My boobs were my tools of the trade for almost 20 months.

Once my youngest daughter weaned herself from the Magical Boob Juice, the fun really began!

(And by fun we all know I mean chaos!)

Pull up a chair, sit a while, read a few pages.

Keep and open mind and a joyful heart and you too can get pumped into the world of The Milk Maid.


I Would Have Written Sooner...

But my cooch has been on fire. I have a yeast infection. And I really wondered, shall I blog this? Nothing has been taboo so far...

After last weeks sexcapades (Thurs-Fri-Sat) I started to feel a burning in my loins. Well, maybe not loins, but close by. I thought it was desire! Lo and behold, it was yeast a brewin'. I bought $22 worth of Mon*stat Monday morning. As I sit, naked, perched atop my toilet reading the instructions I wonder to myself WHY does the creme and goose egg (more on the goose egg in a few) that I am about to shove up my toot require a note on the directions that it "may cause itching and burning"?? WTF! I'm trying to prevent itching and burning. I buck up, take the odd-shaped plunger do-hickey and shove a "soft pill" the size of a daggum goose egg up my tutu. I take the small tube of creme, apply to areas as needed, and start a dance that can only be described as the "uhhmegawsh that's burning my thang" dance.

I decided to look for holistic cures, because I am a fan of the natural methods of wellness (and I felt like some big, fat CEO man was laughing at my angst of paying $22 for something that didn't help me!). The top recommendations were: Take yogurt with live cultures, place into a tampon applicator, freeze, and insert. I could only imagine me walking into TCBY and asking the young, pimple-faced boy to "fill this" please as I presented Playtex's finest pink applicator. Ok, so the next suggestion was take a peeled garlic clove... did you just cringe cause I did... and shove it in your minge. Yep. Think about it. You done? You're gonna smell like shrimp scampi.

Knowing that I had a doctor's appointment at the gyno today, I toughed out my situation as best I could. Basically, I've washed and blown dry down there and gone sans undergarments since Tuesday. You'd think I was a card carrying member of the Kojack Commandos just like Britney Spears.

At the doc's office today Dr. Karin promptly speculumed my tender bits and proceeded to describe my yeastie condition as a "classic" yeast infection. And then commanded her two assistants to LOOK at the yeast. All I could think of was K's blog on the Tutu show. I will forevermore keep tickets on my person at all times for just such an occasion.

Oh, you think we're done? No... I must tell you how much a doc's Rx for twat-creme is running these days. $54.55! And my insurance saved me $34.12. I was seriously wondering to myself, "Is my hooch really in that bad of shape? $55 bucks!! I could go to Wal-Mart with that cash!".

I bought the creme. I am glad I did. I feel like inserting a bread making joke here, but I think it would just be too much.

--The Milk Maid is so not into baking.


kittenroar5 said...

Oh no, that wouldn't be over the top. By all means, keep going. And, sorry about the tu-tu show. I'll be having my own tomorrow, so I'll be thinking of you. Wait. That's weird. Scratch that. No, don't scratch it. It'll probably burn.

Supermom said...

been there had that. I felt like taking that round bristle hairbrush and scratching to death. I also tried the goose egg route, at night so it didn't fall back out. Yuck. I finally went to the Dr and demanded the the 2 pills that would kill just about anything in there. No cream necessary!

Milk Maid said...

Only a bristle brush... I was thinking more along the lines of metal bristeled grill scrubber...

K- I thought of you today, so maybe think of me and it will cancel out the weirdness of it all. Very surreal, how ever you scoot across the carpet on it. :)

Marcy "meg" said...

Ouch... I had one of those once in my life and it WAS NOT fun. I was on a basketball trip in college, matter of fact, so that made it even worse. I was traveling to Michigan for a game and I got one right before the team was leaving... too much sex I guess before I left or something :) Well I hope you are feeling better!

B said...

You girls and your potty mouths! Milk Maid, I don't know that outside of literotica..that i've ever heard someone mention their cookie so many times! : ) I hope your "thang" isn't burning the expensive cookie cream cooling it off?

Marcy "meg" said... is it? Ready for more weekend fun?

Michell said...

Holy shit, cream, why didn't they give you diflucan??? I'm sorry to admit that I got a pretty good laugh out of this. Sorry it's been so uncomfortable though. I like the idea for yogurt tampons and scampi twat.