My boobs were my tools of the trade for almost 20 months.

Once my youngest daughter weaned herself from the Magical Boob Juice, the fun really began!

(And by fun we all know I mean chaos!)

Pull up a chair, sit a while, read a few pages.

Keep and open mind and a joyful heart and you too can get pumped into the world of The Milk Maid.


Just Another Friday Mish-Mash

For as long as I can remember children have always seemed to come out of the blue to talk to me. I could be shopping or reading a book at the park or even in the middle of a store that caters to adults in the mall (like Teavana- yum!) and some small person with big eyes and lots to chat about will find me. I don't know if I just have a friendly face or perhaps it is because I look motherly or what it is that attracts these children to me. It could very well be that I have a disproportionately large head and the kids think I'm some cartoon character come to life. Whatever the reason is, I can promise you that where ever I go, they will find me.
A prime example is today at a local fast food joint we shall call Chick-Fil-$. I take Ava to the playground and not 45 seconds later here comes a tiny little girl with painted finger and toe nails, glossy green sandals, a fantastically white outfit that is embroidered with red flowers, and a 4 pound red bow clipped into her hair at such an angle I thought surely it must be a struggle for her to walk without listing to one side.
The first thought that ran through my mind as Over-Coiffed Tiny Girl made her entrance to the play area was Oh shit... I'm going to have to talk to this kid.
I'll be honest here- I have no desire to spend an hour making small talk with a pint-sized peewee. I have learned from vast experience that I just don't have that much in common with a 3 year old (sans the occasional temper tantrum). I'm anti-social with adults on the best days, and with strange children well- you can imagine how this all went down right?....
Over-Coiffed Tiny Girl (bursting into the room): Hi!!! My name is Anna Kate Gracie*, but you can call me Anna Kate.
Me (in my signature monotone style): Why not Gracie?
OCTG: Oh because my mother and grandmother's names are Gracie and it would be very hard to know WHO we were talking to.
Me: So I guess it is good you have lots of other first names then.
OCTG: We saw "Horton And A Who" today. It was really funny because they had this flower and they played with it and Horton And a Who was an elephant!!
Me (sipping tea, eyeballing the kid warily): Neeto.
OCTG (relentless): My mom is really smart. She took me to her work one day and let me draw a picture for her. My mom is really smart.
Me (starting to get antsy): Where is your mom?
OCTG: She's right outside (yelling) MOM MOM MOM HEY HEY HEY MOM! There's my mom. She's smart. And that is her friend Miss Olga, she smells pretty.
Me: (fakes a smile, wishing for Ava to climb down from the top of the slide area and save me!) Ohhh.
OCTG: Your kid is small. How old is she? Can she talk? Why does she scream so loud? Can you make her stop screaming? She's really loud. What is her name? What is her middle name? What is her third name?
Me: You mean last name?
OCTG (looking at me like I am the most stupid person on earth): Nooooo- her THIRD name!
Me: Oh look at the time! Bye!
*I swear I couldn't make that up if I tried
--The Milk Maid says my ears, my ears- someone save my ears!


B said...

bahaha! I have heard that monotone of yours, she probably just didn't catch on to the "get the fuck away from me" vibe. : ) You know you like kids mean time! Are you sure you're not premenstrual again? :::looking closely at milk maid:::::

Deena said...

That's funny!
She didn't get the hint did she? (The go away hint...)

I love chic fil $

my cowgirl alter-ego said...

You be nice to strange babies!!! Even heavily coiffed ones!

PS.. Do you notice that it was GIRL that spoke with you???

twondra said...

That's funny. :) Can't believe she didn't get the hint. :)

Anonymous said...

Uuuugh. That would completely kill me.

Michell said...

Oh my god, how funny. Kids that age just don't get that "go the fuck away" tone do they.

Marcy "meg" said...

The visual of that bow had me cracking up. Pretty funny stuff!

Michelle said...

HAHAHA!! Oh my....your poor ears..!!

singletracey said...

Im a little behind and just caught the friday mish mash! HAHAHHAH I can picture it PERFECTLY ...heeheee

Becky said...


I don't know you, but the mental picture is f*cking priceless.

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