My boobs were my tools of the trade for almost 20 months.

Once my youngest daughter weaned herself from the Magical Boob Juice, the fun really began!

(And by fun we all know I mean chaos!)

Pull up a chair, sit a while, read a few pages.

Keep and open mind and a joyful heart and you too can get pumped into the world of The Milk Maid.


Friday Extra Addition- The Deep Stuff

I just returned from about 3 hours of pure HELL! at my parent's house.

Let me give a brief synopsis of my visit:

I get yelled at for not receiving a rebate check in the mail and for paying my bills online.

I have no control over Large Phone Company, father. And I will pay my bills any damn way I choose, thank you. I pay my bills, all of them on time, so take a flying leap. Do not make me write you another letter, daddy dear.

My mother asked me, for the remaining 2 and a half hours, "What is wrooong with yoooou?". Apparently, she does not remember what it is like to have ovaries and hormones and PMS or a period in her post-menopausal little world! So, after 150 minutes of the Same!Freakin!Question! every 5 minutes I blew my top, told her everything in the world was wrong and that I was running away and never coming back. Very 7th grade, I know, but very effective on my mother.

Ya know, the moment I walk into their house I feel the need to cram junk food down my gullet and my whole mood changes to something similar to what Ed Gein must have felt at home. So when I leave, just short of making people into human suits, and I get that first breath of fresh air walking across the yard, I wonder what the hell is so wrong inside that house?

Is it just 40+ years of The Parental Units strife and anger all built up and permeating the home? Is it me? Am I electro-sensitive and there some sort of faulty wiring that I need an EMF detector to find and a great electrician to fix? Are there hidden lay-lines under the house? Indian burial grounds? Haints, spooks, spirits? America's version of Stone Hinge (I've had a lot of time to think, ok)!

And the kicker is (:::laughter, bordering on hysterical snorting:::) I built a HOUSE next to these crazies! On purpose!

I really have been thinking about therapy a lot as of late. I really don't think I am the only person who needs it (ahem, Parental Units), but I am certainly the only one who would benefit from it. I also think that a therapist would have a !FieLd DaY! with me. I'm like Shrek- an onion with lots and lots of layers.

For the fun of it all: skin care products!

--The Milk Maid says normal-schmormal

Mish to the Mash, Yo!

It's Friday! It's almost like one-seventh of my life is a Friday....

Ready for some big news?

No I'm not pregnant. Not with one, with two, with triplets or quints or a boy band. I've not even had sex lately. But that's a complaint for another day.

Ok- my big news is (drum roll): I enrolled at a local college for my Phlebotomy Technician Certification! Whoo! I am going to learn how to poke holes and take blood from peeps. I'm waiting on my class schedule (I begin Winter Quarter), but I think A&P will be the 1st class. I wonder who I can get to study with me. Someone with flash cards. Someone who knows a lot about anatomy and physiology. Someone fully clothed. That last one narrowed it down a bit.

RPNC weigh-in: I'm not going near that scale after all the junk I've eaten this week. I plead PMS.

Not a whole lot going on today... Faith gets out of school early for parent conference day. I am not parent-conferencing in person. I emailed the teacher and she seemed pleased with Faith's progress, so I'm down with that.

Ava has a bit of the sniffles today. Considering she's never really been sick (other than a day or two of the sniffles twice before) I guess I can't complain. But I can blame myself- and I have been. I keep running the if I'd not had a kidney stone and been able to bf her for that week then she wouldn't be sick right now scenario thru my head. I know better, but I've been taking every chance to beat myself up lately that I can. Darn that chicken, huh B?!

On a brighter note, Ava has been calling for the cat and dog. She calls the cat "dog" a lot, but I tell her Chip is a cat and then she'll say "catcatcatcat".

--The Milk Maid says labor day just sounds like work.



Ava is walking.

She's been taking steps for about a week or so, technically. I just kept thinking to myself, "If I don't admit she's walking, then she isn't really walking- right?!".

Today she stood up on her own and took 6 steps across the den before she decided to sit back down and play.

That makes it official I guess. :-)

--The Milk Maid says slow down, I'm old!


Randomness With Snark Sprinkles

Ever have one of those days where you try to read a brilliantly written article on the pros of prose and all your brain could take in was the image of a big, flashy symbol akin to a cheap neon sign flashing wordswordswords?

I have discovered that I turn Ava upside down and smell her butt an average of 5 times a day. The butt-sniffing is complete with twisted face and sing-song voice going, "Did you poopoo?!". I have also come to the realization that this is completely normal for a mother to do to her offspring. This type of action is only weird when the sniffee becomes 9 and the sniffed-bits become armpits. At least with the baby you are pleasantly surprised by a fart around half the time. With the big kid, the pits always smell like Limburger cheese.

A 9 year olds motivation to do homework is directly proportionate to the size of the threat to take away her Pokemon game. The proportion of willingness will increase by twofold if calling "the other parent/step-parent" is mentioned.

Gratuitous Link: Paris Las Vegas

Ava and I have a new bathroom game. It involves Ava taking all my tampons out of the box and then handing them to me as I say thank you. She takes them out of the box one by one, inspects it, then hands it to me. She will stay seated in her bumbo-type chair while I do my business because of this game.

The tampon game is much better than the last bathroom game she liked to play which I call "Hey you toilet paper thief, come back here! Now! I mean it!".


She's Prepared For Anything

When: Tuesday, 6:43am, before waking Faith for school.

Location: Faith's bedroom, queen size bed.

Subject: (1) nine year old, female, wearing white and pink boxer shorts and long sleeve velour Hello Kitty pajama top with lace fringe around neck and sleeves. Subject is on stomach, turned almost 180 degrees away from pillows at top of bed.

Additional items in bed: 2 pillows (Spongebob pillow, regular pillow); 7 blankets (Winnie The Pooh, Scooby Doo, Random Baby Blanket, Homemade Blanket, Sleeping Bag, sheet from comforter set) Note: subject is not under any of these blankets; Giant Stuffed Dog approximately 4 feet tall; Gameboy and Pokemon games (tucked under pillows); Plastic Nun chucks; Plastic Chinese Throwing Star; Plastic "Hatori Hanzo" Sword; Pokemon Defense Strategies Book.

Subject's Explanation of Items:
"You just never know what you might need when you are asleep!"


Anniversary Gift... Check!

We've had that itch to vacation for a while. Since Jef's jobless adventure way back in November it's been once big game of catchup for a while. We finally got the house refinanced, most everything is back in order, and we're still not quite ready to take a stab at TTC again... so our anniversary seemed a perfect time to book a trip!

We're going to cruise to Cozumel and Costa Maya (two of our most favorite places to go!) in mid-October!! We booked it today, and I must say I am already counting down the days. Faith is out of school for a few of the days we're gone (Fall Holidays... yeah, I was like whaaat too), and I have no problem yanking her out for another day or so for the rest of the trip- my gosh, it's only an education (she can get that anywhere). How often do you get vacation?! The real kicker for her: she will have no clue where we are going OR even that we are taking a cruise until she sees the ship. Why the surprise? Oh come on, most of the fun is in the surprise! Plus, she won't be asking me for the next month and a half, "WHEN are we going?".

I'm not telling my parents either. Not because they too will enjoy the surprise, but because they are nosey and it's none of their business. It's a control thing I guess! :::Evil Laughter:::

Now that our anniversary (and Jef's birthday) are taken care of all I have to worry about between now and the end of the year will be Christmas gift ideas. Maybe I have that covered too!

--The Milk Maid is a sly, sly fox. Meow! I mean woof! What does a fox say?


1st Birthday Party Ideas?

Let's face it, parties don't plan themselves people.

I'm trying to think of a nice, pleasant, low-stress way to have a great big FUN first birthday party for Ava... and you are going to help me (right?!).

There is no way in hell- to put it ever so kindly- that I will allow my whole "fam-damily" inside my house for a party (ever again). I'm leaning towards taking it all outside. We have a huge front yard and a pool (well, the pool is really at mom's but I can see it from here) so I'm thinking perhaps a Hawaiian/Tropical Themed Pool Party?


  • Pool = cool!
  • Mom and Dad have 2 grills
  • Dad loves to burn- I mean cook- food
  • Tiki Torches are cheep (and what's a kid's party without fire?)
  • Garden hose clean up


  • No spiking the kiddie punch for early nap time allowed
  • I would have to be blitzed to put on a bathing suit in front of people
  • The children in my family make parties so much LESS fun
  • The parents are much worse than their children

Any other cute outside themed party ideas? Anyone... Anyone?!

Party favor ideas:

  • Sand pail and shovels
  • Bucket of sand
  • Pet gold fish for all the kids!
  • Custom t-shirts or personalized cups
  • Baking soda and vinegar volcano

Wow, that's a pretty good start. Any other ideas that you can think of for a crowd of 30+ ranging in age from 1 to 78 would be totally appreciated (especially if the idea helps pay back all those well meaning relatives who bought toys that clack, whistle, clink, and whooowhooo at ungodly hours of the night all by themselves!).

--The Milk Maid says, "You've got to be smarter than what you're messing with!".


One Side Of The Same Old Conversation...

The Daily Check-In With Jef, from my side of the conversation:

"No, not really a lot happening on the web today... No, no new posts (except mine)... Well, Ra had a really good one about her sister and "E!"... No, I Haven't heard from B- she's in New Mexico with her mom... No, B is with K... The "One In The Hat"... No, the "Cute Lesbians" are Meg and Kris... B and K are from Texas... They are cute too, but it's not who you are thinking about... Yes, Meg is Marcy... I know you're confused... Yes, Ra & Jen are from Texas, too. And Deena... No, Deena is married to Vince. She's the one with the big creepy flower, remember?... No, Vince is not Nick...that's Michelle (with an E) you're thinking of. It's her and Nick's anniversary!... Yeah that's awesome- 5 years like us! Ha!... No the other Michell (with no E) is the nurse. She just got fresh spoogie. Yeah- I think it will too, but we'll sweat it out together for two weeks, huh?!... Kelly and Matt are better... Yeah, I think it's their anniversary too!... No we haven't heard from Supermom all week... I'm sure she is very busy with 4 kids, plus a cookbook to type, plus a husband to look after!... Hey Tracey is house and dog sitting in Manteca. I don't have to remind you who she is, do I?... Yes it is funny!


RPNC Weigh-in and Mish-Mash

It's Rollie Pollie Ninja Chub Weigh-in day (already?!).

I'm at 188.5 lbs today. That's 2.5 less than my start weight!!

I'm amazed because I've been absolutely awful at eating bad junk this week and I've not exercised or really even thought about dieting this week. I did think about getting an elliptical machine, but thinking is about as far as that went. My dad volunteered to bring the Health Rider over from his house "as soon as the weather cooled down". So, perhaps by next year we can arrange that!

I had a lot of motivation yesterday to lose some weight though-- I tried on an old pair of pants that I used to have to safety-pin up that now I have to do the butt-wiggle into.

This diet patch stuff is sounding more and more alluring!

I'm not sure what our weekend plans are other than more cleaning at Jef's bro's house. This should be the last load (I hope I hope). We were going to make a weekend break for it to somewhere (anywhere!), but I'll have to see how that goes to. I doubt we'll go anywhere, but perhaps that's the pessimist in me. I've been having kind of an "Eeyore" day today for no real reason. Oh, except PMS.

Well, Ava is awake AGAIN! No sleeping for that beauty today- she must have plans I don't know about.

--The Milk Maid is sewn from a heavy, durable fabric.

The Bra Poem

Bras are pretty,
Bras are nice,
They hold your boobs
Like a vice.

Lacey, frilly,
Expensive too.
Leave the house without one
And people yell at you.

Poke your tatas in
From AA to GGG.
You know those open tip bras
Make your lover yell WEEEE!

From dawn til dusk,
For work or for play,
Wear them you must
Until the end of the day!


Cool New Slide

Because everyone out there in blog-land needs a good laugh today, I present to you the new slide for "well behaved children":

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Whiny Child: But I don't want to do my homework mom!
Smart Mother: Fine- Go outside and ride your new slide.

This would also make a nice treat for ex-husbands, don't you think? Be sure to have them ride in the buff.

And a big thanks to our 2nd sponsor of the day: muscle milk.

--The Milk Maid says that's grate!

What day is this?

I can't decide if today feels more like a Monday or a Thursday. Of course it is neither- it is Wednesday. I checked the calendar. And online. And my phone. Just to be sure of course. It doesn't feel like Wednesday at all, but I'm going to roll with it.

It was another 30 minute ride to drop Faith off at school this morning. Normally, I can do the round trip in less than 10-15 minutes, but since there isn't a road they aren't working on around here (plus no turning lane in front of the school- duh!) I have to really plan my morning out to get Faith to school in time. At one point it took 8 minutes to go less than 1/10 of a mile. That's 8 minutes of PRE-COFFEE time in a car with a disgruntled 11 month old and a "so-not-in-the-mood" 9 year old... and their ever-patient mother, of course. Minimal road-rage ensued: Only once did I flash my lights at the dope in front of me for not moving her car on my exact cue. Doesn't she know better?

Link of the day: Blinds

Now that traffic has settled down a little bit I guess Ava and I will go forage for breakfast somewhere.

--The Milk Maid needs that little book of virtues... NOW!


No Deal

I'm thinking the job-ish thing is going to be a major pain, so I say "no deal". Funny how details change so quickly when it comes to brass tacks.

Oh well, at least I won't whack you with Golf Equipment, C... thanks for the link link anyways!

Well, no Indian food for me today... I'm going to definitely make Jef take me this weekend though. After reading Kelly's blog this morning, I'm pretty much in a funk. Sweetie I hope you can get everything back in order. Until then, I'm thinking about you and Doran. As always if there is anything I can do, please let me know!!

Also on the agenda: Estella's Moms... where are you ladies? If you've gone private please add me to your list: aradia7dragon at yahoo.

In A Bit Of A Curry

Ever wake up with a certain goal on your mind you just have to accomplish before the day is through?... It doesn't matter who or what you leave in your wake as long the goal is accomplished!

I must have Indian food today.

That sounds like a reasonable enough thing, doesn't it? Go grab some paneer at the local eatery and be done! The only hitch is that the "local" Indian restaurant is 50 miles away in a neighborhood we like to refer to as "bad" (I'd need a large one of these: term insurance policies). It would be an okay place for me to go, park, run in and grab a plate and leave, but with Ava in tow it's not really all that smart of an idea.

My second option is to cook a nice dish myself. Which sounds fun, except I don't have all afternoon, all the needed ingredients, or really any desire to do so.

Third option?... Wait until the weekend. Jef said he'd take me. He doesn't eat the food though- so that's kind of a waste. Oh, but it's very close to The Varsity. I can bribe him with a hot dog for sure.


RPNC Check-In

I didn't do this Friday, and I sure as heck shouldn't do it today either (thanks MOM for my breakfast PIE!):

*I'm still 5'8. I was hoping to put on 3 or 4 inches in height, but alas I'm foiled again!
*I weigh 189.5 lbs today... amazingly (that's 1/2 lb less than last week, but still more than I weighed at the doctor's office when I was kidney-stoned).

*Things I must work on:
1) SELF CONTROL!! My gosh there is food everywhere and it tastes so good.
2) Stop being a blob. No more blobbishness for you!

Gratuitous link to a fine product called hoodia. Oh, the things I'd try if I weren't bf-ing!

All Aboard!

We're loading this boobie train back up, yo! I'm done with the "bad meds" that have kept Ava from her ultimate goal of a free-range grub fest. I almost had Ava look into some addiction treatment for craving of the maternal nectar, but I could almost guarantee she'd run into Lyndsey or Britney- and wouldn't that just cause more trouble in the long run?

As I mentioned Friday, Ava has 2 bottom teeth. Last night, after trying to poke and prod and SEE said teeth (and get a picture) I gave up and decided to let her nurse. Apparently, the saying don't bite the hand that feeds you does not translate over to other body parts when you are 11 months old.

I should be getting more details on my job-ish thing this afternoon. Of course, as I know I will pass any pertinent info along!

--The Milk Maid says ouchie


Again With The Real Estate!

This isn't me wanting to move off again, I swear. After many moons working in the real estate and the mortgage field I might have gained a little notoriety.

This place: Broward county real estate is very similar to a company here I've been contacted by (oh gosh they're after me!) to do a little contract work. I'm waiting on details, but basically it involves a little webish stuff, some out-of-the-box thinking and a very flexible schedule. Well have to see how/if it pans out, but it could be fun. I'm still waiting on details, of course. No one blabs all to a prospect, so as the situation develops the Milk Maid shall report!

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If you've noticed the recent influx of key words and excessive blogs now you kinda know why! Trying to do that "good impression thing"!


Faith was gone, Jef and I were enjoying a fresh bottle of cheep bubbly, Ava was asleep and all was well until...


...My cell phone rang. Faith wanted to come home from the party. She was "too far away from home" and "missed her mommy". Which is sweet and all, but dang kid it's 9pm and I'm hoping to get drunk (the only no bf-ing perk I can think of) and get romantic! Sigh- I load up and go get little snicklefritz.

So, after that I couldn't sleep and (of course) I got on the computer to look for some different stuff that had been on my mind. I don't know if I mentioned it or not, but dad and I have bought a small airbrush tattoo operation and we have a booth set up at the flea market. It's been pretty successful so far (we've only been open two weeks, but it pays out enough for the rent and the help with a little left over!). Plus I have some side-gigs lined up at a chili cook off and car show and maybe even some grand openings. Money be money, I say! Anyways- there are a lot of things we still need- compressor splitter hoses, chairs, work tables, etc- and so I spent 2 hours looking for office supplies. After finding a lot I don't really need but loved (ergonomic foot rest) I gave that up and went to bed and had this dream:

My cell phone rings. I answer and it's Marcy! I say hello and she immediately starts to excitedly tell me:
M: I'm selling my horse!
A: (Confused) I didn't know you had a horse.
M: Yes, well it's really a small horse and Kris wont let me keep it because of the mess it made in the living room.
A: I see! What kind of horse is it?
M: A Hackney.
A: I used to have one of those. How much do you want for the horse?
M: $30. And I'll ship it to you!

--The Milk Maid remembers why she doesn't drink a lot of bubbly!


Not Surprised

Jef loves guy stuff- power tools, heavy equipment- basically anything that could tear the house down and take up a whole Saturday at the home improvement store is his idea of a good investment! So, when I got up early and found a link he'd saved for an info request on a plasma cutter how shocked could I actually pretend to be?

I'm thinking about trading a nice long beach vacation for a nice little man-prize! How's that for leverage?!

--The Milk Maid gots lots o' leverage to use!

I've Just Become Obsessed

Ok, perhaps I was obsessed with vacation and moving and all of that stuff before, but the more I look around on the internet, the more I seem to find places I could totally just load the car up and go-go-go away to! I have vacation brain and here's my latest find: Branson real estate. Anyone ever been to Branson? The now defunct Palmer Women are from close by I think...

If you scroll down on that site there is the info on the National Kids Fest- they get to ride a giant swing and make volcanoes and Gooey Gunk! Looks like we've missed that this year, but man- count me as a big kiddo for next year! A giant swing? Think I can get my dad to build ME a giant swing?!

So when IS the ATL gathering? Anyone really want to start planning that for definite? Since I'm already here :-P I'll be the fearless leader. When are you thinking, what are you thinking? Ok- nuff for now!

Friday Extra Edition

Jef and I have been looking at vacation spots for a quick "end of season" rendezvous. Faith has some time off in September and October (long weekends) and we really want to get her and Ava to the beach and maybe even into a cool theme park before year's end. Tired kids are excellent sleepers I always say! Any who, in my searches along the net I found this really cool site on Orlando vacation home rental.

We've always wanted to buy a home in FLA and move away (don't tell my parents- haha!). This is like the next best thing! I can't wait to try to talk Jef into renting a 3 bedroom condo. I have a weird thing about hotels- but that's a long story for another day! Condos feel like home to me since I spent about a month every summer from the time I was 9 in one near Daytona! Ok, enough blabbing- I was excited and just had to share! :D

Obligatory Mish-Mash of Friday

The week just seems to fly by when you're all doped up on pain meds! Actually, I haven't had any pain medicine in over 24 hours. I have yet to pass a stone, and I think the little boogers like in better than out, so oh well. As long as I don't stay doubled over in pain I really could care less. The doc wasn't all that worried if I passed them since they are small. I even tempted fate this morning and had coffee (gasp!) to see if that would induce a spasm-fit. So far all is quiet.

Faith is off to a spend the night birthday party for Sarah and MacKenzie, two cute little twin girls in her class (who do NOT violate the excessive vowel/double letter law like the dreaded Courtennay). I bought some canvas tote bags which I am planning on decorating today with appliques and ribbon (yes, I can be crafty- hehe!). I also got "stuff" to go in the bags... A beach ball and some adorable lip gloss hidden inside of a girlie looking dog-tag style locket ("Decorate The Back!" it taunts). Of course I had to buy Faith a 48" beach ball because it was on sale for $1. I had to! I will regret that purchase I'm certain. I also bought frozen Tilapia... not for the girls though. Although I would delight at individually frozen fish fillets as a gift, but that's just me.

I managed to get a photo of "The Tooth" (which will soon become "The Teeth" the way things are looking!):
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The Tooth is on the left side of the pic.
It's friend is looking very close to the surface (we thought it would be the 1st thru) and you can see it white under the gumline.

Little Miss has also learned how to climb into the toy box and play, definately making her MY kid, as the toy box was where I spent the first 4 years of my life. At least hers has no heavy wicker lid to close on her head (So THAT'S what's wrong with me!):
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I hope everyone has a great weekend! Perhaps our Texas pals wont float away and the rest of us won't melt from the heat! Happy Weekend Y'all!

--The Milk Maid says Love Shack Baby Love Shack!

UPDATED - PS: The other tooth is thru. That was swift! (12:30pm)

B- look very, very close for the tooth... want me to send her to nibble your hand off? :D

PPS- Need more of this Dell Memory stuff to load these pics on the laptop. I think I crashed it! Oops!


Sofa, So Good

The sofa has been a great parking spot for me the past day and a half! I'm feeling much improved with yet another complete night of sleep. Ava is still giving me the go to hell look for denying her the boob, but what can I do? I am doing the old pump and dump routine, and in another 2-3 days I'll be back into the groove on the bf-ing.

My mom and dad have both made smart ass comments like "Well she'll be weaned by the time you're done with those medicines!". This angers me to no end. You'd think they would have tried to be supportive all these months, but it's just a "when will you be through with that thing" to them. Mess with me people, and she'll be 3 years old and still nursing! Arrrgh!

I'm guessing this wasn't the best week to become a part of the RPNC. The meds have made me blow up like a toad. I was 2 lbs. lighter than I'd thought when I went to the doc the other day though, so that's like wiggle room- right?! So with that wiggle room I wiggled right into a pack or two of Oreo Cakesters. And part of a steak. My weakness is portion control! I do great at night because I cook small portions for Jef, but the rest of the day is just one huge smorgasbord for me with fridge leftovers, fast food, and food from mom's house. Heaven forbid I visit another relative- they will literally poke food down your gullet (do I have a gullet?).

So, my RPNC goals are:

  1. Eat better portion sizes
  2. Cut out fast food to a minimum
  3. Drink more water (which is also a doctor's order)
  4. Be it karate or playing in the yard or house with the kiddos I'm going to get up and move- anything can be exercise!

--The Milk Maid says shake your bonbon!


How's Your Kidney Bean?

I would like to announce the arrival of "Ava's 1st tooth"! I was feeding her egg this morning and poked a piece in with my finger- and she bit me. Hurrah! I'm gonna miss that little toothless grin, but it's such a pretty little pearl of a tooth who could complain? I think now would be a nice time to buy a suit of armor for my ninnies.

The ME stuff:
Thanks to plenty of strong pain meds I slept like a rock last night! You could have sent a cymbal playing elephant crashing through my bedroom, and I don't think it would have roused me at all. Jef (who's notorious for nighttime pee-breaks) didn't budge either. And Ava slept all night too!

I've not had any pain meds so far today, and luckily I haven't really needed them. I've been drinking enough water to drown a cow, and I have made it a point to stay up and moving as much as I can without over doing it. I went to Wal-Mart and got diapers and cat litter this morning, because creatures other than me tend to tinkle a lot too.

Can I just say I have the best husband anywhere? I do! I do! What I lucky gal I am to have my Big J. Yesterday morning I shooed him off to work thinking I've been in pain for 8 hours, I can make it another hour until the doctor opens up!

I was wrong. Boy howdy was I ever wrong. I called my regular doc at a little before 8:30 and the nurse on-call answered. She could most likely hear the desperation in my voice, because she was all "honey" and "sweetie" with me as she informed me the doc was at the dentist, and wouldn't be back in til tomorrow. She recommended the quick care clinic in town. I called Jef and was trying to tell him I was going to drive myself there (because I am a tuffnut, dang it) and I broke down into hysterical tears and sobbing. Between lack of sleep and pain I was done. I couldn't find my shoes, let along drive 30 miles to town. Jef came home, we took Ava to my mom's house, and he drove like a maniac to the clinic.

Jump forward to post check-in, urine analysis, the x-rays confirming 2 kidney stones... The doctor asked if I would like a "little something for pain". I was so overjoyed at that proposition that I told him, "Dude, I'd wash your car for some relief!". He had the nurse come in and give me a shot of something-

--Maybe Michell can shed some light on what comes in a big syringe and burns like HELLFIRE when they poke it in your butt cheek, and later bruises like a MudderFudder. Plus it only makes me jabbery and say "dude!" a lot, but doesn't do so much for pain.--

Anyways, a pharmacy trip and a urologist trip later I have 2 stones that are 3-4mm in size. One in the left and one in the right kidney. I may pass them, they may do nothing. I'm peeing thru a strainer which is so much fun I can't stand it. I actually thought I'd passed a stone a while ago. Until I stuck my finger in there and it was a bubble. Eewww.

The really sucky part of all this is that I am not allowed to breastfeed Ava while on the steroids and the antibiotic. Can I just say the look of betrayal on her face this morning when I offered her some formula was heartbreaking. She looked at me like, "But I want BOOB!". I think the egg made up for it though. Perhaps that's why she bit me!

Oh and Deena- Jef is still laughing today over the power line comment. That's too funny girl!! No, we don't live under and power lines, but Jef did play in an abandoned nuclear lab as a kid. I don't know what my deal is! :D

--The Milk Maid says where's the beef?


The All-Nighter

I wish I had something funny to use that title for, but I don't.

I was up all nite, minus about an hour this morning, in agony (thanks for the shhh B, but my bladder didn't hear you). I couldn't get in with my regular doc, so I had Jef take me to the Quick Care clinic. Here's the verdict:

Yes, I have a rather mild UTI. The real problem is, drum roll please: 2 kidney stones-- one on each side. That explains the ungodly pain, the ensuing nausea, the fever and cold chills and a myriad of other symptoms. I am waiting on my afternoon appointment with a urologist.

What is it with this household and kidney issues?

I am buzzing along right now on 2 kinds of pain meds, a bigger and better antibiotic, and a steroid. They gave me a shot of somethingerother at the clinic, but it did very little for the pain. It just made my butt sting and made me jabber a lot.

So- that's all the news for now. I'll update if any other jazzy developments pop up!

--The Milk Maid needs a nap.


Monday, Monday

My aunt saved my life today. Ok, not really my life- but what a catchy first sentence huh? She actually just fed me really well (deviled egg sandwich) and baked a chocolate pie just for ME... and happened to have some kickass antibiotics that she wasn't using. I don't normally borrow meds from people, but the crap my doc called in (all 3 days worth) was as useful as a bicycling fish. I have been in constant pain and bladder-spasm all weekend. I took one borrowed pill this morning, and I am almost symptom free. Hurrah!

Now that we're all current on the strategic maneuvers of my plumbing, let's talk about skinny people who have liposuction. I was watching Dr. 90210 and this SIZE ZERO beeyotch was having lipo. Because she was "SoooOOOoo fat". I wanted to write her a letter and inform her that a manners class would have been a better investment, long with a grammar lesson. Then I wanted to smack the crap out of beeyotch and yell, "Eat some solid food you whore!".

But I digress!

--The Milk Maid is not lactivist intolerant


Too Darn Cute Not To Share

Ava, the stair climbing baby...

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Happy with her catch- (Buster's old squeaky toy that he was afraid of!)
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You can sort of see her in total body-shake from the bliss of it all. The sound she's making is like "hooodaaaaaaa!" -- Very Al Pacino as a baby.

Following In K's Footsteps...

Click to view my Personality Profile page

INFPs are introspective, private, creative and highly idealistic individuals that have a constant desire to be on a meaningful path. They are driven by their values and seek peace. Empathetic and compassionate, they want to help others and humanity as a whole. INFPs are imaginitive, artistic and often have a talent for language and writing. They can also be described as easygoing, selfless, guarded, adaptable, patient and loyal.

Sounds accurate K.... :D And Shakespeare is a INFP too. Maybe they will have a big Aradia the Milk Maid festival one day! I guess I'd better get to writing that damn book.


Finally Friday Mish-Mash

For you, my curious pals, who have questioned me about this magical tea I have been drinking as of late... Here's the link! It's the Treasure Tea. There are tons and tons of great stuff on this website. Check out the Camu Camu if you get a chance too. That's kept me off zoloft (for now!).

And now back to our regulary scheduled mish-mash:

Faith has been having a blast at school. She said that "4th grade is like 3rd grade, but only better". I'm glad she's cleared that up for me.

Ava has found Dora The Explorer. We sing the Backpack song a lot now. I don't remember all the real words to the song, so I improvise new lyrics. I also use various accents and voice styling. I did a really great Dean Martin style croon, followed by a Louis Armstrong version of Under The Sea from Little Mermaid fame. (And K, I'm teaching Ava the lyrics to Poe's I'm Not A Virgin!).

My pestilence continues: Can anyone say bladder/urinary tract infection? What will I get next- Hanta Virus?? Maybe I'll go buy a pet rat and just get it over with.

And speaking of vermin, my ex-mother-in-law couldn't manage to pick Faith up in the car rider line of school today because it was "too hot". Your car has air, f*cknut. I see where your son garnered his intelligence from.

B, Supermom, and all others on a diet: You make me look bad. I too need to get my rumpus grande in gear. I WAS going to karate tonite... Until this UTI came on like a drunken prom date (fast and way too easy). In lieu of making said class, I will come clean and post my stats:

5'8 tall, 191 lbs.

According to that BMI calculator thingie that tells you what your ideal weight should be, I need to lose 55-65 lbs. I weighed 140 the day I graduated high school. I was a brick shit house too. If I could see the other side of 170 again I'd be thrilled. Siiigh.

Well, my pain med I took for the UTI deal is kicking in and I am about to fall out. I'd better stop typing NOW while this still makes sense (at least I HOPE it all makes some sense).

--The Milk Maid says pee-pee-wee-wee-orange-whooowhooo.


Letters From The Editor

Dearest Father,

I know that I keep a messy house on the best of days. In case you have forgotten, I have a husband, a 9 year old daughter, a 10 month old daughter, and a cat. Sometimes the clutter goes unnoticed and the fallout of a day's adventures goes without being picked up. You do not need to barge in, unannounced, and voice this to me when I am already having one hell of a day.
Let me remind you that you do not live here, nor do you pay the mortgage or any other bills at this residence. May I also remind you that since I am your only child I will be the only say-so in choosing what nursing home you will live out the rest of your days in. Furthermore, and this should go without saying, you do occasionally use my home as a hideout from my mother. I will tell her were you are. I will tell her you come here to hide from her, drink alcohol whilst on my premises, and that you say "dammit" when she calls you on your cell phone to make you come home.

With all this said, I do love you dearly father. You have been a marvelous person and caregiver 98% of the time that I have known you. You've never failed to give me your all and bend over backwards for me. Ask anyone, they know I am truly a "daddy's girl"!

But your "my way or the highway" attitude sucks. And you seem to piss me off on a more and more frequent basis these days. I no longer live under your roof. I am bigger than you, stronger than you, younger than you, and I am trained in martial arts. I am an independent woman. I'm in a GANG for cripes sakes. Do not make me shank you.

Please heed this warning to be on your best behavior when on my property. Jef is looking for an excuse to move us to the Yukon Territory or a deserted island or some other location that even the best, most sensitive navigation system will never find if you continue to cause me strive. When I'm pissed at you, he must face my wrath. Snarky does not cut it with Jef. If he blows his top you will be labeled by news media everywhere as collateral damage.
This letter constitutes as your fair warning.

With love,

Your Daughter


Pre-School Countdown

Faith returns to school tomorrow. May I just say THANK GOODNESS! I was thaaat close to selling her to the gypsies. We had open house this afternoon, her teacher is awesome- I've known her since I was a kid- and Faith is ready to head back to class.

My back and shoulders are feeling much better today. My head has been hurting on and off, but I think it's due to the tea Konetta gave me instead of going splat in the floor.

This really tasty tea is from the Amazon and is really good for just about anything that ailes you. A good cleanse she says. A good energy boost she says. I have been running full blast all day, that I can't deny. Konetta swears there are no illegal substances in this tea. All natural. All 100% good for you. I wonder if I will be cleaning out the garage soon or dusting the ceiling fans at 4am. I'm glad I drank it very early in the morning. This stuff must be Amazon Red Bull!

B- What kind of cake? I've been dreaming of cake all day. Tomorrow, I eat cake!

Ra- Jef really enjoyed the photos of your dog wearing your bra on its head. He's just all guy, huh?! And I'm envious of your new washer/dryer. We have an older front load and I love it. Faith will watch it for hours- it's the "PPV Clothes Fight".

Oh and speaking of Faith, I must share her latest Faithism: (after watching a cartoon with a reference to Sparticus) "Mother, I am Farticus!". Yes baby- you are indeed!

-- The Milk Maid send cake in lieu of flour.


And it's only 9:45am **UPDATED**

Ava woke up with a HUGE poopie in her diaper. Poopie doesn't do it justice- this was a dook. A brown trout. A peanut butter bomb. Not something you'd want to smell pre-coffee.

I managed to gain 5 lbs since yesterday morning. WTF?! And all I ate was stale rice cakes. Oh, and that spaghetti. Oops.

Ava scaled the fireplace (as I was weighing) and grabbed a small rock out of the gas logs. I heard her grabbing around and shuffling so I ran back into the den. When she saw me coming she started shoving the rock into her mouth like a spy would with a secret document. I fished it out as she protested by biting (gumming) me. Add rocks to the random crap she's determined to eat.

I walk back into the kitchen with Ava in my arms to find something for breakfast and slipped on the tile. I busted it, complete with kiddo in tow. She was fine- she actually landed on top of me and giggled at me. I was pissed. And my knee hurt a little. Now my shoulders are sore.

Then my pal Konetta called. I have an appointment with her today. That I'd forgotten about. That I don't really want to go to in the first place. I rescheduled to 11 since mom is gone, dad is gone, and I don't want to go to RELAX with The Faith and Ava Show. Jef offered to leave work and watch them. I appreciate his offer, but no. He needs to work and make some of that green stuff. What's that stuff called? Money. Yeah- that.

I need a bag of chocolate and a place to hide for an hour... who's with me?!

I went and enjoyed my hour with Konetta. She slathered my back up with tons of essential oils to help with the pain and the swelling and the nastiness of it all. Thanks Koni- without you I would be hiding under a desk, somewhere in Texas, gorged on chocolate. (That still does sound good though!)

I'm going to put Ava down for a nap, take a nice long shower, watch my recorded episode of the Y&R, and relax until my Big J gets home. :D


Stale Rice Cakes

I am wolfing down my 3rd rather stale rice cake of the day. I know, how can you tell if they are stale... they taste like styrofoam anyway. I bought this pack in 2005. I'm pretty sure they're stale. But, being one of iron-stomach, I am eating it regardless.

I keep thinking I see Buster. At the door, in his cage, on the front porch. Jef thought he heard his tail wagging in his crate. I've heard that too. During one of Ava's late night nursing sessions I would have sworn under oath that Buster has jumped from his favorite spot on the front porch swing and trotted off. My heart knows he's gone, but my mind still thinks he should be here doing all of his little Buster-weener things.

On a brighter note... It's been a pretty quiet day around here. I've been surfing the net, catching up on a few emails (meaning emailing B at work, shhh!), Im-ing with Jef and Meg. Ava has been content to play with Faith or crawl around at my feet. I enjoy days like this! I have even gotten the Huge Book O' Emails out from the cabinet and I'm rereading all the old emails Jef and I sent back and forth during our courtship. We're some romantic people!

--The Milk Maid is best if used by her expiration date


Oh, The Ponderance!

The discussion of "should we" versus "when will we" have another baby has come to the forefront.

I know there are many of you who are still waiting for number 1... and we're on to the next possibility.

Please vent to me your fears, frustrations, and all the like...

We're still many, many months away from the TTC game. I don't want to step on any toes, so I guess I am begging permission here. I remember how small a thing it was that would send me "over the edge" when we were first TTC... Seeing people preggo and not having that baby of my own to hold. I don't want to be any one's link to insanity or compulsion or depression. So- give me your feedback... aradia7dragon at yahoo dot com!!!

--The Milk Maid is not one to bite the hand that feeds her.


Beautiful Friday Mish-Mash

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood children! Yes- I am in a perky mood. Could that have something to do with the amorous adventures of a certain Milk Maid and her dearest? Certain adventures times TWO please. Nothing puts you to sleep for the night like love-making, and there's nothing like a good predawn romp to make the blood flow!

And whilst on the topic of sex, Jef finally figured out how to make his penis 8 inches. It was simple really. He just folded it in half!

The sound of silence fills the air here. Faith and Ava are fast asleep in their beds. The cat is curled up asleep at my feet. The coffee maker has stopped it's perking. Just the sound of my fingernails clacking away at the keyboard. I am taking a minute to soak it all in.

For all the new moms who don't have mobile children (yet) and all the mom's-in-waiting who are seeking a baby-bean all their own, let me tell you what having a 10 month old is like:

Having a 10 month old is like having a velociraptor as a pet. Remember those pesky little miniature t-rex types from Jurrassic Park? The ones who would watch the humans and learn to replicate their every move. Like learning to open doors, dismantle remotes, move furniture, manipulate siblings, and climb fireplaces. Ok, so the Jurassic Park dinos only opened doors and tried to eat people, but you get my drift here.

Have I told you the story of how Ava didn't want to sleep one night a month or so ago... and she decided to rip the pretty little Classic Winnie The Pooh border off her wall behind the crib? Yep. Tore it in half. Her crib now sits about 3 feet off the wall.

On the upside of being such a smart little dare-devil, I have managed to teach Ava a few tricks. My favorite thing she does is she lays her head over to the side when you say, "Who's sweet?" and gives you the sweetest most innocent smile ever! And then she will continue upon her path of destruction. I don't think it a coincidence at all that there was a hurricane named Helene when I was pregnant with Miss Ava Helene.

Who's so sweet to help mommy blog!
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She was "brushing" the cat with the hairbrush- he left before I could get that photo.
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Ava is talking to the cat in this picture.
She's giving him heck over something- I think she called him a dodo bird!
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--The Milk Maid is a proud member of the mommy-bloggers guild.


Jef's Update

The creatinine level is down .4 to 4.4--- which is better.

But Dr. F*ucknut seems to be writing a study paper on this type of kidney disease for a University and would "love to speak with your wife about doing a biopsy for that... and for your health Jef."

Glad the doc's priorities are strait.

I'm off to research alternative treatment options.

I'm really to the point where I have stopped giving a shit about diet and kidneys and creatinine. I will do all I can to support Jef through this never ending sea of b.s., but it is not going to rule my life or influence my state of mind any more. I have stayed amazingly positive today. And I chalk it all up to just not caring. Of course I care about Jef- I don't mean it that way. I care for him more than anything.

But I can't continue to ride this roller coaster or it will wind up killing ME.

Early Morning Game Of Tag

Estella's Moms have tagged me... and goodness knows there are always 8 random things about me I can come up with to share:

1. I have a mole above my belly button. It's a pretty Cindy Crawford type mole, only a lot lower than hers. It's my only mole.

2. I have a random scar in my eyebrow that I think came from one of my childhood adventures with my 2 older (boy) cousins. They threw a lot of stuff at me growing up- sticks, rocks, baseballs... and made me eat bugs to be in their "club".

3. Songs I downloaded on Tuesday: My Sharona (The Knack), Under Pressure (Queen and David Bowie), Touch Me (The Doors)

4. I was the lead singer of a band in High School-- called Chaos. I never met the drummer, the bassist had a crush on me, and my gal-pal Lisa was the guitarist. She'd never played the guitar before.

5. I have a tattoo of Charlie Brown on my butt cheek.

6. I have 3 additional tattoos. I used to have my belly button and my nose pierced.

7. I was blonde as a child, and highlighted my hair until about 5 or 6 years ago. My natural color is a deep brown with auburn tones.

8. My goal as a child was to become a stand up comedian.


Strange Phone Call

The message on my answering machine said:

"Hi, this is So-in-so from the City Hall of Ottawa, Kansas. I am trying to reach you (First Initial, Last Name) in regards to a parking ticket you received on July 17th. We have traced the tag back to you, and would like to speak to you in person regarding this ticket. Responding now to this courtesy call will allow you to pay the small fine of $5 instead of the larger fine of $25. Please mail a check today to..."

First of all I panicked. OMG when did I get a parking ticket?

Then the logical side of my brain say, "Hey you dumbass... you have never been to KANSAS!".

So it's a mistake right? But that fear still lingered. Did someone steal a tag that was mine and go park next to a fire hydrant or something? Do I have a tag on my car now?! I was at the water park in my dad's truck when I checked my messages, so I had to ride for 30 minutes to see that yes, I still have a tag attached to my car. It's the only tag I've ever had in my name, so that really narrowed that down.

I called Mrs. So-in-so. I left Mrs. So-in-so a message saying there must be a mistake, I'd be happy to discuss this with her at her convenience, and then I mentioned that I'd never, ever been to Kansas, but it sounds like a really nice place!

Of course dad had to comment on this. Of course he did, where do you think I learned my snarky ways? What'd he say?... Something to the effect of, "Did you click your red heels and fly off to Kansas and forget about it?"

My response (in my trademarked monotone never-skip-a-beat style):

"The Bitch Shoes don't have magical powers dad."

Oh yeah, and it was all a case of mistaken identity. Seems when you leave the name Aradia on someones machine all they can seem to reply is "Oh, I thought I was calling Ann [Lastname]".

--The Milk Maid says the bitch (shoe) is back with fresh snark.