some of) a bottle of milk from, well- maybe this morning? Maybe last night?

The kicker of the story is, that when I took the milk away from Ava she screamed and cried and was mad at me.

It Has Come To My Attention...

...That I seem to be neglecting my blog (thanks for pointing that out B!).

So here I am. I'm blogging. See me?!

Ava was sick Monday and Tuesday- fever, belly ache, generally cranky. I think she was really constipated and cutting teeth at the same time (only theory I got folks). I have her a small suppository and she had a massive poop. It'd been three whole days, and lemme just say- wow! I beg the large zoo mammal to please remove yourself from Ava's rear end because I know my baby is not capable of making anything like that all by herself!

In other non-fecal related news Faith brought home a wonderful report card of A's and B's... she's brought all her grades up this time (with the exception of one, but it went from low A to high B, so no worries!). She also came up to me today and asked if she could spend the money she'd been saving on a Ninten.do DS. Believe it or not, she has more than enough casho to buy one! I am taking her tomorrow (and mama is going looking at lap tops too- whooo!).

My school resumes next week. I am o-v-e-r-j-o-y-e-d at that peeps. I'd forgotten how much I enjoy doing nothing all day, not thinking, and not having to wear a bra. Oh well, education calls and I have a 4.0 GPA to uphold, so off I go to skool I shall trot.

--The Milk Maid says it ain't easy to be this cheesy!

Friday Mo-Photo

File these under "Reasons to wean an 18 month old".

Busy Thursday

I have finally gotten the gang packed up for our Houston Adventure. Well, I'm going to admit it-- only because B will call me out on this if I don't-- I had us mostly packed yesterday. And then I unpacked us. And repacked us. And unpacked us again this morning.

Obsessive compulsive packer you say? Yes. I am. Plus I bought a bunch of stuff on sale (like 80% off kinda sale!) at Ko.hls this morning. Did I need 7 new dressy t-shirts? No, but at $4 or less each, I couldn't resist. I did need a pair of blue jeans, and I found a perfect pair for $8!! I love shopping trips like that. They are way too far in between for me!

Ava and I had a great breakfast this morning. It wasn't the location (that place where the cows say "eat more chicken") but just how much fun she was! She ate half of my eggs, half a biscuit, and drank oj through a straw. We went shopping afterwards, and I think the big ol' meal made her sleepy. She behaved through my rounds at The Wally picking up a few last minute things, and also through our marathon trip at Ko.hls. We dropped dry cleaning, got Jef's bp meds refilled, and did a few more things before coming home. She collapsed into slumber shortly thereafter.

Well gang, I guess this is it until tomorrow's Friday Mish-Mash... To bide your time and keep your brain running strong here's an article on cerebral palsy symptoms.

--The Milk Maid says I'm locking the luggage and hiding the key-- One day til Houston!