Dearest Father,
I know that I keep a messy house on the best of days. In case you have forgotten, I have a husband, a 9 year old daughter, a 10 month old daughter, and a cat. Sometimes the clutter goes unnoticed and the fallout of a day's adventures goes without being picked up. You do not need to barge in, unannounced, and voice this to me when I am already having one hell of a day.
Let me remind you that you do not live here, nor do you pay the mortgage or any other bills at this residence. May I also remind you that since I am your only child I will be the only say-so in choosing what nursing home you will live out the rest of your days in. Furthermore, and this should go without saying, you do occasionally use my home as a hideout from my mother. I will tell her were you are. I will tell her you come here to hide from her, drink alcohol whilst on my premises, and that you say "dammit" when she calls you on your cell phone to make you come home.
With all this said, I do love you dearly father. You have been a marvelous person and caregiver 98% of the time that I have known you. You've never failed to give me your all and bend over backwards for me. Ask anyone, they know I am truly a "daddy's girl"!
But your "my way or the highway" attitude sucks. And you seem to piss me off on a more and more frequent basis these days. I no longer live under your roof. I am bigger than you, stronger than you, younger than you, and I am trained in martial arts. I am an independent woman. I'm in a GANG for cripes sakes. Do not make me shank you.
Please heed this warning to be on your best behavior when on my property. Jef is looking for an excuse to move us to the Yukon Territory or a deserted island or some other location that even the best, most sensitive navigation system will never find if you continue to cause me strive. When I'm pissed at you, he must face my wrath. Snarky does not cut it with Jef. If he blows his top you will be labeled by news media everywhere as collateral damage.
This letter constitutes as your fair warning.
With love,
Your Daughter
14 comments:
Say the word MM, and me and some of the girls will take your dad on a little "trip" to the beach. We'll tie concrete blocks on his feet, and take him for a "swim" in the gulf.
Bad day with Dad?? I am with B. we could have a little talk with him.
i've got a couple letters for you to write for me...
I've told my parents the same thing about nursing homes (the old fucker farm as I call it). They know that my sister will never be responsible enough to care for them when they're old..I think that's why they are starting to be nicer to me.
B- did you ever watch the Golden Girls? I keep telling my mom "Shady Pines Ma!".
They keep this up and I'm putting them in the same room!
: ) I loved that show! Blanche was my fav (the old hoochie).
Wow, umm did you give him the letter?? I would. You are too funny. I have a letter to write to my m-i-l. you could help with that!
Oh no- I didn't give him the letter. It served its purpose here, and I'm better. This was a late yesterday incedent and we're over it- mostly.
Evil cake people! If I had a cake pan I'd be baking right now. Hehe!
You are HILARIOUS! I need a letter just like that for my mom...only I think I'd really NEED to give it to her!!!! :) Wanna help write it? She's a control freak and LOVES to come into our house and take over!!!!! Aaarrrggghhhh! You go Girl!
oh good letter! And you should start a business... cause I too have some letters I need some help with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LMAO!! Your posse is behind you, dear. Say the word and we will, as Michell said, "have a little talk with him".
I'm totally borrowing B's term, "the old fucker farm". Wait until I drop that bomb at my next visit.
Love Golden Girls too. Rose is my fav.
I think the gang needs a cookie... one day of dieting and you've turned mobsters. Dads are great, eh?
Good words.
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