My boobs were my tools of the trade for almost 20 months.

Once my youngest daughter weaned herself from the Magical Boob Juice, the fun really began!

(And by fun we all know I mean chaos!)

Pull up a chair, sit a while, read a few pages.

Keep and open mind and a joyful heart and you too can get pumped into the world of The Milk Maid.


B Is For Bull Crap

I went on Tuesday to see my old pal Konetta for a massage. Apparently, I had a massive knot in my back- strategically placed over one of my kidneys*- and Konetta totally flipped out on me. The knot was HUGE, she said. The knot was the shape and size of a sausage! I reminded her she was a vegan and inquired just how the hell she knew what a sausage looked like. Her reply was to POKE and PROD and RUB the SHIT out of my back. I am bruised. I am sore. I'm still whining about it, oh yes I am. That was the least relaxing massage I've ever had.

Konetta told me something that really rubbed me the wrong way (as she was rubbing me the wrong way- literally). We talk about everything as I've known her for nearly 10 years. I mentioned to her my desire for another kid and she said (paraphrasing) "You have enough chaos in your life, plus your husband could die or be really sick for a long time so why would you want to do that?!".

Dumbfounded, I choked back the tears and changed the subject.

Ok sure, all of the above is true- technically. But it doesn't mean I want to HEAR it. It doesn't mean I have to believe it. It doesn't even mean I have to listen to it! I still have a small part of my being that really believes (or thinks I believe or wants to believe or something) that Jef doesn't have kidney disease and the doctors are wrong and stupid and I am perfectly right in my belief that they should be drug out and shot in the streets.

Aren't your friends supposed to pick you up when you are down? Aren't they supposed to help smooth it all over when they can and not make it worse? Unless you are totally in denial then you need that smack in the face. Fuck- am I totally in denial?

To top that off, I went yesterday to buy a car for Jef. He'd seen a car he liked, the price was good, and if all looked great in person then I had a check in hand and was going to bring the car home. But I was told by a dick-weed salesman when I inquired about the final price that "Well hunny I will need to talk to your husband about that".

:::Channeling my inner Latina, one hand on hip- shaking other finger:::

"Oh no he didn't!"

Amazingly, I didn't kill this man. No the best way to get even with this c-sucking mudder fruckin neanderthal relic from 1952 my "purdy little lady" is for me to give out his personal cell phone number to all my friends and anyone else on the wide wide web that needs to fill a void in their life by harassing a jackass for fun! If you want it- email me! Yes, I am delightfully evil.

Needless to say, we didn't buy the car. We actually found another car Jef wants to go see this weekend. Perhaps it was all for the best.

*Finally to my side note: As it turns out, I tend to internalize a lot of stuff, especially when it comes to my Big J. He hurt his shoulder a while back, then mine hurt for a while too. There are tons of instances like this. I assumed when I got kidney stones that it was my way of internalizing his kidney problems. I still believe that, but now I keep adding to my list of kidney related stuff. Like the sausage knot. Konetta also was worried that I have parasites. She said everyone does, but she thinks mine are out of control. Great, sausagie and maggotty and wormy. That's mmm mmm good!

--The Milk Maid says yabba dabba is now yo gabba gabba!

Platform beds, is that like platform shoes?


B said...

No, B is for your good buddy B!!! Maybe Konetta smoked some weird herbs or something..noone in their right mind would say something like that to you. I'm here if ya need me, but then you know that.

B (for bud)

Ethansmama said...

MM, I think Konetta, while a good friend, might not totally understand who you are. Does she not know that you are strong and can handle anything that life throws at you with grace and humor, and maybe just a touch of bitchiness!??? Please tell me why you did NOT go off on that guy, that is so out of character for you! It might have helped relieve some tension!

Deena said...

Damn, girl, you got all kind of shees going on at your house!

I would try not to let what Konetta said bother you...she doesn't know you well enough to be saying that sort of thing. She sounds like a woman who looks at the negative side of life. And we need to be surrounded by the positive energy such as Big J.

I'm sorry A! Hang in there girl.

Michell said...

Ok, I think I would have went off on the car salesman. But instead maybe you should do a Julia Roberts thing from Pretty Woman and drive into the car lot in new car and tell him what an idiot he was. Or maybe his manager. As far as what Konetta said, yes some people think, feel and operate like that. However my feeling is that you can sit around waiting for the bad to happen in life or you can live life and roll with whatever comes your way as it happens. If you want another baby then have another baby. You can do it. Oh and the parasites thing, Yuck. I had a friend a few years ago who thought the same thing and it's a really gross thought. If I have critters I'd rather not know.

Kathy said...

O NO HE DI INT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Head spinning....finger waving....

And maybe we can limit the snausage talk to a minimum? Thanks. :-)

kittenroar5 said...

Put on the bitch shoes and kick her ass. You are in charge of your life. Period.

Marcy "meg" said...

Konetta probably should have kept her thoughts to herself.... you are a strong woman and like ethansmama said you can handle anything life throws at you. You can't sit and worry about what "may" come of things.

And that car salesman dude... I am surprised you didn't kick him with those shoes!!!