And then there were four..

Four knee surgeries that is!

My fourth and (possibly, maybe) final procedure is complete on the ol' knee.

I had what is called a manipulation under anesthesia on my knee to break up scar tissue that had formed and frozen my knee joint. The procedure required anesthesia because of the level of pain involved during the breaking up of the scar tissue. Dr. Hottie McGropesalot also had my anesthesiologist pal give me a femoral nerve block to help deaden the pain that was sure to follow. I was one of the supremely lucky people out there who had a block that lasted for almost 48 hours!

Oh sure, I couldn't walk without crutches for that time, but I felt nooooo pain at all and kept my knee moving in my therapy chair thus keeping scar tissue from reforming.

I'm at 75% range of motion in my knee and I'm trading in my flexion chair for an extension brace that I have to wear a couple times a day just to keep my knee where it will straighten all the way out.

So... maybe this will be the last post about knees and surgery and therapies to bend and straighten and manipulate my lower extremity and perhaps we can get into more exciting stuff like how Ava has grown, yet still refuses to potty train and Faith being a tween and such silliness in her life like her friend who is a boy, yet is not her boyfriend whose nickname is Corn (he calls her Taco, so it must be a good match).

And, maybe- just maybe- we will pickup a new character along the way in the form of a baby. Not in the immediate future, but that dream is by no means lost.

--The Milk Maid says stay tuned!

And Then She Asked Me How It Made Me Feel

Yep, the psychiatrist asked me the question I dreaded the most. And I humored her by answering, but only after telling her I did not like that question and informing her I would comply just once by answering her.

I started doubting the ability of Mimi Therapist-Pants and her 10+ years of doctoral degree education when she said, "I think you might be OCD". Come on people, anyone out there who has read more than 2 pages of my blog could tell you that.

I was also not surprised (because I am the Queen of Dr. Google) that she diagnosed me as Bi-Polar. Again, even if you are a casual reader of this blog, you have probably noticed the highest-highs followed by the lowest of lows and then a bounce back. Rarely (if ever) is there just a nice and normal (normal-schmormal) day where everything flows along without the ebb and flow of 20-foot waves of life crashing me.

Just as I was thinking I could have self-diagnosed myself and ordered meds from Canada or something, little Ms. Mimi Therapist-Pants floored me by asking, "In the 12 or 13 years you have been on anti-depressants have you ever felt relief from these symptoms?"

I blinked. I cocked my head to one side and then another. I really thought about the question at hand. Has anything I tried over the past decade plus truly relieved my symptoms?

No.

Taking everything in to my head, processing it and rolling around my new found diagnoses like a piece of hard candy you want to savor the flavor of as long as possible, I came to the conclusion that I don't think I have ever been truly just "depressed". After reading this handy little wiki-article it all made so much sense. It's the reason why I could be happy as a clam one second and lock myself in the bathroom for 2 hours and cry the very next breath- for no reason at all. It's the reason I'm singing and dancing one minute and can't bear to speak the next. It's the reason I start writing a story with true passion and then can't even imagine having to open the saved file a day later.

Perhaps I have turned a page. Perhaps I have started a whole new chapter. I might just be writing a whole new book on how my life got turned around.

However this all pans out, you know there will be adventure and chaos attached.

--The Milk Maid says her therapist didn't even have a couch!

Early Morning Ponder

Have you ever looked up at the ceiling while in the shower only to see what looks like a tiny spider crawling towards you from the other side of the room?

Have you ever prepared yourself, shower nozzle in hand, to blast that tiny spider from the sanctity of your lair into kingdom come with the water jet set to pulsate?

Have you ever let loose a battle cry of, "sheet rock and subfloor be damned!" as you prepared to take aim by crouching in the farthest corner of the shower?

Have you ever realized, in the middle of defending your territory and your naked body, that the said "spider" was really just a lady bug?

Have you ever had a conversation with a lady bug that was all, "Oh hello Mrs. Lady Bug- I hope thee are well today my fair maiden!".

--The Milk Maid says she, of course, would never do such a thing.

And she would never call any moving companies over arachnids!

The Milk MEAD Does RenFest

MEAD: Honey Wine

After two bottles of this delectable libation at the Houston Renaissance Festival yesterday (shared with my Pal B, of course) I officially declared myself the Milk Mead!

Drunken debauchery, men in kilts taking photos of their bare genitalia, henna tattoos, steak on a stick, Mud Men, and K grounding us from any further alcohol were only some of the highlights of this weekend...

There was also drunk dialing, discussions (in depth) of Brazilian waxing, the whoring of Christoper Titus' comedy on You-Tube, drinking before noon, and the waking up of people who had to go to work today (late last night = getting yelled at).

Tomorrow is back to reality. I fly back home later tonight and leave H-town until a date to be announced much later.

I leave my friends B&K, I leave the city I've come to love, I leave company I am at home with.

-The Milk Maid says party on til next time Garth!

Firework Friday Mish-Mash

Happy 4th my peeps!

I'm in happy Houston for the long weekend... B&K have pretty much taken me hostage and are feeding me copious amounts of food, forcing me to imbibe far too much alcohol, making me sing and dance to Salt & Peppa songs, watch dirty comedy movies, and have a TERRIFIC time!

Today we head out for some adventure (to some undisclosed location).

Hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday!

--The Milk Maid says whatchu wanna do, I wanna shoop!

memory

Window Pain

Once upon a time, in a far away land, lived the Milk Maid and her exceedingly brilliant husband, the Milk Man.

These two characters cavorted in many a scheme, but perhaps none so great as to install a window in the sacred kitchen. You see, long before the Milk Man came to live in the Casa Del Leche, the industrious Milk Maid built (with her own glove-clothen hands) the soon to become Casa De Leche for all to see. However, the kitchen sink view was lacking in the fact that there was no window to view the glory beyond it's pane (on a side note, the garage is all there would be to view, but nonetheless the Milk Maid proclaimed that if she were to stand for wretched hours on end scrubbing and scraping and cleaning the dishes like some simple peasant girl well she absolutely MUST have a glimpse of something other than sheet rock).

The Milk Man obliged the fair Milk Maid, measuring and cutting the wall that was to become a portal to the world.

The Milk Maid was slightly worried, but she had complete faith and trust in her man. Well, pretty much.

The preliminary cuts were made, and the Milk Man handed his lovely bride her tool kit. She chose the hammer without further adieu.

Ravishing the wall blow by blow, like a scene from a Victorian Romance Novel gone amok, the Milk Maid tore away at the wall.

A gasp from the Milk Maid... Was it the evil sorcerer behind the wall? A dragon? The curse of a long dead king?

No... it was far worse!

It was 2 electrical cables, one telephone wire, and a 4 inch water pipe that gripped our sweaty adventurers that day.

The Milk Man turned to the Milk Maid, with love in his eyes and proclaimed, "Woman, I think our journey should end here".

The Milk Maid, with sorrow in her eyes asked, "Why can we make an S-bend in the pipe and reroute the wires? I mean, come on dude- let's rock and roll. Mama wants to see some sunshine every once and a while!".

The Milk Man touted, "Fair Maid of the Milk, have you lost your mind? Do you know the hours evolved in something of that magnitude?"

The Milk Maid looked almost doleful, then recanted, "Hey jackleg- all I want is a little sunshine in MY day, I don't know about YOU, but..."

"How about a nice tile back splash here? It's easy to patch sheet rock, and we can put a beautiful mosaic- perhaps of the beach- right about here..."

"Ooooh!" gleamed the Milk Maid. "And maybe even a little metal back splash over here, and some blue paint here, and a new floor here, and even a couple of new handles for the cabinets which need a good scrubbing by the by, and maybe even a couple..."

--The Milk Man says "Yes, my lady"!

Spread Thin Like That Last Dab Of Mayo In Your Jar

Repeat after me:

ONE MORE WEEK OF STUPID FREAKIN' SCHOOL!

And can we all hear the echo as I should those glorious words from the roof tops? Oh yeah, I think we can!

A&P, you can suck my nonexistent weener. I loathe you and your workbook from hell. How I flinch every single time the teacher mispronounces a word (and not even words like hydrophilic or plasmapheresis- a word like murmur or value or respiration... or wasn't). How I dread Dumb Kate hanging all over me like kudzu clings to pine trees. Ohhh the list could go on, you know.

On an up note, I got my assignment for clinicals- and it's the exact place I wanted to be at- the majorly major totally tubular fun-filled jolly hospital place (she said trying to keep the excitement flowing about all of this).

On the Big J front: A former boss and close pal of Big J's called the other night looking "desperately" for Jef. He continued by saying, "I must have you work for me. I must! I cannot fathom the depths I would sink to if you were to not lay all other business aside and RUN to me and work here! And you look dashing in that new polo your wife bought for you- stunning!"

(Editors note: The above referenced side of conversation may or may not have taken place verbatim as the author of this blog could only hear what Jef was saying, but in the author's mind that's how it all went down.)

So- Jef had the "interview" today which probably consisted of drinking beer and eating hot wings and looking at the breasts of young women who are forced to wear panty hose due to the shortness of their shorts. And- of course- Jef was offered the job, which he plans on taking as soon as the paper work stating salary and blahblahblah is in hand. Looks like we wont have to live in any cheap hotels in the foreseeable future.

So- It looks like things are getting back to *cough*hack*gag*hatethisword* NORMAL around these parts.

--The Milk Maid says normal is for sissies. Or maybe brudders. Perhaps an aunt or uncle.

Slacker Mom Diaries, Part One

This week has kind of gone by like a dream.

I awake an hour past my regular time to scrambled eggs, bacon, and a fresh cup of coffee on Monday. This is after Jef had chauffeured Faith to school and Ava tagging along for the ride after a homemade breakfast (made by my devilishly sweet hubby who is bound and determined to win the Mom Of The Year Award).

I was off from my morning classes Tuesday and Wednesday morning, I hit the chiropractor a few days- Monday and Thursday?-, I had a massage AND went out with a friend from school one night (I drank a lot and can't remember diddly other than riding in her convertible singing something about apple bottom jeans and the boots with the fur, the fur).

Jef will be home again this coming week, Faith is out of school on Friday (where the heck has the year gone?!), and life is swinging by at a fast clip- All is well.

I forgot to Friday Mish-Mash for the first time since Thanksgiving, but I don't think anyone missed me too much (*wink*).

Ava went to a bouncie-jumpie-blow up thingie party today. The little birthday girl, Bianca, is the daughter of one of my dad's pals. She was literally half the size of Ava, as were most of the other children. The only child that came close to Ava's size was a 3 year old. Ava was fearless, as usual. Ava climbed the 20 foot (almost vertical) slide all by herself and went like a wild banshee. Everyone was amazed that she wasn't quite 20 months old and was climbing and running and talking like such a big girl. I had so many parents come and chat with me- they've never seen a kid quite like Avie Gravie. I told them they broke the mold on that one- the world can only take so much. She's my little Fearless Freep!

Tune in (sometime) for more Slacker Mom Diaries...

--The Milk Maid says cheers and beers, no fears!

lax a dab on this outdoor furniture

Blog, What Blog?

Yeah, so sue me- I've been sparse. Let's pick up about 12 hours after I wrote my Lactation Cessation Post on Friday shall we?

Because my children have the ultimate goal in life to make me out to be a liar, Ava started on a nursing-freakin-frenzy Friday night. I was delighted until Saturday when she wouldn't get off my boob! My gawd child, it's been nearly a week- what is the deal? Did you suddenly remember you liked ninny-nectar? Were you feeling a little needy? What was that whole "nurse until I bring up a blood blister on your boober" thing about? Seriously kid, are you in or are you out?

Sunday we went to a local "German Themed Town" a little north of here. We ate wiener schnitzel and kraut and drank beer and then we went for fudge, chocolate, rock candy, a funnel cake, chocolate dipped strawberries, more fudge, divinity candy, and pecan logs. Then we went into a sugary coma and died. Right there next to the horse drawn carriage. Kablooey.

Yesterday I stuck my first REAL LIVE ARM attached to a REAL LIVE PERSON in phleb class! I poked my ditzy pal Kate on her right arm, hit the vein perfectly and then the dumbass moved.her.arm. And the needle pulled out. And she bled on the chair. Then I stuck her other arm, the teacher made her not move, and I did perfect. Cause I'm like that, ya know. In spurts at least.

Today Kate and our other pal Cindy went to Cindy's house and swam and sunbathed. Then they decided I should pierce their belly buttons. And I did, because I'm very accommodating and I happen to keep a rather large stash of pre-sterilized piercing needles on hand at all times (because god only knows what needs a hole poked in it, am I right or am I right?).

Anyways... Here I sit sunburned, relaxing from the day with my Big J who is home early thanks to a dentist appointment.

Tune in tomorrow for more shenanigans!

--The Milk Maid says poke me, poke me!

One Of Those Stories The Milk Maid Is Sorta Famous For...

After getting Ava to sleep and then working on my A&P study guide for hours, I developed a headache and a case of the yawns. As soon as Ava awoke from her nap I tossed my books down and loaded up the family truckster and headed to get a caffeinated beverage from the convenience store.

I chose a 16oz R.ed Bull and grabbed Ava a small juice-type beverage with one of those pull-to-slurp tops. She drank about half of her drink while we went to the bank and ran a couple errands. We arrived back home, and of course I went to check the photos that B had sent from her recent Relay for Life walk. That's about the time the following chain of events happened:

Ava came through the house and wanted a "bitebitebite" and was carrying a tin of mixed nuts. I told her to take one, so in toddler speak that translates to take one hand full. I know that she will eat the small hand full of nuts one at a time, so I let her sit beside me and nibble while I read a blog or two. She gets up and wanders into the den (just out of sight). I hear papers shuffling and realize that it might be Ava in my school books and work, so I jump up and look.

Ava had taken the remaining juice-type beverage and poured it on my workbook that I will need to turn in to the teacher tomorrow. I grab the book, dripping blue liquid all over the couch, and run for my bathroom. I calmly grab the blow dryer, turn it on, and start to dry the book.

I look left and Ava is trying to get into my shower. I say no, no Ava! about the time she sits in the wet shower floor. I say get up! and she does while simultaneously grabbing a MOLDY SPONGE and putting it in her mouth. I scream NO AVA NO NO!! and she drops the sponge along with a mouth full of half-chewed nuts onto the rug. I run to move the MOLDY SPONGE and pick up the nuts as Ava opens the toilet lid and tries to stick her head into the bowl.

So there I am holding a wet book, a blowing hair dryer, kicking a MOLDY SPONGE while temporarily forgetting about the half-chewed nuts that I of course manage to step in while keeping Ava swirlie-head free by closing the toilet lid with my elbow.

Ava exits the bathroom stage right and I finish drying the book (which wasn't too worse for wear, actually). As I leave the bathroom I discover Ava using both hands to rub her tongue. Revenge of the MOLDY SPONGE?? No, Ava had managed to spend the 23 seconds I remained in the bathroom after she'd ran off to scale her 5 foot tall cabinet and grab (and drink some of) a bottle of milk from, well- maybe this morning? Maybe last night?

The kicker of the story is, that when I took the milk away from Ava she screamed and cried and was mad at me.

Welcome Back To Monday

Jef and I decided to take a whirl-wind trip to Tybee Island this weekend. We did the usual things like eating at the Crab Shack, walking on the beach and letting Ava chase the birds, and laying around the hotel room and watching Deadliest Catch! We had a great time, especially all the seafood we ate (and ate and ate).

*

After leaving Tybee Island we crossed back into Savannah and explored along River Street for a little while. For those of you unfamiliar with Savannah, it's quite beautiful. The book that later became the movie Midnight In The Garden Of Good And Evil was based and filmed there. Paula Deen of the food network is from there. It's really quite a place! I can see me lounging in a hammock chair under a large tree covered with Spanish moss for certain. I wish we'd had longer to enjoy both Tybee and Savannah, but of course Jef had to work and Faith and I both have school, so that was that.

*

Not much going on today... I had A&P this morning and I will have Intro to Venipuncture this afternoon. It's a little overcast, which seems to fit my mood today. I'm feeling just a little down and out. We'll just blame it on the Monday Blues.

Jiggly-Ninny Monday

Jef decided to clean the house yesterday.

I would rather be a lint-licker than clean the house, hence its condition yesterday when Jef went all Jazz-Hands on me and started throwing crap away and mopping. He was bagging up clothes for the wash-n-fold (hey, he married a trophy wife, not a domestic goddess!) and he asked me if I had something to wear to class in the morning. Sure I did- I have a whole closet full of clothes, surely some of it will fit and out of what fits perhaps I can bring myself to be seen in public wearing it.

I found pants ok this morning, I found a sweater, I even found clean panties! Yet suddenly, I was engulfed in horrow: There wasn't a bra in sight.

I checked the dryer- nope.

I checked the washer- 3 very wet bras.

I looked under the bed, in the living room, in the bathroom, under the office table (hey- like you don't take them off as soon as you can, right?).

Finally, after thinking I was going to have to resort to duct tape or just let the girls bounce, I found a bra... In the kitchen.

Where is the weirdest place you have ever found missing undies?

--The Milk Maid says duct tape was a viable option.
Mizuno golf

Vodka- It's Not For Sissies

Friday night Jef got off work early- not as early as I'd hoped, but nonetheless early. He took me to a local restaurant where we had an entree of prime rib and a few drinks. Well, he had a couple drinks... I had 2 cosmos and 2 appletinis (chant with me now: "Because anything worth doing is worth overdoing!").

Somewhere around my 3rd drink I had to use the ladies room. I can't remember if B called me or if I texted her or maybe I called B... however it was, I had a nice little chat with her.

But this is the part where everything started getting a little fuzzy...

Did I actually pee while on the phone with you B? Or did I say, "Oh I just finished and I'm hiding in the restroom". And did I call you back later that night? And was that when I thought you girls were in the tub? To clarify- they were NOT in the tub when I talked to them. It was a vodka-induced figment of my imagination. (But I could just swear I head splashing!)

And why was my back so sore the next morning... Ooohh, I remember now. Drunk acrobatics. Note to self: You are waaay too old and out of shape for backbends!

--The Milk Maid tied one on! Then she untied it and promtly misplaced it!

A Little Heave, Ho!

I wish you could hear the excitement spewing out of me right now! You would be all, "Damn this chick is perky today- wow!"

Basically, The Ho got heaved... Lemme 'splain it: The girl who shared an office with my Big J (the Incedent where that girl ate part of Jef's food!) was relieved of her duties yesterday. Something about a test she couldn't pass. It wasn't a Medical Terminology test either people.

----> Insert Evil Laughter Here <-----


And speaking of Med Term, I got a very good grade on my last test... a 101. I am totally digging this class!


Let's see... lots to catch up on today: The cat came home. Oh- I forgot to tell you the cat ran away 2 days ago. He saw the open door and zooop!~ he was gone. However, being a cat, when the temp hit 25 degrees and rain started blowing he showed up on the front porch not too worse for wear.


I saw a billboard today from a local church cult (they lock the doors so no one can leave until the donation "goal" is reached every Sunday and the preacher lives in a 7 Million Dollar Lake Home, so I vote cult!) that said, "Make fasting a part of your life". I grimaced at the location of the sign- above a Krystal- and sped away to get a fast food breakfast at the Micky Dees.

Speaking of breakfast, I lost my coffee this morning and had to search the whole house for it. About 5 minutes later I found my cup o' Joe, right next to my flash cards. The card on top was dementia. And now the flash cards are mocking me!

--The Milk Maid said Happy 300th Post to me!

(Not all 300 are published, the big celebration will be at the "real" 300th posted post).

This-n-thats

Today has been busy. Productive? Sort of.

I studied a lot this morning- I already feel very confident about my terms this week! The teacher was worried I "wouldn't get it" since I haven't taken anatomy yet. Honestly, if I put this in front of you...

pelv/i = ___________

... what body part would you say that is (pelvis)? See my point? Oh, how about this one:

(suffix) "-blast" = ____________

You ladies should know that one... Embryonic cell (example: my/o/blast is an embryonic cell that develops into a muscle cell).

Anyways... Enough school talk. Let's talk about Big Bad Zeus!

Zeus and I have a Manners and More class tonite. Whee! Seriously, I have homework for the manners class. Sure- I had plenty of time to let Zeus taste test 10 different varieties of treats to see if he liked them. The dog ate the activated charcoal when I took him to the vet a while back (gleefully I might add). He eats his own POOP for crying out loud! I'm sure he loves Beefie Yum-Yums too.

Our doggie classmates (which we haven't met yet because the 1st class was an orientation) include a 9 week old German Shepard named Bruce Almighty, a Havanese (that's up to 8 lbs!) named Gloria, and a mixed Shepard who is 10 weeks old named Sue or Sally or ?-something. Zeus is 6 months old (approx). He weighed 53 lbs at the vet our last visit. This is going to be interesting to say the least. I hope he doesn't eat anyone.

In other news, Ava has a cold. Yep- she's a snot monster. She wants to nurse, but gets all pissed when she can't breathe thru her nose. How does she remedy this situation? She uses my boobage as a kleenex. Brilliant indeed!

Faith is joining the Junior Master Gardener Club at school. I'm a little wary of this, because the girl isn't very gentle with plants. Hopefully, she will learn (quickly!) and enjoy being in the garden as much as I am. Hopefully, she won't have to bring any plants home that need to live inside... Plants don't last very long here. Don't get me wrong- I love having plants and even small trees inside! But with a cat and a dog and a baby stuff seems to get scattered about. Plus, it's One More Thing that I will have to take care of before I can take care of myself. At least plants don't whine to go potty. Or wipe snot on your ninnies.

--The Milk Maid says what's one more matchstick on the inferno?

Catching Up

The party was wild gang... wild. Oh the things I saw!

I pushed a drunk to the floor who was trying to grope Jef's office mate (and after he talked to the office mate yesterday she didn't remember a bit of it). Another guy got into a brawl in the lobby and is now banned from all future parties. The drunk guy that I pushed to the floor later stood in a chair and yelled at the owner in a language only drunks can understand. Drunk guy became "tuna salad man" come Monday morning after he coated his room in barf. Oh yeah, and there was that girl who gave that guy a b.j. at the table. Then hiked her dress and sat in his lap. Yep- a regular free for all!

Yesterday I signed up and got my class schedule for Phlebotomy class! Faith was kind of distressed about me going back to school. She was moping around saying she was really going to miss me when I was gone to school. I told her, "Faith- you wont miss me because YOU will be at school too! I've only got one class for 50 minutes a day for the first quarter anyway!". She said that 4th grade should be more like college.

A week or so ago I got a sample product to test and give my bloggie opinion of! I love getting stuff in the mail to blog about- and unlike the shirt I "got", I really did receive this new and exciting toy. What is it you ask? The Stun Master 100-S stun gun!!

I hear you giggling! Who in their right mind would let me loose with a stun gun?! I promise, even though they asked me to test it, I have not used it on anyone. Test fire, yes- stun the crap out of someone, no. Although I almost got to use it on a stray dog the other day.

Ever wonder how a stun gun works? I did and I found the answer on the self defense products website:

"Stun guns use high voltage and low amperage to temporarily disable an attacker for several minutes. The stun gun does not rely on pain for results. The energy stored in the gun is dumped into the attacker’s muscles causing them to do a great deal of work rapidly. This rapid work cycle instantly depletes the attacker’s blood sugar by converting it to lactic acid. In short, he is unable to produce energy for his muscles, and his body is unable to function properly. The stun gun also interrupts the tiny neurological impulses that control and direct voluntary muscle movement. When the attacker’s neuromuscular system is overwhelmed and controlled by the stun gun he loses his balance. Should the attacker be touching you, the current will NOT pass to your body!"

My karate/self-defense class encourages everyone- women and men- to keep some form of personal defense item on your body at all times. Be it as simple as car keys or as forceful as a stun gun, a small amount of preparedness can save your life.

--The Milk Maid says too bad she didn't have that stun gun at the Shindig!

Like A Bull In A China Shop

That's my dad. We had to move some wood working equipment around so he can tear down a shed and rebuild it as a barn (don't ask). Other than almost taking a foot off and clipping a toe with a 200lb. drill press, running out of gas in the tractor, backing the trailer with the tail gate down, ripping the tail gate off, dropping the tail gate on his other foot, and smashing a finger with the tail gate once it was back on our move was rather uneventful.

Faith has officially been promoted in her karate class. There are three levels: Beginner, Advanced, and Masters. The Master's Course kids get awesome looking black ninja-esque uniforms (Gees?) to wear. Since she is only a few years away from receiving her black belt, her instructor Mr. Wil (who's last name is Smith, no lie!) felt she was ready to move up. She gets to learn weapons in this class. Luckily, we are starting small with a Bo Staff and not heading directly into any blades at this time. Faith has the coordination of a pickle- sharp would not be good!

Faith works very hard at being a good athlete. Unfortunately, she got her father's "athleticism" and The Cowboy once got kicked off a co-ed softball team that never won a game. He's that uncoordinated. Faith is notably more talented than The Cowboy, but she really has to put her mind and a little heart and soul into what she's trying to do. Effort isn't always her strong suit either.

I never met a sport I couldn't play and be competitive. I didn't like everything I played as a kid- namely basketball, but that was the coach's fault- but I was darn good at all of it. It's really hard for me to see Faith struggle with simple maneuvers and punches and kicks because, since the adult class mimics what the kids do, I'm doing the same stuff she is doing. That is a very hard thing for a parent to watch. I can do it, the kids around her can do it, but she's struggling through it all. I really feel like this class is going to boost her desire to keep striving forward.

Now before someone throws their bitch shoes on and comes after me for saying my kid isn't a great athlete read this first:

I have never and will never tell Faith how bad/uncoordinated/gangly/etc. she is at any sport. She thinks she does just fine, and honestly I do too! She's not going to be a star out there, but she works hard and enjoys herself and that is more important that diamonds and gold and fame and trophies to me. Her friends respect her, I respect her even more. After all, isn't this time in her life about fun?

And speaking of fun, wouldn't a little drug rehabilitation brighten any one's day?

Lastly, and this is long over due, I'd like to hand out the first annual Bitch Shoe Award to a few pals:

*Jennifer the Binky Bitch at Playgroups Are No Place For Children for her recent bad girl behavior at the library (which was totally in check if you ask me!)
*Kathy over at Baby Bound, my new found comrade and future partner in crime (tiny crimes, nothing too bad right *wink*)
*B from Baby Mamas Drama, my eternal friend in Bitch-dom!

If there weren't bitches like us wandering the earth smacking down the goodie-two-shoers everyone else might get splattered with gooey-goodness. Long live snark! And pass it on~

--The Milk Maid says snark comes off off your shoe easily with just a little wine!

Better Late Than Never Friday Mish Mash

I have a good reason for saving the ole blogger until this late hour, really I do. Actually, I have two good reasons:

#1: Most of my day was consumed shopping. Jef and his magical disappearing waist-line can no longer keep his old pants on and his ever-shrinking tummy makes his old XL shirts look like a hot air balloon. So off I went to K*hls- and home I came with deeply discounted merchandise that would make any heart sing at the low, low price I paid for it all. Imagine 2 pair of dress pants, 3 dress shirts, and a box of 10 assorted picture frames all for $48!!

The remainder of my afternoon was spend watching Ava steal from my spice cabinet and take each little seasoning treasure she found to the laundry room to hide it (that's my first choice as to where the garlic powder should be stored too, in case you were curious). She played this game for 2 hours before I got ready for reason number...

#2: I went to karate. Finally. I loved the ladies class- basically because I was the most experienced belt in there, but also because I got to break stuff and toss people around like rag-dolls. I have a lot of pent up energy. Perhaps I'm a tad competitive. Perhaps also I am aggressive, but just a smidge. Just don't ever spar with me unless you really know what you are doing, ok? I will be sore tomorrow, but today it was all very well worth my grand effort.

--The Milk Maid says jab-high punch-hook-upper cut! Kai-yah!!

Potty Humor

I decided to adventure into the realms of being a plumber yesterday and fix my own toilet.


You see, last week before vacation both of our accessible* downstairs toilets broke (good ole Murphy's Law!) . The water kept running and running and wouldn't shut off, and considering our local water reservoir has already made news due to its lack of water and Governor Perdue is asking for federal aid, it was just easier to turn the water off and worry with repairs when we got back home.


(*There is a half bath on the other end of the laundry room, but for all I know Jimmy Hoffa could be hiding back there).


When we got back into town Jef and I relaxed on Thursday night and enjoyed Friday with great leisure since it was his birthday. Saturday we had quite a few other projects to tackle, but we did manage to buy the "white thingie" that would fix both toilets (later I found out it really has a name, Flush Valve). Sunday, after dismantling the tank from the base of the toilet to replace the flush value, Jef discovered he didn't have a wrench large enough to twist off the bottom part of the old valve.


He was going to get a wrench from dad's house, but I guess he got distracted along the way because there the toilet sat- all sad looking and in many pieces- for 3 days.

Until I got bored. Until I decided I needed an adventure. Until I got darn tired of hauling my big butt upstairs to go pee pee.


I went into the bathroom, checked out the situation, and decided to dig through my stash of tools. I happen to own a strap wrench which adjusts out to almost any size. I usually open jars with it, but it looked perfect for toilet repair! And it was indeed JUST perfect... I popped the bottom of the flush valve off, popped the new one in, tightened it down and started to size up how to put the tank back on the base. Very simple- 3 screws inside the tank hold it to the base, then reconnect a water line from the wall to the tank, and pop the other little water line into the new flush valve. In a matter of minutes it was complete!


I slowly turned the water back on. No leaks! My ego was the size of an elephant. I love fixing stuff and Jef being able to come home and say, "Aww thanks babe. You didn't have to do that!".


I looked towards the tub, where all the tools and tank parts were, and I noticed a small black rubber flangie-gasket-thingie. I thought to myself, Must be like with cars- there is always a part let over. I let the tank fill up just a little, and gave a quick handle jiggle to check my handy work.


The best way to describe what happend next is to ask if you have ever seen Niagara Falls? From what I hear, there's a huge crashing sound as the water hits the rocks below, a thick mist saturates the air, and water just gushes and gushes and gushes!


I figured out very quickly what the small black rubber flangie-gasket-thingie's purpose was. Oops- that is what keeps the water from leaking from tank to base when you flush. Luckily, I had towels on the floor. And an empty trash can. And my sense of humor was intact, so that helped a lot too. Plus I needed to mop anyways, so hey it all worked out.


The toilet was fixed by the time Jef got home (even after Ava wandered off with a couple of very important pieces and tried to hide them from me)... I did tell him of my "adventure", and he took it all in stride and asked, "Will you be fixing the other potty tomorrow?"

--The Milk Maid refrained from showing plumber's crack during her adventure.

(Doesn't this look like a neat home based business?)

A is for Adventure

Gonna try something new here peeps- roll with me:

A is for Adventure.

I'm not very sure what the source of the quote that I have scribbled on a piece of paper actually is, but it has survived many a year propped on my desk (when I had an outside-of-the-home job) and now hangs somewhat askew on my fridge:

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up and totally warn out and loudly proclaiming, "Wow- What a ride!".

After looking at the quote I realized that my adventures have been kind of far between as of late. Sure, we did the cruise thing... but that was our adventure, not just for me. So- from here on out, every week I will be doing a new "themed" adventure kind of deal (sounds very well thought out, no?).

So... I guess my first adventure was deciding to be an adventurer? Hummm- Maybe I will fix a toilet instead! Wow- so many possibilities out there for adventuring. Haha!

--The Milk Maid says she's like Dora the Explorer, but taller.

Jef wont let me have any new makeup mirrors... all because I'm a plucker!