About As Deep As I Get

I'm feeling better today. I'm feeling normal at least. I could go into a long, wild dissection of "normal" at this point, but I just don't have it in me today.

What I do have in me today is a list of events I've compiled that make me do what I did Saturday (that whole shoe-dropping melt-down thing).

Let's start on Friday night: I was tired, I didn't want to go anywhere after my trip to see Konetta (which wasn't a bad session at all). I needed a shower, I felt ookie, and I was- as previously mentioned- tired. Jef and I had decided earlier to go eat somewhere. I had changed my mind on that idea by this point, plus Ava was bathed and in jammies. Jef didn't get my memo on this. So- we loaded up the family truckster and went to dinner. The food turned out good, the company was great and I ended up enjoying myself. We came home and went to bed. I was exhausted at this point.

Saturday morning: Ava slept until 8:30 which is great! I could have used a little more shut eye, but all was well when I got up. Mostly. I had that nagging almost achy feeling- like I was getting a cold, but with no cold-like symptoms.

I'd like to insert here the word aura. In med-term speak it basically means a premonitory feeling of awareness (usually of a seizure). People who have a history of seizures can usually learn to spot the signs and tell someone right before the seizure happens. Looking back, what I was feeling when I woke up Saturday was an aura of sorts. A premonition of mood change if you will.

I've been paying attention to what throws me into severe shifts of mood, and I have noticed a distinct pattern. When I feel that tired, cranky, crispy, achy nagging feeling then I really need to shied myself from outside sources (or inside sources) that can be my trigger.

What was the trigger on Saturday? The trigger that started that downhill run that landed me in my bathroom floor in tears, unable to think clearly (except for one very clear voice that said You have to get out of this house NOW!).

If I tell you what my trigger was you will either (a) laugh, or (b) suggest I seek professional therapy- lots of it and in a timely manner.

I have no trouble with therapy. I probably need to be on some kind of drug like vitamin Z or L. I have been in the past, and my only problems with the meds are how complacent I feel. I do Ho-Hum worse than I do Looney. Plus there is that whole distrust of docs that I have... But that is another phobia for another day.

Anyways, as soon as I left the house (which took 3 return trips to get things I'd forgotten- like my wallet, my cell phone, and laundry I was going to take to the cleaners) I was fine. It was me and Ava on the road to adventure, albeit mundane adventure. We ran errands, we did chores, we even hit the flea market. And when the day's running was through and we headed back to the humble abode I was completely fine. Still tired, but 98% improved from the morning.

So- hormonal? Stress-induced? Did Konetta free up toxins in my body during the massage and reflexology session that were too much to take all at once? Past demons knocking on my door for a house call? All of that? Something different?

Ready your Dr. Google fingers and self-diagnose at will.

--The Milk Maid says she's deep like a pond today.
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