I woke up shouting my mantra of "It's gonna be a better day, dammit!".
I went to the mall with my mom and got a makeover and nearly $300 worth of new makeup and skin care courtesy of mom as an early x-mas gift.
I look fabulous. Shiney eye makeup, glowing skin from a new radiant foundation. I have cheek bones too!
But I still feel like shit.
I am having pangs of guilt over leaving Ava for Jef's holiday party. At the same time I am feeling like a complete idiot for feeling guilty. I can't win this fight- I'm a loser either way I turn. It's not like it's a big deal to let a 15 month old spend the night with her grandparents. But what if...
Oh save me from the what ifs!
I went to the mail box a bit ago, because after yesterday I completely forgot that mundane chore. What do I find?... A chronic kidney disease eating guide for the holidays addressed to Big J. Knowing better, I read it anyway. Look out below as I plummet to those depths again.
It definitely doesn't pay for me to wear makeup. Tears always smear the mascara.
I'm tired of being in This Place that I keep coming back to. It feels like every hope and dream and plan we have had together gets crushed in This Place. I have been really good at staying away from the doldrums. I actually thought to myself last week, "Hey self- you have been upbeat an in control of yourself lately- Good job!!"
And that was all the permission my mind needed to go berserk again.
--The Milk Maid is going to sulk in a corner for a while.
At least I have a neat closed captioning deal to insert here.
11/29/07
Mixed Bag
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9 comments:
Yuck and double yuck. So sorry for the yucky day.
Try not to feel guilty about leaving Ava... I can understand how you would... but you and Jef will probably enjoy a night out!!!
Email me today if you want to chat.
Oh and we need a picture of that beautiful makeup!
I tried to post a very long comment, but blogger ate it. Here's the gist of it. Buck up little camper! Big J is going to be fine..your mom isn't going to eat Ava (i hope) during one overnight visit..and you can't fall apart because I need you to be strong in December for me. Yes, I'm selfish. But I love ya!
A~
I'm sorry...do you want to get drunk? That might make you feel better for a little bit.
Seriously, I know dealing with this must be very upsetting for you. I wish I could make it better...
Ava will be fine w G-Ma. If G-Ma tries to eat her Ava will probably bite her back!
Leaving your baby overnight is a big deal and not easy. I left Doran with people I trust pretty much more than anyone, and it was still tough. But it was worth it. And I've done it again since. You and Jef deserve a night out with no worries about what time to be home.
I'm sorry you're having a down day. I know the feeling of coming back to "This Place" all too well. One day we'll leave and never return. Maybe we'll even do it together.
Love ya, hun.
Oh honey. You can leave Ava with us, and I return almost as the same as I found her.
Makeup? Can I have some makeup?
What is it with us women and guilt. It's like our mothers teach us and it is so ingrained that we should feel guilty about not being perfect. I'm sorry it was a bad day but new make up is good. Hang in there and Ava will be fine with grandma and you will be so much better with a night with your honey all to yourself.
I'm so sorry you're having a bad day. As you know, I completely understand about what you're going through and it's scary and so lonely. Jef will be fine. :) Hang in there.
I'm always here...e-mail anytime sweetie.
What is your neat closed captioning deal?
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