Does anyone see anything very, um... outstanding in this photo?
--The Milk Maid says hotdamn, yummy, and ohmegawd! in her best O face.For the past week, maybe a little longer than that, I've been feeling particularly... um... how do I say this and not scare the bee-gees out of everyone?
Cheerful? Sunny? Bright, verdent, full of life? Pizzazzy, complete with heel-kick?
I know- it's scary. Where's the snark, Milk Maid? Where's the venom? Has no one been there to piss in your cereal every morning? Awww- poor Milk Maid.
I'm not sure what the change is. I'm not sure what has even brought it all about. I am pretty sure that I don't want to over-analyze it because that would probably pull the plug on my Tub-O-Cheer and I'd go whooshing down the drain (and B would have to come fish me out with a pipe snake).
I was driving down the road this morning (ok, I admit- yesterday morning too. And Monday.) and I was happy. Downright annoyingly jazz-hands peppy. I was thinking about LOVE and BIG J and BABIES and SCHOOL and GOOSHY ROMANCE and VACATIONS and all the while I was singing songs...
You see where this is going? And it's not even Vitamin Z induced. No, I wasn't drinking either (although it was 5 o'clock somewhere).
You ask, "Maid of the Milk, what brought about this change? Did your bitch shoes get too tight?"
I'm still me, rest assured. Because pepper-specked in between those warm fuzzies of puppies and kitties and love and junk was this voice:
Waiting for the other shoe to drop... Aren't you Milk Maid?
Whew-- for a second there, I thought I'd been body-snatched and replaced with a Pod Person.
--The Milk Maid says whatever she wants, then feels all giddy about it.
bathroom faucets
Jef decided to clean the house yesterday.
I would rather be a lint-licker than clean the house, hence its condition yesterday when Jef went all Jazz-Hands on me and started throwing crap away and mopping. He was bagging up clothes for the wash-n-fold (hey, he married a trophy wife, not a domestic goddess!) and he asked me if I had something to wear to class in the morning. Sure I did- I have a whole closet full of clothes, surely some of it will fit and out of what fits perhaps I can bring myself to be seen in public wearing it.
I found pants ok this morning, I found a sweater, I even found clean panties! Yet suddenly, I was engulfed in horrow: There wasn't a bra in sight.
I checked the dryer- nope.
I checked the washer- 3 very wet bras.
I looked under the bed, in the living room, in the bathroom, under the office table (hey- like you don't take them off as soon as you can, right?).
Finally, after thinking I was going to have to resort to duct tape or just let the girls bounce, I found a bra... In the kitchen.
Where is the weirdest place you have ever found missing undies?
--The Milk Maid says duct tape was a viable option.
Mizuno golf
As I was sacking up Jef's weekly dry cleaning (and as Ava was unbagging it as fast as she possibly could) I wondered to myself...
If I put her in the bag with the dry cleaning will the nice couple who own the cleaners notice? I mean, she really needs a bath, so wouldn't this serve the purpose of tidying her up and freeing up my afternoon for a little study time- maybe even a pedicure?
I can see her now, neatly folded on the heavy duty hanger, spinning around the racks. Her face all shiney and clean, the stubborn odors removed, and perhaps an added sparkle in her eye.
Don't worry, I'll tell them to leave the logo-emblazned plastic coating off.
--The Milk Maid says wakka wakka.
Does any one else watch Hell's Kitchen? Does anyone find Gordon Ramsey attractive besides me? Sure, he needs a little forehead botox, but dont we all? A sexy chef with an accent and a temper-- hot y'all, hot!
In other news, the "Great Baby Talks of 2008**" has started up again.
**To my dearest underfertile/infertile friends... this is me asking you, especially if you are having a sensitive moment right now and want to eat my ovaries much like zombies would eat brains, to please refrain from reading the next paragraph and scroll down to where the RED WRITING is... that's where we can pick up, okie dokie? See you in a few...
Between Jef's friend Matt and his wife having a baby yesterday (the mostest cutest smallest sweetest babyiest boy named Brady- oh wee, oh weeweewee) and Jef sending me a picture of said cuteness AS I WAS READING the fabulous blog of RaJen which had preggie belly pics and baby clothes and blankies and... well, it was the kind of day where I truly felt like shaving all the hair off my body from the neck down, throwing on something that could be described as "sexy" and "see thru", and have Jef find me waiting at the door- hair tossled, slutty eye makeup perfectly applied, holding a Cosmo in one hand and a bottle of KY in the other.
That's how they make babies in the movies right?
For the rest of us who have to call and make an appointment and arrange for the Stork Express to carry us to our final destination, that's all pretty much a silly little fantasy. Anyway, the Stork's line was busy when I called... I took that as an omen to pass instead of play for a little while longer. Oh, that and the whole "I should probably mention this to Jef" thing. Which I totally would have... honest!
Ok- were back friends!
I have 2 Med Term tests next week- Monday and Wednesday. I'm actually feeling pretty confidant already! After those tests we move into male and female anatomical terms... Bring it, yo!
My Big J is getting off work early (we hope, we hope) to take me to dinner at the restaurant where we had our 1st date. I'm totally excited... I can't wait to have him all to myself for a few hours.
Zeus refrained from eating anyone at class last night. He is doing really great, and I will try to get a new picture up of him soon... he's growing up so fast!
I hope everyone has a nice weekend!
--The Milk Maid says you can't make a race horse out of a pig, but you can make a really fast pig!
engraved plaques
I wish you could hear the excitement spewing out of me right now! You would be all, "Damn this chick is perky today- wow!"
Basically, The Ho got heaved... Lemme 'splain it: The girl who shared an office with my Big J (the Incedent where that girl ate part of Jef's food!) was relieved of her duties yesterday. Something about a test she couldn't pass. It wasn't a Medical Terminology test either people.
----> Insert Evil Laughter Here <-----
And speaking of Med Term, I got a very good grade on my last test... a 101. I am totally digging this class!
Let's see... lots to catch up on today: The cat came home. Oh- I forgot to tell you the cat ran away 2 days ago. He saw the open door and zooop!~ he was gone. However, being a cat, when the temp hit 25 degrees and rain started blowing he showed up on the front porch not too worse for wear.
I saw a billboard today from a local church
Speaking of breakfast, I lost my coffee this morning and had to search the whole house for it. About 5 minutes later I found my cup o' Joe, right next to my flash cards. The card on top was dementia. And now the flash cards are mocking me!
--The Milk Maid said Happy 300th Post to me!
(Not all 300 are published, the big celebration will be at the "real" 300th posted post).
Ava learned how to climb out of her crib this weekend... no photo of this yet, and thanks to her new crib tent there most likely wont be any photos!
However, here is a great shot of Ava learning to pole dance on the end table...
I'm running 2 a day through here! I love it when my mind is running on a positive track and I am creating things to write about faster than I am actually able to write them.
Lets start here:
Congrats to my pal Sassy T, aka Tracey at Baby Steps. It's been a long and winding road for her, but she finally got a NICE BIG FAT + and a great big beta # for her long awaited pregnancy! Cheers (sparkling wine of course!) to you dearie!
That leads us here:
Fifteen months ago today Ava was born. With my new header, I have taken the ticker down that tracks her bf-ing and age, but I will modify that soon so days like today wont sneak up on me. The baby, now toddler, e-mail updates I get says that 15 months is a huge milestone. That toddlers will begin testing their limits! Begin? Hahaha. Yeah, begin. Something like that! Ava is Miss Independent from way back, yo! Yeees, we are still bf-ing. Although with her 7 teeth it is a wee bit like nursing a cactus.
To Here:
Today would have been my grandmother's 93rd birthday. I called my g-ma by the name of "Grandmother". She was a marvelous lady! She's been gone over 9 years now, but I think of her almost daily. Grandmother was my mom's mom- and if my mom was a nice lady that made popcorn balls and milked cows, well then she'd be my grandmother. Grandmother babysat 5 kids on a full time basis- me, my 2 older boy cousins, and my 2 younger girl cousins. We were all 3 years apart in age (i.e. when Ashley was 1, Amanda was 4, I was 7, Brandon was 10, and Scott was 13). She had her hands full, but a spatula to the hiney was sufficient to keep us in line. I miss you Grandmother!
Now this:
My Grandmother always enjoyed hearing the stories I would tell. I was a verbal and journal blogger long before the electronic fad hit town. I have always been encouraged to write and use my imagination. I was thinking earlier today, with all of the peeps out there who are "famous"- at least in the bloggie sense- why am I not in those ranks? I could be. I have often thought about using my powers for good (teeheehee) and starting my own website, conjuring up sponsors and paid advertisers, etc. Truthfully, I don't know what is stopping me. Oh wait, yeah I do. It's the whole power to believe in myself. However, I think making that leap will take me higher than I can imagine.
I believe in me (a little bit!):
School starts January 7th. I will be taking Medical Terminology as my first course. I am excited- I hope I am still excited when it comes time to actually GO to class.
Treading back from the deep end of the thought pool:
There is a bottle of "Trim Adhesive" in my garage. Did anyone else go to a dirty place with that one or is it just me?
Shallow end of the gene pool:
My step-daughter is back from Argentina. Sure, that isn't a nice title and I should strive at being nice to her, no matter how immature she is. Try... try... try some more.
Speaking of genes:
Did you know you are more likely (by 35%) to become an alcoholic if you love sweets? Something about the alcohol sugars and all that jazz. Takes all the fun out of eggnog doesn't it?
Speaking of eggnog:
I have a can of it in the back of my car!
Random tidbits:
There are cheese, potato chip, salsa, hot sauce, wine, cigar, and popcorn clubs of the month!
Lastly:
--The Milk Maid says if wishes were horses we all would ride!
xbox 360
T-Minus one day and counting to Shindig Party Time! My nails are done, my hair appointment is tomorrow, the dog has a reservation at the kennel, and Ava has a reservation at the Casa de Nina and Pops (Faith called mom "Neenah" instead of Nanna when she was a baby- Ava actually calls her Nahhnahh. I just call her... well, you can guess what I call her after paragraph 2).
I emailed my Game Show story around to my family (thanks copy and paste) with a slight edit for content (I have a family of prudes, ironic I know). After sending a copy to my mother, I call her later that night and ask what she thought of it. Her comment was something like, "You didn't write that- where did you copy it from?". And people wonder WHY I only share my innermost thoughts and personal writings with Internet Muppets.
Speaking of Muppets, can I be Gonzo? He's my fave color AND he has a huge schnoz... I love that guy! Does anyone remember the old men who sat in the balcony and heckled everyone? Yeah, I can see me and B as those guys.
Something is different here you say? Well, I guess it is! A new header for a new day... Hopefully a new attitude and new start on life. Ok, so that's probably going a little overboard so we will start with baby steps.
--The Milk Maids gonna get all frufru and head out on the town!
This morning as I made my usual bloggie-rounds, I discovered I had a wonderful surprise waiting for me at Play Groups Are No Place For Children ...
...that hangs at the back of my closet started calling my name this weekend. It is time to get serious about losing some weight.
I suppose my dieting decision has a little bit to do with the Company Shin-Dig memo Jef brought home. A fancy-schmancy dinner at a swanky hotel with "Professional Portraits Offered" makes me cringe at the thought of seeing myself in 2-D. Then again, perhaps it was the way Jef looked longingly at Sandra Lee's ginormous boobs svelte figure as he watched Fo*d Network this weekend. Or was it my sweet man looking at then later describing in grand detail the "fine ass" of a waitress at H00ters that pushed me over the edge? It could have been Kim Kar-whatever-ian in Playb*y I thumbed past (as I was reading the articles!) that put the final nail in my plus-sized coffin.
Let's just say whatever it was, I woke up this morning with the determination I needed to see my goal through. I had one last all-out-fast-food-heart-attack-in-a-sack-breakfast for a farewell, and now I'm walking the line to peeling off a few pounds.
Oatmeal, whole grain cereal, salads, and veggies are my new friends. Water is my elixir of power. Exercise will set me free!
I have a little over a month to shed enough weight and inches and be able to fit into The Dress.
I have decided not to torture myself with weighing on a scale. Numbers make me crazy, and all that matters is that The Dress fits and I feel good in it. I will try on The Dress once a week- most likely on Fridays- and give a progress report as to how it fits. I might even take photos of my progress.
--The Milk Maid says blinders for men are a great investment!
In preparation for the cruise, I decided that instead of my usual shave and a haircut (two bits!) I would have my bikini line waxed. I've done this a few times before (once in combination with both legs... before a funeral- just think residual wax and not being able to get off the church pew) so it wasn't too big a deal.
I dropped Ava off with my fantastic aunt Sue, and drove over to the salon. The frazzled yet attractive waxer-woman greeted me, finished with a client (hair cut), and then escorted me back to the tiny waxing room. She told me to take my shorts off and hop on the table. I was a little "eeehh!" at first--No drape?! I thought to myself in a prudish moment. Quickly getting over that- my gawd the woman was about to drizzle hot wax near my cookie- I disrobed and hopped on the table.
And am I the only one who HATES the crunchy paper noise on a table? Anyone? Anyone?
Very quickly, waxer-woman came back in, grabbed a roll on wax applicator, and started yanking out hair left and right. Pretty painless, I was actually kind of distracted trying to see what kind of tattoo she had on her boob when-- RIP(stop)YANK happened. She went to rip the paper and wax off, lost her grip halfway, then yanked again AFTER the wax had somewhat reapplied itself to my tender bits.
Must remain stoic. Must remain stoic. Must remain stoic.
Me: (Monotone with slight hint of sarcasm): "Hey that kinda hurt."
Her: Soo sorry, so so so sorry.
Me: It's cool [my crotch is on fire you hussy!].
--The Milk Maid says if you were wondering about the title of my blog... according to Dave Barry, Coca Cola loosely translates to "Bite The Wax Tadpole" in Chinese.
The cruise ship people called day before yesterday... I saw the caller ID and immediately thought, "Oh hell!". Let's face it, my luck isn't so hot as of late... I could only imagine what they were going to spring on me to further screw up my day.
The lady started talking and I was halfway listening through her "no obligation" pitch. Until she said free room upgrade. Literally, my ears pricked up. To continue the puppy analogy, I started salivating when I finally heard just what this lady was telling me. You see, when we booked our cruise through the Happy Cruise Company (not revealing their name here as of yet so no one will come to port and kidnap me for a sizable ransom) they said no upgrades were available at that time. We've cruised a lot- and we know that there are always upgrades if you wait long enough. Well, we were going to call at the end of this week... but I'm glad we waited.
Because... (I know, stay on track!)...
We got a complementary upgrade from our lowly cabin with a small porthole view to an EFFIN (may I borrow that RaJen?) STATEROOM. This room is double the square footage, has a whirlpool tub, bigger beds, Faith wont have to sleep on a roll out cot either! The only "catch" so to speak is that the balcony view is "partially obscured" by a life boat. Like I care!! This room retails per person for almost what we paid for the entire family to cruise. I don't care if I have to peek around a boat (and if the ship sinks then I can save myself first!).
Probably the best part about all of this is (ok, 2 best parts)-
Reason #1: There are 9 other cabins on this floor with us. Period. Ten total. Not hundreds. Just ten. These are the cabins Jef and I would sneak into while the maids were cleaning in previous cruises just so we could say "Heeey we saw the suite!".
Reason #2: I printed out our new luggage tags and we are VIPs. It says it right on my tag. I have never been a VIP. I've not even been a MIP (moderately important person) before!! I looked on the Happy Cruise Company's website to see just what perks a VIP such as myself (ok the other family members too) would be entitled to. We get to go thru the special VIP embarkation line when boarding for starters. No Average Joe lines for me thanks! Plus, we're first to disembark ship too! Whew- cause when I'm done with that cruise believe me, my fanny is heading for home and no one better stand in my way!
I hope this good run of luck holds, because I'm hitting the roulette wheel in the casino and playing my lucky numbers as soon as we get into international waters! It's slightly more than a week away~
--The Milk Maid says lucky luck luck to ALL, and to all a good night!
And try these nice advertising pens on for size if thou are so inclined!
If you are given a complement on a skill you have mastered you normally just say "thank you", or perhaps "I have put a lot of practice into that" or even "I took a course and got a certificate for this (and was voted most popular in my class)".
However, only one response is appropriate when the comment is from your husband and the skill is something you do in the privacy of your bedroom.
Jef says "If what you do was Kung Fu, you'd be the Zen Master (er- Mistress?). Or Pai Mei from the Kill Bill II movie". While I have this magic spell cast over my dear sweets, I'm definitely taking advantage of all the amore in the air. It's amazing- I haven't even had to drag out the "Sure Fire Way To Get Laid Gown" all weekend. I haven't had to tie him down either. Not yet anyway!
We've had a lot of adventure this weekend, and amazingly we did get dressed long enough for him to take me to dinner Friday night, do some rambling Saturday, and a little shopping for Ava (and me) for the cruise today. We also watched the Solitary 2.0 Marathon last night. I'm not a huge reality TV fan, or a huge TV fan in general, but my tail was glued to the TV for hours yesterday watching that show. Locked in a tiny room and having to complete crazy, insane tasks and eat weird stuff all while being sleep deprived... sign me up, I'm your huckleberry for that one!
We (meaning Jef) are watching motorcycle racing now. Men wearing leather going around in circles... You usually have to go to Buckhead or Little Five Points for that kind of action.
Last but not least, I'm trying to track my ovulation again. Only, I don't seem to be ovulating. I don't know what is throwing my cycle off (it's been off for the past 3 months). I should be ovulating now, but instead I am having almost period-like cramps and the LH surge is nonexistent. Is my breastfeeding still throwing me off? Stress? Are the 4 different kinds of OPKs I'm using all in cahoots together and just messing with me? Who knows....
--The Milk Maid says heads up!
Let's face it, parties don't plan themselves people.
I'm trying to think of a nice, pleasant, low-stress way to have a great big FUN first birthday party for Ava... and you are going to help me (right?!).
There is no way in hell- to put it ever so kindly- that I will allow my whole "fam-damily" inside my house for a party (ever again). I'm leaning towards taking it all outside. We have a huge front yard and a pool (well, the pool is really at mom's but I can see it from here) so I'm thinking perhaps a Hawaiian/Tropical Themed Pool Party?
Pros:
Cons:
Any other cute outside themed party ideas? Anyone... Anyone?!
Party favor ideas:
Wow, that's a pretty good start. Any other ideas that you can think of for a crowd of 30+ ranging in age from 1 to 78 would be totally appreciated (especially if the idea helps pay back all those well meaning relatives who bought toys that clack, whistle, clink, and whooowhooo at ungodly hours of the night all by themselves!).
--The Milk Maid says, "You've got to be smarter than what you're messing with!".
Bras are pretty,
Bras are nice,
They hold your boobs
Like a vice.
Lacey, frilly,
Expensive too.
Leave the house without one
And people yell at you.
Poke your tatas in
From AA to GGG.
You know those open tip bras
Make your lover yell WEEEE!
From dawn til dusk,
For work or for play,
Wear them you must
Until the end of the day!
Because everyone out there in blog-land needs a good laugh today, I present to you the new slide for "well behaved children":
Whiny Child: But I don't want to do my homework mom!
Smart Mother: Fine- Go outside and ride your new slide.
This would also make a nice treat for ex-husbands, don't you think? Be sure to have them ride in the buff.
And a big thanks to our 2nd sponsor of the day: muscle milk.
--The Milk Maid says that's grate!
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood children! Yes- I am in a perky mood. Could that have something to do with the amorous adventures of a certain Milk Maid and her dearest? Certain adventures times TWO please. Nothing puts you to sleep for the night like love-making, and there's nothing like a good predawn romp to make the blood flow!
And whilst on the topic of sex, Jef finally figured out how to make his penis 8 inches. It was simple really. He just folded it in half!
The sound of silence fills the air here. Faith and Ava are fast asleep in their beds. The cat is curled up asleep at my feet. The coffee maker has stopped it's perking. Just the sound of my fingernails clacking away at the keyboard. I am taking a minute to soak it all in.
For all the new moms who don't have mobile children (yet) and all the mom's-in-waiting who are seeking a baby-bean all their own, let me tell you what having a 10 month old is like:
Having a 10 month old is like having a velociraptor as a pet. Remember those pesky little miniature t-rex types from Jurrassic Park? The ones who would watch the humans and learn to replicate their every move. Like learning to open doors, dismantle remotes, move furniture, manipulate siblings, and climb fireplaces. Ok, so the Jurassic Park dinos only opened doors and tried to eat people, but you get my drift here.
Have I told you the story of how Ava didn't want to sleep one night a month or so ago... and she decided to rip the pretty little Classic Winnie The Pooh border off her wall behind the crib? Yep. Tore it in half. Her crib now sits about 3 feet off the wall.
On the upside of being such a smart little dare-devil, I have managed to teach Ava a few tricks. My favorite thing she does is she lays her head over to the side when you say, "Who's sweet?" and gives you the sweetest most innocent smile ever! And then she will continue upon her path of destruction. I don't think it a coincidence at all that there was a hurricane named Helene when I was pregnant with Miss Ava Helene.
Who's so sweet to help mommy blog!
She was "brushing" the cat with the hairbrush- he left before I could get that photo.
Ava is talking to the cat in this picture.
She's giving him heck over something- I think she called him a dodo bird!
--The Milk Maid is a proud member of the mommy-bloggers guild.
