My boobs were my tools of the trade for almost 20 months.

Once my youngest daughter weaned herself from the Magical Boob Juice, the fun really began!

(And by fun we all know I mean chaos!)

Pull up a chair, sit a while, read a few pages.

Keep and open mind and a joyful heart and you too can get pumped into the world of The Milk Maid.


The Latest Game Show

:::Peppy Music Plays (reminiscent of Price Is Right theme song):::

Announcer (totally overacting, probably a drama school dropout): Welcome to "Price of the Family Wheel in Jeopardy Feud". Today's contestant is a 28 year old stay at home mother of two we call Mama. Come on down Mama to meet Droo Hairy, America's favorite game show host!

Mama (looking very happy in clean and pressed clothes, tastefully done makeup, and freshly shampooed hair): Thanks for having me on the show Droo!

Droo: Welcome Mama! Let's get right into our first game... The Dinner Dash! The object of this game is to go to your sparsely stocked fridge and cupboard and fix dinner in less than 30 minutes for a family of four using only 5 ingredients! Ready, set, GO fix that dinner!!

Mama (running): Let's see Droo- we have stale bread, Cheerios, ummm I think this is ground beef, a soggy bell pepper and cocktail sauce. (Mom starts chopping, mashing and mixing ingredients, the crowd cheers, sound of an oven door slamming shut). TIME!

Droo: My gosh Mama, did you make mini-meat loafs? Incredible!!


Mama (blushing): Oh, that wasn't too hard to throw together Droo.

Droo: Ok, let's move right into the next game Mama... The Missing Binki Marathon! Mama, you will have to find baby Junior's missing passy before time is up... Out there, in that swamp of clabbored milk, pee-soaked diapers, and baby vomit is The Golden Passy. The Binki must be sanitized before returning it to baby Junior. Ready, set, GO get that Binki!

Mama (holding nose): My goodness Droo this milk is totally clabbored! Do you think this is what made baby Junior so nauseated to begin with? Holy cow! (Mama tosses on rubber boots and yellow kitchen gloves from her handbag and plods forth into the ooze, she bends at the waist and is elbow deep in the mix). Aaa-haaa... I found it!!! This thing is filthy Droo, I can't give this to Junior!

:::Junior cries with a sound reminiscent of cat being gutted with fishing knife:::

Droo: Aww, Mama- you made baby Junior CRY!

Mama (thinking fast): There is only one way to know this Binki will be clean! (Mama holds breath, shakes excess goo off passy, wipes passy on shirt tail, then licks passy clean). There! (Pops Binki in baby Junior's mouth).

Droo (gagging, completely green): Oh good job Mama! You win!!

Mama: Hell yeah I won Droo! Time for the celebration dance (Mama mimics Dora The Explorer's "We did it!" dance).

Announcer: And now for a word from our sponsors!...


Droo: We're back! Now for your final challenge Mama...

:::Music blares from the speakers in the studio- Lights swirl and a spot shines directly onto Mama- Crowd roars with excitement:::

Droo: Your challenge Mama is to go to The Price of The Family Wheel in Jeopardy Feud Mall. In under 15 minutes you need to complete the obstacle course we've laid out for you. It includes 2 department store sales in which you must buy clothing for your husband and children while only guessing at their size, avoid 4 rude clerks, 3 perfume spritzers, and 2 candy stores with goodies in easy reach. Your stroller has a squeaky wheel that veers off to the left at random intervals, you're drinking a rocket-hot cup of $7 coffee, you have in tow a cranky toddler who hasn't napped, a whiny pre-teen that refuses to walk, AND a skinny model to follow you and constantly remind you that your shoes don't match your outfit!

Mama: That all you got Droo? Bring it!

Droo: Ready, set, GO shopping!

Mama (careening through store, dragging lazy pre-teen into stroller with toddler, toddler punches pre-teen in the nose, pre-teen whines, Mama trudges on): Both of you stop it right now or I'm calling your daddy!

Droo: Woah! Mama is in total control here, but I worry that using the "I'll call your daddy!" line this early might cost some her some time later on though. Oh my gosh! (crowd gasps) Did you see that?! Mama pushed the first perfume spritzer into the other two and they fell into a discount shoe bin!

Mama (sneezes once, regains composure, throws a wicked knife-hand into model's throat): Get over yourself model bitch... And eat some solid food you whore!

Droo: Oohhh, a little foul language will add :35 seconds to Mama's time, but with the pace she is making through the store I doubt it will matter!

Mama: Oh no! The Candy Isles!!! (Mama spills molten coffee onto her blouse and it splashes down her pants) Shiiii-takkie mushrooms!

Droo: A small penalty for spilling the latte, but Mama earns bonus points for her creative use of the word Shitake!

Mama: Almost there, almost there! (Mama now sports hair that's disheveled, dirty clothes and raccoon eyes from smeared eye makeup).

Droo: Mama, you've made it through all the stores and managed to guess correctly at everyone's size, you avoided the rude clerks, toppled the spritzers, tamed the children AND taken care of the model! Now all you have to do is stay on course through 2 more winding isles and open the door at the end!

Mama (gasping): Get outta my waaaaay!

Droo: Mama continues careening through the store at break-neck pace. Ooohhh- The stroller went up on 2 wheels around that last sharp turn, but luckily the toddler was fastened in and the pre-teen hangs on!

::: Deafening sound of crowd cheering as Mama approaches a door marked "Prize" :::

Mama (lets stroller coast to a halt as she chugs the last of the coffee, totally spent she reaches for the door knob to claim her prize)

:: Sound of door knob clicking :::

Husband: What's for dinner? Have you done anything besides shop today? Why are the kids so cranky? Why do you look so tired?

Mama: (Punches husband in gut, kicks Droo in nads) Frick on a stick!

Droo (in fetal position on the floor): Tune in next week when it's Dad's turn to use the carpet steamer.


B said...

You're a nut! I almost peed myself. HA HA HA...whew!!! I needed that!

Marcy "meg" said...

That was goooooooooood :)

Ethansmama said...

You always know how to crack me up. Funny thing is, I could so see most of that actually happening to you!

Michell said...

Spare time on your hands today? Or are the kiddies driving you nuts? Very funny though. And Ethan's mama is right, I could see that happening to you too.

kittenroar5 said...

Ooh ooh oooh! The binky cleaning method rocks!

Kathy said...

Now you've done it. You actually made me GLAD to not have kids to tote around this lovely holiday. How the hell did you do that???

You are very talented.

twondra said...

Sooooo funny!! You're so cute!

Anonymous said...