My boobs were my tools of the trade for almost 20 months.

Once my youngest daughter weaned herself from the Magical Boob Juice, the fun really began!

(And by fun we all know I mean chaos!)

Pull up a chair, sit a while, read a few pages.

Keep and open mind and a joyful heart and you too can get pumped into the world of The Milk Maid.


The Case Of The Missing Sister Mish-Mash

Thursday night a little after 9pm the phone rang. I looked at the caller ID and saw that it was Jef's sister D's number. I handed him the phone, thinking the call would be something about the upcoming move that Jef's dad will be making or other brotherly/sisterly based conversation.

Within a few seconds I realized by the look on Jef's face that this call was very, very different. It was Bro Mikey calling (D's hubby). D was supposed to pick their son up from the airport at 3. She'd sent their son a text saying she was running a little behind. D never showed up at the airport; no one had heard from her in person since noon.

We all feared the worst.

Jef's brother, Ronny, passed away just over a year ago. D has a history of seizures. Our minds raced- what could have happened?! A heart attack, a stroke, a seizure-- was she carjacked in the middle of downtown Atlanta?

Needless to say, we didn't sleep a wink that night awaiting the news of Deby's fate.

The next morning on the way to grab breakfast Jef's cell phone rang. My heart sank. I didn't want to hear the news that I was certain awaited. I didn't want to see Jef's eyes well with tears and his heart break over the loss of his sister.

D was safe and sound... and I have never been so happy to hear that someone had spend the night in jail.

The rest of the story is still unfolding, but it is claimed that D's transgressions were just a case of a simple mix up. Only time will tell... And jailbird or not I'm glad as heck she's ok!

--The Milk Maid says roast your jailbird at 425 degrees for one hour for best flavor.


Bottoms Up!

If you will recall, not very long ago I asked for some drink suggestions for a little contest. Thanks to all those of you who have sent suggestions like Deena, Mother Hen, K, Dalton's Mom (ohh- Dalton's mom- what kind of beer?? I'm dying to drink know!) and any one else I've forgotten on my road to drinkdom. I'm still open for any and all suggestions and voting will be open until the 30th of June.

There is a REAL prize involved here- and it's purdy spiffy if I do say so myself!

To note: Last week Jef and I tried the cranberry margarita (thanks Mother Hen!!!). Tonite sounds like a Lazy P Gimlet kind of nite.

--The Milk Maid says CHEERS!


Window Pain

Once upon a time, in a far away land, lived the Milk Maid and her exceedingly brilliant husband, the Milk Man.

These two characters cavorted in many a scheme, but perhaps none so great as to install a window in the sacred kitchen. You see, long before the Milk Man came to live in the Casa Del Leche, the industrious Milk Maid built (with her own glove-clothen hands) the soon to become Casa De Leche for all to see. However, the kitchen sink view was lacking in the fact that there was no window to view the glory beyond it's pane (on a side note, the garage is all there would be to view, but nonetheless the Milk Maid proclaimed that if she were to stand for wretched hours on end scrubbing and scraping and cleaning the dishes like some simple peasant girl well she absolutely MUST have a glimpse of something other than sheet rock).

The Milk Man obliged the fair Milk Maid, measuring and cutting the wall that was to become a portal to the world.

The Milk Maid was slightly worried, but she had complete faith and trust in her man. Well, pretty much.

The preliminary cuts were made, and the Milk Man handed his lovely bride her tool kit. She chose the hammer without further adieu.

Ravishing the wall blow by blow, like a scene from a Victorian Romance Novel gone amok, the Milk Maid tore away at the wall.

A gasp from the Milk Maid... Was it the evil sorcerer behind the wall? A dragon? The curse of a long dead king?

No... it was far worse!

It was 2 electrical cables, one telephone wire, and a 4 inch water pipe that gripped our sweaty adventurers that day.

The Milk Man turned to the Milk Maid, with love in his eyes and proclaimed, "Woman, I think our journey should end here".

The Milk Maid, with sorrow in her eyes asked, "Why can we make an S-bend in the pipe and reroute the wires? I mean, come on dude- let's rock and roll. Mama wants to see some sunshine every once and a while!".

The Milk Man touted, "Fair Maid of the Milk, have you lost your mind? Do you know the hours evolved in something of that magnitude?"

The Milk Maid looked almost doleful, then recanted, "Hey jackleg- all I want is a little sunshine in MY day, I don't know about YOU, but..."

"How about a nice tile back splash here? It's easy to patch sheet rock, and we can put a beautiful mosaic- perhaps of the beach- right about here..."

"Ooooh!" gleamed the Milk Maid. "And maybe even a little metal back splash over here, and some blue paint here, and a new floor here, and even a couple of new handles for the cabinets which need a good scrubbing by the by, and maybe even a couple..."
--The Milk Man says "Yes, my lady"!


Saturday Dookerific Ramblings

Some days it amazes me how great I feel, but most days are like today. Nothing to work towards. No direction. No momentum. No give a shit.

I don't like being bitter. I don't like the cynicism. I don't like who I am or how I feel about it all.

But nonetheless I'm pretty much stuck with me.

I've tried not to keep it all so bottled up or hold it in or fuel the fire of a grudge, but I can't let any of it go as of late.

I love Jef being home, but some days I wonder if he still sees the girl he married.

I enjoy the freedom to gain an education, but I wonder if all my hard work, sleepless nights, and effort will amount to any kind of decent pay check or feeling of self worth.

I love my friends, but I wonder how easy it is for them to "take their ball and go home" in my life- so to speak.

I love the fact that I have decent people reading skills, but I dread the paranoia that brings my way when I'm feeling low.

I love my blog, but I wonder some days if anyone out there loves what I do here.

Don't worry, loyal readers (if there are any). You can't shut me up. I'll be here babbling on and on until someone pulls the plug.

--The Milk Maid listens to the sound of silence.

anyone for Mac memory ?


FRYday Mish-Mash

Summer is in full swing here in the ATL! Kids are in the pool or splashing through sprinklers, gardens are growing, and parents who forgot their daily dash of d.o. are freaking out their kids with well timed headlocks. That's the rumor at least.

Jef and I are still enjoying the marital blissathon that is his temporary unemployment! However, an old pal of Jef's owns a motorcycle shop nearby and is down a few men. One well timed phone call later, Jef has an interview and a solid chance at getting the position. Everyone cross your fingers and hold your breath. Well, just hold it for like 10 seconds or so-- I may be CPR certified, but chances are I'm not that close in location to you. And I like you. So don't pass out and die on me, mmm k?

--The Milk Maid says blow my mind, not my cover!


Hair I Am!

Today was the first day in- ohh - months (like before MAMU way back in March) that I'd gotten my hair colored and cut. I feel fabulous with my touched up tresses, which are now long enough to fall a good 3 or 4 inches below my shoulders.

I completed my intro to venipuncture course yesterday. I also received my CPR certification for adults, children, and infants plus the bonus AED cert (one of those defib in a bag deals).

I have two weeks off before clinicals begin! What will I do with all that spare time I wonder?

Faith is in a Creepy Climby Super Slimy Camp this week at the local nature center. She gets to play with snakes and bugs, play in the creek and slide down waterfalls.

I ordered a ton of scrubs at an online shop called Scrubs Gallery. Here's a little linky to them if anyone is interested in updating their collection of nursing uniforms at a reasonable price!

--The Milk Maid says sail for the sale!


Plunking Along **UPDATED**

I made it out of A&P alive- with a C average. I could really care less at this point because 1) everyone bombed on the last test (class average was a 51, I made a 61) and 2) I'm done I'm done I never have to do it again (I hope) I'm DONE!

Considering we did not have a "final exam" per say in A&P the teacher readjusted our weekly test grades to reflect that fact... and I ended up with an 83 average in A&P!!!! Can you say "hell fuckin' yeah?!" (:::the milk maid grabs her chest, does a Mick Jaggeresque strut around the dining room table while she screams HoooHaaaa Bite My Snausage!:::)

My clinical site is confirmed for Super Large Clinic Site. I start that adventure on July 7th.

We had a nice Father's Day- I cooked Jef and dad a super huge standing rib roast with mashed potatoes and corn on the cob. We ate until we collapsed and had to be wheel-barrowed across the yard and dumped onto the couch. Jef's real Father's day gift is supposed to show up today... I'm sure he'll showcase his gift from Ava and Faith in a future episode of MIC (that's Milk-Induced Coma, FYI).

Anyone read any good diet pill reviews as of late?

I would like- no I would LOVE- to start doing a little "beverage du jour" post once a week or so. Gather up your suggestions (and I know you have them!) for wine, mixed drinks, beer or ale, shooters, or any other adult beverage -- or even adult beverage substitute!!-- for yours truly to try and review. I am holding a nice little gift (a REAL gift for a real giveaway) for the Best Drink of the Month Contest. You have until the end of this month to submit ideas, every one's name will go into a hat, and the winner will get the PrIzE! Fo reals yo!

--The Milk Maid says many will enter, few will win- No purchase necessary!!


Just Another Friday Mish-Mash

Jef was supposed to go back to work yesterday, but the boss-dude called and said to wait until Friday (they were trying to work stuff out). Well, they didn't want him to come in today either. So I don't know if he really has a job or what the hell is going on.

Dad snapped my head off this morning because I'm apparently "very snappy" these days. Maybe I am very snappy, but I don't need that pointed out in every single conversation we have. And just FYI dad- when you start the conversation off by saying how snappy I am, well I'm going to really be a bitch then.

I have my last 2 A&P tests by Sunday and if I can make it out of that class with a B average I'll be just thrilled. Just freakin' thrilled. I'm seriously doubting at this point I will make it out with the B I currently have, seeing as how the class average is below failing (well below) on both tests. I'm half tempted to just open the tests, take them and just be over it. But noo- I have some sense of moral obligation to do well and apply myself. Sometimes I really hate that about me.

--The Milk Maid is just a poor little pork chop living in a steak's world.


Playing Ketchup

Blogging you all up to speed:

  1. Jef got the job. He starts tomorrow.
  2. My last A&P class is TODAY. Thank you lord!! I will take my two remaining tests online (due no later than Sunday) and that is all she wrote.
  3. On the 18th I take my final in my intro to venipuncture class. I have a 6 hour CPR certification class the teacher is teaching before hand. She kinda "forgot" we needed that, so now we cram.
  4. My clinical site that was the hospital might be changed. We had to draw names and although I am guaranteed a spot in the first round (July 7- Aug 8) I may not be at the hospital, but rather the super-huge clinic right across the street. At this point, I could care less. I'm just happy to be finished with A&P (:::the milk maid runs in circles and squeals with delight:::)

--The Milk Maid says buy diet pills online and save yourself the hassle of having to get out of your car and walk to the store.


Tammy Tagged Me!

(A long time ago!-- Sorry for being slack!!)

The rules: Each player answers the questions about themselves. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5-6 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog. Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve posted your answer.

1) What was I doing ten years ago?
10 years ago today I had my gall bladder removed.

2) What are five (non-work) things on my to-do list for today:
- A&P Class
- Chiropractor
- Lunch with Cindy-Loo-Hoo
- Intro to Venipuncture class
- A&P workbook (barf)

3) Snacks I enjoy:
Um, hello- ANY food will do. Especially chocolate food, pizza, Doritos!

4) Things I would do if I were a billionaire:
Buy my own island, have a staff of cabana boys, and try my best to turn into Karen Walker from the TV show Will & Grace. Oh, and save the world and stuff too.

5) Places I have lived:
GA- mom and dad's house, front yard, backyard, about 10 miles away (for 3 months). Oh I'm such an exciting person!

6) Jobs I have had:
Dog groomer, real estate assistant, administrative assistant, Chief Pain In The Ass (current position)

7) Peeps I want to know more about:
My Pal B, Aunt Becky, Dory, and Baby Bound (and anyone else who has tagged me) :D

--The Milk Maid says here be some maternity clothes!


Spread Thin Like That Last Dab Of Mayo In Your Jar

Repeat after me:

And can we all hear the echo as I should those glorious words from the roof tops? Oh yeah, I think we can!
A&P, you can suck my nonexistent weener. I loathe you and your workbook from hell. How I flinch every single time the teacher mispronounces a word (and not even words like hydrophilic or plasmapheresis- a word like murmur or value or respiration... or wasn't). How I dread Dumb Kate hanging all over me like kudzu clings to pine trees. Ohhh the list could go on, you know.
On an up note, I got my assignment for clinicals- and it's the exact place I wanted to be at- the majorly major totally tubular fun-filled jolly hospital place (she said trying to keep the excitement flowing about all of this).
On the Big J front: A former boss and close pal of Big J's called the other night looking "desperately" for Jef. He continued by saying, "I must have you work for me. I must! I cannot fathom the depths I would sink to if you were to not lay all other business aside and RUN to me and work here! And you look dashing in that new polo your wife bought for you- stunning!"
(Editors note: The above referenced side of conversation may or may not have taken place verbatim as the author of this blog could only hear what Jef was saying, but in the author's mind that's how it all went down.)
So- Jef had the "interview" today which probably consisted of drinking beer and eating hot wings and looking at the breasts of young women who are forced to wear panty hose due to the shortness of their shorts. And- of course- Jef was offered the job, which he plans on taking as soon as the paper work stating salary and blahblahblah is in hand. Looks like we wont have to live in any cheap hotels in the foreseeable future.
So- It looks like things are getting back to *cough*hack*gag*hatethisword* NORMAL around these parts.
--The Milk Maid says normal is for sissies. Or maybe brudders. Perhaps an aunt or uncle.