My boobs were my tools of the trade for almost 20 months.

Once my youngest daughter weaned herself from the Magical Boob Juice, the fun really began!

(And by fun we all know I mean chaos!)

Pull up a chair, sit a while, read a few pages.

Keep and open mind and a joyful heart and you too can get pumped into the world of The Milk Maid.


Friday Mish-Mash, She's Come Undone

Faith came down the steps from her room in a huff.

"The shoes don't fit my feeeeeet!" she wailed as she flopped her extremities like a breathless bass on a dock.

I informed her that those were the only pair of shoes here that fit her, and that she had let the insane person who lives next door my mother confiscate her clogs (mother feels that clogs are evil, yet she has bought Faith 3 pair of them in the past 6 months). I asked Faith to "wear the shoes to school for 30 minutes- only 30 minutes!". I promised to bring her a different pair once my mother had gotten out of bed. Seeing as how I am one to let sleeping parents lie, I wasn't about to blast her out of bed at 7:15am.

Faith looked at me like I had asked her to gnaw her own arm off, place the severed limb in her teeth, and then dance in circles singing Polly Waddle Doodle All The Day.

Having been through many a morning crisis, I knew that tears were imminent. The feeling of a 10 year old girl having a morning melt down is akin to a tornado brewing and the smell of ozone rising in the air. Wait for it... Wait for it...

"I (sobsobsob) kuuu-haaant (sobsobsob) POSSIBLY (wail whine sobsobsob) wear (sob) these shooooooooooze (high pitched keen).... (sobsobsob) they are (huffandpuff) touching my FEET!!!"

I looked at my hands to see if my eyeballs had fallen out of my skull. They hadn't. I waited for my head to explode like a rocket off of my shoulders. It didn't. I looked at Faith like she was the most irrational human being on the face of the planet. She was.

I calmly called and woke my mother up and got Faith a pair of shoes- that didn't touch her feet!- to wear for the day. Faith snubbed all the way to school (that's when you are crying and you keep sucking in air trying to stop crying but you cant so your suck in air and try to stop crying but you cant so you...).

--The Milk Maid says the shoooooze are touching my feeeeeeeeeeet!

(Maybe I can make a movie of this and pass out Blockbuster coupons to all my peeps!)


B said...

I am SO freaking glad that the MC was a ManChild and NOT a girl. I have no idea what I would have done with a Faith!

Aunt Becky said...

Oh Faith sounds like Ben. He's quite the dramatic one...


Wonder where he gets it...? DON'T ANSWER THAT MILK-MAID!

AB said...

OMG!!! It still goes on at 10! Please tell me this only goes for girls and not boys??!!!!

Deena said...

In Texas we call that Monkey crying.

Marcy "meg" said...

:) Okay I had to laugh at this....but don't tell Faith! :) Just wait... she is almost to those preteen years!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh, girl, that was absolutely hilarious!

Michell said...

She does sound like a bit of a drama queen. Glad you all made it through the morning ok.

Anonymous said...

Umm. I'm confused. I usually put shoes on my feet. Does Faith have a better idea? Perhaps knees are more comfortable??

twondra said...

Awww, poor Faith. I have to admit that I laughed too. :) I feel for her though!

Michelle said...

I love the way you tell your stories! I cand just picture it all so clear and I had quite a laugh.