My boobs were my tools of the trade for almost 20 months.

Once my youngest daughter weaned herself from the Magical Boob Juice, the fun really began!

(And by fun we all know I mean chaos!)

Pull up a chair, sit a while, read a few pages.

Keep and open mind and a joyful heart and you too can get pumped into the world of The Milk Maid.


The You've Been Tagged Friday Mish-Mash

Charlie bit me!

Oh- no, I mean B tagged me for a ridiculous meme and I will only comply because of that whole free room and board setup.

The Rules:
1. Grab the nearest book of 123 pages or more.
2. Open it to page 123.
3. Find the first 5 sentences and write them down.
4. Then invite 5 friends to do the same.

My Book: The Sex and Music Issue of Play.boy from March 2006...

Nope- wait. Page 123 has NO words (I dig the red leather boots though).

My (revised) Book: A Salty Piece of Land by Jimmy Buffett

"Somehow I had clicked into survival mode and had begun to think quite clearly. The first thing that came to my mind was that we were not moving. Then I heard Wilton's voice. I opened my eyes to see Wilton Stilton sitting in the driver's seat. The winner of the Miss Mullet Wet T-shirt Contest was sitting on his lap."

Now I tag Dooce, Mimi Smartypants, Papa Smurf, Mike Rowe, and Bob Marley!

I'm glad that most of you don't think I'm crazy over the kidney thing. We all have our trigger, and stuff like that is mine. I know, I know, it's like I live at 123 Pessimist Street, Real World, Earth, population 1 some days. I want to believe in miracles- every single damn day I just want to let go and believe- but the real me who has been pushed around and scorned and lied to so much can't let herself believe again. Belief involves trust. Trust is made to be broken. Perpetuation of the pattern. Just when I think the pattern is broken I realize it was all a trick. A trick to build me up and tear me down.

Sigh- ok, enough depressing crap.

Here's your happy of the day:


Chipper Gato, aka Chip

--The Milk Maid says nom nom nom.



I'm back gang... still under the weather (and so freakin' tried it's not even funny since I only can manage about 3 hours of sleep a night before my sinuses fill up with snot and I simultaneously drown while my eyeballs explode from their sockets) but I'm getting a little skip back in my step.

A big shout out to the person from way over yonder in India for googling "I eat my sister passy every night" and finding me. Did you mean passy? C'mon dude, that's nasty either way.

Anywhos- I got a jury summons for the week that I have my final exams (because I'm so talented like that). This is one fabulous time to know my father and all his connections at the court house since he volunteered to get me out of serving. You'd think they would cut me a little slack considering that time they MADE me have jury duty twice in a little over a month. Frick on a stick, yo!

On a completely unrelated to anything note: Every time I watch Go, Deigo Go! and they sing vamos, Diego vamos! I have to sing vomit, Diego vomit! It was bad enough Jennifer got me singing backfat in place of backpack on Dora, and now this.

Apparently, people want to know my mood trigger from the other day. Do you really want to know? Really? Fine then... an 8 year old girl needed a kidney and her parents made a flyer and some random lady picked up said flyer and the little girl was soooo cute that random lady just had to see if she was a match and shonuff she was a perfect match and random lady gave cute kid a kidney out of the goodness of her heart- her heart people! It made me want to hurl. And hurl things at people, because we all know this is crap and not how shit goes down in the real world. A flyer, huh? Let me dress Big J up in a pink hair bow and a My Pretty Pony robe and coach him on how to look sad yet full of life and I can pimp his mug all over town and SOME kind random person will say, "Take my kidneys- all of them- I need them not, Sir Jeffrey! For you are so cute I must give you ALL my internal organs!!!! How fortuitous that your wife made a flyer for you!"

It makes me a little crunchy, k? May I have that emesis bucket? Barf. Thanks.

Told you that you'd be doing the pointy-finger-going-in-circles-at-your-temple-pointing-out-a-crazy-person thing.

That about wraps up everything you missed here my peeps. Well, all the really important stuff anyway- *wink*!! I guess it's time to start dragging out my luggage and revise my packing list for a little trip I'm going to take very soon. Oh, what's this trip you say? If I told you it'd take all the fun out of it.

--The Milk Maid hopes her temporary landlords know how to make flyers!
imprinted promotional products


If I Was A Horse You'd Shoot Me

I have the cold from hell. It's by no means as bad as the flu, but for a cold it is HoRrId.

So, please forgive me for making myself sparse over the past few days... I appreciate the emails and the phone calls, but I've been laying as low as possible to rest up and try to get over this pestilence. The couch is calling my name again...

--The Milk Maid says achoo, sniffle, hack-hack.


About As Deep As I Get

I'm feeling better today. I'm feeling normal at least. I could go into a long, wild dissection of "normal" at this point, but I just don't have it in me today.

What I do have in me today is a list of events I've compiled that make me do what I did Saturday (that whole shoe-dropping melt-down thing).

Let's start on Friday night: I was tired, I didn't want to go anywhere after my trip to see Konetta (which wasn't a bad session at all). I needed a shower, I felt ookie, and I was- as previously mentioned- tired. Jef and I had decided earlier to go eat somewhere. I had changed my mind on that idea by this point, plus Ava was bathed and in jammies. Jef didn't get my memo on this. So- we loaded up the family truckster and went to dinner. The food turned out good, the company was great and I ended up enjoying myself. We came home and went to bed. I was exhausted at this point.

Saturday morning: Ava slept until 8:30 which is great! I could have used a little more shut eye, but all was well when I got up. Mostly. I had that nagging almost achy feeling- like I was getting a cold, but with no cold-like symptoms.

I'd like to insert here the word aura. In med-term speak it basically means a premonitory feeling of awareness (usually of a seizure). People who have a history of seizures can usually learn to spot the signs and tell someone right before the seizure happens. Looking back, what I was feeling when I woke up Saturday was an aura of sorts. A premonition of mood change if you will.

I've been paying attention to what throws me into severe shifts of mood, and I have noticed a distinct pattern. When I feel that tired, cranky, crispy, achy nagging feeling then I really need to shied myself from outside sources (or inside sources) that can be my trigger.

What was the trigger on Saturday? The trigger that started that downhill run that landed me in my bathroom floor in tears, unable to think clearly (except for one very clear voice that said You have to get out of this house NOW!).

If I tell you what my trigger was you will either (a) laugh, or (b) suggest I seek professional therapy- lots of it and in a timely manner.

I have no trouble with therapy. I probably need to be on some kind of drug like vitamin Z or L. I have been in the past, and my only problems with the meds are how complacent I feel. I do Ho-Hum worse than I do Looney. Plus there is that whole distrust of docs that I have... But that is another phobia for another day.

Anyways, as soon as I left the house (which took 3 return trips to get things I'd forgotten- like my wallet, my cell phone, and laundry I was going to take to the cleaners) I was fine. It was me and Ava on the road to adventure, albeit mundane adventure. We ran errands, we did chores, we even hit the flea market. And when the day's running was through and we headed back to the humble abode I was completely fine. Still tired, but 98% improved from the morning.

So- hormonal? Stress-induced? Did Konetta free up toxins in my body during the massage and reflexology session that were too much to take all at once? Past demons knocking on my door for a house call? All of that? Something different?

Ready your Dr. Google fingers and self-diagnose at will.

--The Milk Maid says she's deep like a pond today.
alarm system monitoring


Found it!

The other shoe dropped. I feel shitty and depressed again.



Just Another Mish-Mash

It's Friday again peeps- Whooo!

I'm still all peppy and perky, but I've still not fully adjusted to the high that is happiness. I can even drive down the road have some guy pull out in front of me and only manage to yell, "You fart head!".

Could I be losing my edge? No, someone has stolen my cajones. Maybe I'm just getting too old to bark. Perhaps it's because my tax refund hit my account this morning? Who knows...

I have an appointment with Konetta this afternoon. I wonder if this is going to be the shot in the arm I was looking for. Nothing like getting your back rubbed and you hackles raised at the same time. Everyone remembers what she said last time, right?

Hackle makes me think of hyenas. But it should make me think of jackal.

Anywho gang... sorry for the lack of excitement as of late. I will just continue to accept it as a blessing and make the most of it~

~Have a fab weekend!

--The Milk Maid says kiss me goodnight, Eddie!


Because it's my nature. And because it isn't.

For the past week, maybe a little longer than that, I've been feeling particularly... um... how do I say this and not scare the bee-gees out of everyone?

Cheerful? Sunny? Bright, verdent, full of life? Pizzazzy, complete with heel-kick?

I know- it's scary. Where's the snark, Milk Maid? Where's the venom? Has no one been there to piss in your cereal every morning? Awww- poor Milk Maid.

I'm not sure what the change is. I'm not sure what has even brought it all about. I am pretty sure that I don't want to over-analyze it because that would probably pull the plug on my Tub-O-Cheer and I'd go whooshing down the drain (and B would have to come fish me out with a pipe snake).

I was driving down the road this morning (ok, I admit- yesterday morning too. And Monday.) and I was happy. Downright annoyingly jazz-hands peppy. I was thinking about LOVE and BIG J and BABIES and SCHOOL and GOOSHY ROMANCE and VACATIONS and all the while I was singing songs...

You see where this is going? And it's not even Vitamin Z induced. No, I wasn't drinking either (although it was 5 o'clock somewhere).

You ask, "Maid of the Milk, what brought about this change? Did your bitch shoes get too tight?"

I'm still me, rest assured. Because pepper-specked in between those warm fuzzies of puppies and kitties and love and junk was this voice:

Waiting for the other shoe to drop... Aren't you Milk Maid?

Whew-- for a second there, I thought I'd been body-snatched and replaced with a Pod Person.

--The Milk Maid says whatever she wants, then feels all giddy about it.
bathroom faucets

Because I Just Had To...


Milestone- 17 Months

Not really sure where the time has gone...


Happy 17 month "birthday" my Ava!


Home Again!

We got home yesterday around 3... mostly ahead of the storm system that blew across the South East and other parts. We stayed under a tornado watch until 9-ish.

We had a blast on the trip! The girls loved the aquarium and the dinosaur museum we went to. We also got a hotel with a heated pool and everyone enjoyed a little dip. We were so exhausted that we ordered from a steak delivery place and ate at the hotel on Saturday night.

That's pretty much it in a nutshell... Here are a few pics (the ones from the aquarium didn't turn out, so these are Tallulah Gorge, the dino museum and hotel shots):



Ava can now say, "I got it!"


Even when she doesn't always "get it".


What it should say, "Welcome to Tallulah Gorge, a big ol' deep hole your dumb ass will fall into if you don't stay behind this large FENCED ENCLOSURE. We know, we've seen it happen!"


The bottom is down there, somewhere.


You can see parts of the bottom of the canyon from the top, I am told. I wouldn't get too close to the edge, so I guess I will take everyone's word for it.


Mama and the girlies!


Our little hotel- the new home of "SWR" (Sissies World Wrestling)


I think Faith got sucker punched here...


The neighbors loved us, I'm sure!


Big J, scoring some grub for us!


At the dino museum!


Faith under the Apatosaurus.


"Everyone look- mommy is taking a photo!"


"I got it!"


"Dude- like woah"


"Lalalala- can't here mommy- lalalalalala"


Faith in front of the megalodon jaws.


The storm we hit, at the top of Clingman's Dome (near the NC/TN border, going thru the Cherokee National Forrest).


Very bad weather- I was glad to get down the mountain- You could see for miles the day before!


Letter From The Editor, #2

Hello to all my dear blog-fans! From far and wide you have come to worship the Milk Maid with your presence. Ok, perhaps that is a little over the top, but bear with me...

It has come to my attention that one of you out there- and I'm not naming names here- might be related to me.


Oh lordy be, you found me. Tisk tisk.

See, here's the thing: I don't care if you found me. If I did care who was reading this (other than my parents, but that's a completely different ball of wax) then it would be password protected or private and I would have given everyone jazzy names... like say Jef would have been Fabio and Faith could be Manda Lynn, and Ava would be Zork. Zeus, of course, would still be Zeus.

Back to the point at hand... If you are who I think you are (ahem, person from N. Wilkesboro) then HEY!!! I bet you didn't think I'd notice huh? Give a cuz some love- I'm much wiser than I appear. I don't care if you come by every now and again to bask in my brilliance, just keep it discreet- cool? And wear those shades, 'cause it's hella-bright around here!

If you aren't who I think you are, and you are just a friendly passer-by on the blog road, then HEY!!! to you too! You can delurk right here and now and save a relative of mine some snarky looks in the future.

Hey- everyone delurk-- it'll be fun! C'mon, please-- for me? Everybody's doing it (and I know you are there anyway!).

--The Milk Maid says much lurve to my brain trust, yo!
trade show booths

Milk Maid's Friday Mish-Mash

I would like to start off by saying Thank YOU to the person who googled "Sexy Milk Maids" and found me. I would like to follow up with a big I'm Sorry, because I don't think I had exactly what you were looking for here. Oh well!

Happy Friday all...

I say we wrap this week up with a little butcher's paper and some string and store it away in the basement somewhere- whew! I am exhausted, and my excitement is only beginning. Today will consist of packing for TN, getting Mr. Zeus off to the kennel, and remembering to pay a few bills... like the mortgage! Duh- let me not forget that!

I emailed my guidance counselor at school about pursuing my Practical Nursing Degree, and she thought it would be a lovely idea. So, unless I chicken out (totally possible) I will aim my class schedule towards that (along with the phleb-cert). My grants will only pay for one course at a time, but my phleb credits will transfer to the nursing. Ug- I wonder if I'm biting off more than I can chew with this, but I think that about everything. I over-analyze shit. Has anyone noticed? Yeah- probably so.

--The Milk Maid says scoot those beans over, I'm gonna put more on my plate!
gold chain


Q&A, One-Liners, And More

Since no one will allow me to roll around and whine for too long, here is the REAL post for the day:

Let's start with a question or two:

Q. Why does Metamuc*l taste like horse food pellets?
A. ?? Anyone, anyone?

Q2. How do you know what horse food tastes like?
A. It was a DARE!
A Note from Milk Maid:

I hate Valentine's day. It sucks. Even if you are married or partnered or otherwise in lovie-dovie doodoo with someone, it's crappy. I'm sure it stems back from many moons of being an outcast child who had to be the smelly kid's girlfriend for the day JUST SO I could get a card. Sigh.
If I had to write a news letter for Phlebotomists, it would be called "Blood Culture". Of course it would be published in red ink.
I miss Weebles Wobble. I understand why you teeter-tottered into the sunset for a while, but just know that when you/if you open up version 2.0 I wanna be there for the tape-cutting and the grand unveil. (Signed) Waiting patiently, Your adoring fan, A.
We are off on a weekend trip to Tennessee (did I get all the S's and E's in there?) on Saturday morning. Don't worry- I'll take plenty of photos and make you sick with delight. It'll be like having a big honkin' steak dinner THEN eating a whole chocolate cake. With sprinkles. And chocolate sauce.
My mother is obsessed with whether I am wearing socks or not. It's 22 degress today, and if I wanna wear clogs without socks, then dammit- it's MY feet woman.

--The Milk Maid says it would be a lot more fun to be down and out in Beverly Hills.

Glutton for more than punishment apparantly...

Did everyone know I that I am (per the BMI scale) OBESE, Class 1.

Not overweight. Obese.

I'm going to eat a cow to celebrate.


I've Turned Into A Mommy-Photo Blogger... Someone Stop Me!

Here are a few (more) photos of the kiddos and the pup... The are pretty self-explanitory, but let's face it-- commentary is just so much fun.

Faith had school photos today. I always try to take a photo before she leaves the house and compare that to the school photo. Always a surprise! (I don't know why she looks so squinty eyed in this photo... she looked much more chipper in person!)


Ava is a climber. Tables, chairs, over the back of the sofa, stairs, into the toilet-- you name it, she plays Hillary to its Everest.


And now for mama's boy! Mr. Zeus is growing and growing (and eating) (and pooping, but not in the house thank goodess). His ears are looking pretty good, don't ya think?


Maybe he will grow into those ears. Isn't he a handsome fella?! I want to buy him doggie clothes, but Jef said that's kind of weird. I guess I will just use people clothes then!

--The Milk Maid say ooo, weee, schweetz!


Valentines Day Shopping Quiz

This is a Valentine's Day Quiz. Answer honestly and openly, record your answers and tally your points, then look for your finally tally range in the "How Did You Fare" section at the bottom.

1) When your beloved hints to you for something shiny do you...

  • A. Shop long and hard to find a special, although not expensive, piece of jewelry that is from the heart.
  • B. Splurge and buy her that diamond cubic zarconia she always wanted.
  • C. Think to yourself, "Gunmetal is shiney!"

2) You are in the mood for love on the big V-day. Do you...

  • A. Shower, shave, and add just a dab of cologne in all the right places.
  • B. Grab your lover's boobs and yell. "Hot damn, look at the melons!"
  • C. Try your best not to fart during sex.

3) To you foreplay means...

  • A. Candles, champagne, a sensous massage, and all the time your sweetie needs to get ready for the adventure ahead.
  • B. Heavy breathing and heavy petting.
  • C. Taking your clothes off- Most of the way.

4) During lovemaking you are most likely to...

  • A. Attend to her every need, then worry about yourself.
  • B. Make a good run, and apologize heavily when you finish before she does.
  • C. Make a mess and go to sleep.

5) When your lovely describes her Valentine's day to her office mates, she will most likely...

  • A. Scream at anyone who passes by "Look what I got! Look what I got!!"
  • B. Faun over you and the gift you gave her if anyone inquires.
  • C. Waive divorce papers under their nose.


A= 5 points, B= 3 points, C= 1 point

How did you fare?

16+ Points: Look at you go, Romeo! You know how to woo a woman... Keep it up!

6+ Points: Hey, you aren't such a bad catch after all. Maybe you are a little rough around the edges, but you are very loved for who you are.

5 Points: OMG you are my ex-husband!

Turn Of Phrase and Weekend Ketchup

(As I'm trying to reach an item on a shelf in the garage...)

Jef: You know, you can get it a lot faster from behind.
Me: Let me take my pants off!


Faith turned 10 this weekend! We went and ate a seafood lunch (she was at her dad's house), and she got lots and lots of goodies. I'm going to post some pics of her through the years, but I haven't had time to compile and scan them as of yet. Here are a few teaser pictures of her getting her ear pierced. I say "ear" because she got the needle thru one ear lobe, and then chickened out shortly after these shots:



School continues to go well, and I continue to enjoy it! Hopefully, next quarter will bring more of the same. Zeus's doggie class will be over by then, and we are no longer having to drive a long long way to get his ears taped every ten days, so I guess it will all even out.

Konetta is still expecting me to be her Girl Friday for database work, etc. I don't mind doing stuff for her, but it's a very low priority right now. I hate having commitments to something and then blowing them off-- it's a pet peeve of mine-- but sometimes you do all you can, and at the end of the day that's all you've got to give.

If you have not noticed the "new" features on my blog, please take note: At the right, under the archives, is the Deity of the Day from Godchecker. Another fun diversion can be found at the very bottom of the page. A new quote of the day is featured, well- daily.

--The Milk Maid says leave your dermatomycosis behind!
home theater furniture


Jiggly-Ninny Monday

Jef decided to clean the house yesterday.

I would rather be a lint-licker than clean the house, hence its condition yesterday when Jef went all Jazz-Hands on me and started throwing crap away and mopping. He was bagging up clothes for the wash-n-fold (hey, he married a trophy wife, not a domestic goddess!) and he asked me if I had something to wear to class in the morning. Sure I did- I have a whole closet full of clothes, surely some of it will fit and out of what fits perhaps I can bring myself to be seen in public wearing it.

I found pants ok this morning, I found a sweater, I even found clean panties! Yet suddenly, I was engulfed in horrow: There wasn't a bra in sight.

I checked the dryer- nope.

I checked the washer- 3 very wet bras.

I looked under the bed, in the living room, in the bathroom, under the office table (hey- like you don't take them off as soon as you can, right?).

Finally, after thinking I was going to have to resort to duct tape or just let the girls bounce, I found a bra... In the kitchen.

Where is the weirdest place you have ever found missing undies?

--The Milk Maid says duct tape was a viable option.
Mizuno golf


German Coast Guard And More

Considering Jef is 1/2 German, this is especially funny:

This is also very, very funny... so funny in fact that I will start training Faith to speak with a British accent:

Charlie Bit Me

--The Milk Maid says poopiecacadoodoo.

Very Fotogenic Mish-Mash

After checking with the cleaners- and learning it would cost me more than a king size comforter to have Ava dry cleaned- I decided to wear her out yesterday. We went to the micky d's, we went to Target, we went and went and went.

She napped for less than an hour after we got home.

However, after dinner (and after a brief visit from dad that sprung Ava from Crib Hell and her usual bedtime) this occured:



She was originally draped over the arm of the sofa, but gradually slid down down down to the more comfy cushion part.


As you can see, Jef thought he was hot stuff for getting her to sleep. I leave the room for one minute and the kid drops over in her tracks and it's HIS glory. I'll let him keep it.


Of course, this made me feel like this:


Because a sleeping baby means an early bedtime for mama and dada.

--The Milk Maid says she has artifical colors, but is 100% natural flavor.


Try Clean Only?

As I was sacking up Jef's weekly dry cleaning (and as Ava was unbagging it as fast as she possibly could) I wondered to myself...

If I put her in the bag with the dry cleaning will the nice couple who own the cleaners notice? I mean, she really needs a bath, so wouldn't this serve the purpose of tidying her up and freeing up my afternoon for a little study time- maybe even a pedicure?

I can see her now, neatly folded on the heavy duty hanger, spinning around the racks. Her face all shiney and clean, the stubborn odors removed, and perhaps an added sparkle in her eye.

Don't worry, I'll tell them to leave the logo-emblazned plastic coating off.

--The Milk Maid says wakka wakka.


Very Interesting...

I found this today...

The Sex Ratio

...And it was actually quite interesting to read! You take a test, answer a few questions, and your prediction for gender is given to you!

I have NO idea why I would be looking at something like this, but it was kinda neeto, so-- enjoy!

--The Milk Maid says boy- I outta!

The Milk-Induced Coma 300

"aka Holy Hell You Blab A Lot"

Once upon a time there was this girl who, well- she was more of a woman that a girl. She was late 20's with a house and a car and 2 kids and a step-daughter and a husband and a dog, a cat, a llama- well you get the gist. The girl/woman (giman? worl?)... We can call her The Milk Maid, decides to start a blog about her boobs. Well, not in the "hey look at my knockers" kind of way, but in the "I am fortifying my child with ninny-nectar; I shall share with everyone!" kind of way.

One day, The Milk Maid woke up and had comments on her blog. From real people! Ok, so we assume they are real people, because Milk Maid later talked to said commenters on the phone and droids usually do not pull off the Cali-girl accent.

Through the next year, The Milk Maid kept boobin' her kid while having all kinds of adventures and meeting new and exciting friends through her boob-log. Tall people, short people, people who talked funny, people who made her really self-conscious about her accent. Strait people, lesbian people, people who didn't care whether or not they had mayo or mustard or both on their sandwich! The Milk Maid got to be such great friends with lots of these people that she became less and less inhibited. She talked openly about sex and how much she had (and how much she still wanted to have, because quite frankly this Milk Maid character is a nympho or something).

Anywhos, one day the Bitch Shoes came out of Milk Maid's closet and lo and behold-- two of Milk Maid's very bestest friends ever popped out of the woodwork to laugh along with her as she scuffed up the floors of contentment. Everyone wanted more snark... it got to the point to where The Milk Maid started trying to edit Html code with stuff like this:

[begin snark]
I really love birds and sunshine. It makes my heart full of joy!
[end snark]

The Milk Maid made no bones about it- the boob-loggin' was her favorite activity! Where else could she go to release stress she had against her father, her mother, or just whine until B made her get her head out of her ass?... Or write one of her favorite posts ever (a tie with my ranting letter about dad, which you can see if you click "father").

A big thanks to all my blog buddies who have helped to make Milk-Induced Coma possible, and Happy 300th published post to me!

--The Milk Maid says squirt squirt!

wouldn't be right without this: cell phone signal


Happy Cappy?!

Today's Capricorn Horoscope: Feb 05, 2008

You may be hard and cold when it comes to the facts, dear Capricorn. You may come across as tough and rather harsh, but in reality, this is often just a mask to hide your sensitive insides. Perhaps you are actually insecure about what you feel and how you express yourself. People may never know this about you because you are so good at showing only the strong-willed, electric side of your personality. Be careful of being too stingy of yourself with others.

Please get out of my brain Mr. Horrorscope...

--The Milk Maid says bow to the Libra Zebra


Vodka- It's Not For Sissies

Friday night Jef got off work early- not as early as I'd hoped, but nonetheless early. He took me to a local restaurant where we had an entree of prime rib and a few drinks. Well, he had a couple drinks... I had 2 cosmos and 2 appletinis (chant with me now: "Because anything worth doing is worth overdoing!").

Somewhere around my 3rd drink I had to use the ladies room. I can't remember if B called me or if I texted her or maybe I called B... however it was, I had a nice little chat with her.

But this is the part where everything started getting a little fuzzy...

Did I actually pee while on the phone with you B? Or did I say, "Oh I just finished and I'm hiding in the restroom". And did I call you back later that night? And was that when I thought you girls were in the tub? To clarify- they were NOT in the tub when I talked to them. It was a vodka-induced figment of my imagination. (But I could just swear I head splashing!)

And why was my back so sore the next morning... Ooohh, I remember now. Drunk acrobatics. Note to self: You are waaay too old and out of shape for backbends!

--The Milk Maid tied one on! Then she untied it and promtly misplaced it!


The "Where Are We Going, And Why Am I In This Handbasket?" Friday Mish-Mash

Does any one else watch Hell's Kitchen? Does anyone find Gordon Ramsey attractive besides me? Sure, he needs a little forehead botox, but dont we all? A sexy chef with an accent and a temper-- hot y'all, hot!

In other news, the "Great Baby Talks of 2008**" has started up again.

**To my dearest underfertile/infertile friends... this is me asking you, especially if you are having a sensitive moment right now and want to eat my ovaries much like zombies would eat brains, to please refrain from reading the next paragraph and scroll down to where the RED WRITING is... that's where we can pick up, okie dokie? See you in a few...

Between Jef's friend Matt and his wife having a baby yesterday (the mostest cutest smallest sweetest babyiest boy named Brady- oh wee, oh weeweewee) and Jef sending me a picture of said cuteness AS I WAS READING the fabulous blog of RaJen which had preggie belly pics and baby clothes and blankies and... well, it was the kind of day where I truly felt like shaving all the hair off my body from the neck down, throwing on something that could be described as "sexy" and "see thru", and have Jef find me waiting at the door- hair tossled, slutty eye makeup perfectly applied, holding a Cosmo in one hand and a bottle of KY in the other.

That's how they make babies in the movies right?

For the rest of us who have to call and make an appointment and arrange for the Stork Express to carry us to our final destination, that's all pretty much a silly little fantasy. Anyway, the Stork's line was busy when I called... I took that as an omen to pass instead of play for a little while longer. Oh, that and the whole "I should probably mention this to Jef" thing. Which I totally would have... honest!

Ok- were back friends!

I have 2 Med Term tests next week- Monday and Wednesday. I'm actually feeling pretty confidant already! After those tests we move into male and female anatomical terms... Bring it, yo!

My Big J is getting off work early (we hope, we hope) to take me to dinner at the restaurant where we had our 1st date. I'm totally excited... I can't wait to have him all to myself for a few hours.

Zeus refrained from eating anyone at class last night. He is doing really great, and I will try to get a new picture up of him soon... he's growing up so fast!

I hope everyone has a nice weekend!

--The Milk Maid says you can't make a race horse out of a pig, but you can make a really fast pig!

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