My boobs were my tools of the trade for almost 20 months.

Once my youngest daughter weaned herself from the Magical Boob Juice, the fun really began!

(And by fun we all know I mean chaos!)

Pull up a chair, sit a while, read a few pages.

Keep and open mind and a joyful heart and you too can get pumped into the world of The Milk Maid.


4/8/08

The Soggy Butt Blues

It has come to my recent attention (from my wonderful new lurker friend "HellTygr") that a Public Service Announcement needs to be made about a topic ALL of us ladies are familiar with...

The Oft Misused Method of "The Hover" In Public Restrooms.
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You know what I am talking about right? For sake of keeping your rump germ free in a public restroom, many women employ The Hover Technique. If you have lived on Mars for the past 455 years and are unfamiliar with this method of sanitary protection, the basic concept is to drop your pants and panties to Beyond Knee Range, spread your feet to ensure a steady stance (and keep said pants and panties to Above Ankle Range, aka Dirty Wet Clothing Range) then curl yourself into a position much akin to a downhill skier's tuck while you levitate over the dirty, nasty, filthy, slimy toilet seat.
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As far as keeping germ-free, this method can have its merits. However, as HellTygr points out in her e-mail, this method is not for people who lack aim. Women of the world, take note: We do NOT have the equipment to aim a stream of urine hurling from our bodies anywhere (exception being if we are in the woods taking a leak we will successfully wet our socks 100% of the time).
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Now, if you are a user of The Hover Method let me go ahead and apologise. No, on second thought I think all you hover-ers should apologise to ME seeing as how I sat in a rather large spatter of sprinkle this very morning! I even looked carefully at the seat before perching atop, so I'm sure that who ever was out there peeing on toilet seats in Atlanta this morning is well hydrated. I will go on the assumption pointed out to me by HellTygr that there are just some women out there who "feel the need to get revenge on the world in a situation where they no longer have to clean up after themselves".
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I suppose the moral of this story could be based on the old Proverb:
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If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweet and wipe the seat.
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Or, perhaps the moral of the story could be this newer and perhaps more appropriate Proverb:
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You wont be touching your face with your ass anytime soon,
so sit down and take a load off- it's called a restroom after all!
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--The Milk Maid says sprinkle te tinkle te tuutuu!

5 comments:

Becky said...

I never realize that I'm a victim of a drive by hoverer until I'm sitting on it and feeling squishy and disgusting.

babybound said...

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Thank's MM.

Marcy "meg" said...

We had to do the hover method all day today while traveling!!!

Michell said...

LOL!! And I agree!! I have never been able to manage the hover well without peeing in the wrong place etc and it drives me nuts to sit in wet because some other woman thought her butt was too clean for that toilet. For gods sake it's your ass, sit it down. If we were meant to pee standing up we would have been given penises.

B said...

ewww! I hate when women do that. If you piss on the seat, wipe the shit off before you flush!!! Speaking of shit..what about when they leave THAT in the toilet and don't flush? Now that is disgusting!!!!!