B's Fave Commercial

Here's the Orbit Gum commercial B was talking about...



Enjoy!

A Little Heave, Ho!

I wish you could hear the excitement spewing out of me right now! You would be all, "Damn this chick is perky today- wow!"

Basically, The Ho got heaved... Lemme 'splain it: The girl who shared an office with my Big J (the Incedent where that girl ate part of Jef's food!) was relieved of her duties yesterday. Something about a test she couldn't pass. It wasn't a Medical Terminology test either people.

----> Insert Evil Laughter Here <-----


And speaking of Med Term, I got a very good grade on my last test... a 101. I am totally digging this class!


Let's see... lots to catch up on today: The cat came home. Oh- I forgot to tell you the cat ran away 2 days ago. He saw the open door and zooop!~ he was gone. However, being a cat, when the temp hit 25 degrees and rain started blowing he showed up on the front porch not too worse for wear.


I saw a billboard today from a local church cult (they lock the doors so no one can leave until the donation "goal" is reached every Sunday and the preacher lives in a 7 Million Dollar Lake Home, so I vote cult!) that said, "Make fasting a part of your life". I grimaced at the location of the sign- above a Krystal- and sped away to get a fast food breakfast at the Micky Dees.

Speaking of breakfast, I lost my coffee this morning and had to search the whole house for it. About 5 minutes later I found my cup o' Joe, right next to my flash cards. The card on top was dementia. And now the flash cards are mocking me!

--The Milk Maid said Happy 300th Post to me!

(Not all 300 are published, the big celebration will be at the "real" 300th posted post).

Picture This

Ava learned how to climb out of her crib this weekend... no photo of this yet, and thanks to her new crib tent there most likely wont be any photos!

However, here is a great shot of Ava learning to pole dance on the end table...

And another...

My mother made the mistake of asking what Jef and I did all weekend. I told her we just hung around and had a little Sunday afternoon Menage a Trois...

She promptly fainted.

--The Milk Maid says get your minds of the gutter!

They Are Runnin' 2 A Day Thru Blogtown...

I hate to blog twice in one day (ok, well maybe not hate).

I just have this heaviness in my heart that wont stop, and I guess I'm gonna dump it here:

Jef's sister is coming to get the Jeep this afternoon... Jef's dad decided that he needed the money more than Jef needed the memories of Ronny, so he's taking it back. I wont go into details, but the whole situation really sucks. It hurts my very soul to know that something that meant so much to Ronny, and therefore meant so much to Jef, will be gone shortly and it's all about the almighty dollar. Everything is fleeting. Everything is transient.

If course that flails me into the reality that so many women- women I know and love- have lost so much more than a silly car. And of course that makes me feel guilt. Guilt for having two great, happy, healthy children. Guilt for getting frustrated when said children break the rules or cry for no reason or break things. Frustrated for the simple fact that there isn't a damn thing I can do to FIX any of these women's misgivings.

Short of doing something like this:

I came into the kitchen yesterday morning as I was readying Faith for school and saw a glass of water on the counter that Jef had drank part of before leaving for work. The ice wasn't yet melted. Panic... I immediately called him to make sure he was alright. Of course he was, and he thought I was a wiener for calling and sounding so worried. All I could imagine, as I watched the little ice cubes float around in the water in the glass in the counter was what if he's gone? Here sits something that has very little meaning, but it will have survived long after he could have been taken from me.

It's all very fleeting, isn't it?

No Oompah In My Loompah

I'm trying to study flash cards and do some book work, but my brain seems to be either out of gas (insert your favorite fart joke here) or has malfunctioned to the point that I will never be able to concentrate on anything (other than blogging or sex) for more than 10 seconds at a time.

On a different note, no one (except Kat at BB) has had ANY suggestions for my 300th post. "I'm terribly disappointed!" she said scoldingly. Then she sloughed away and sulked in a corner and had lots of coffee and got over it. Mostly.

Zeus didn't eat any of the other doggies at our class. In fact, he was very well behaved and did everything I asked him to do. He won the Dog of the Night Award, which means he got a chew toy, which means that he now loves Trainer Woman much more than he loves me. Everyone was afraid of Zeus at first- one lady said "Oh My God don't let him eat me!". Never missing a chance to be a smart ass I countered with, "He only eats lean meat, lady!"... I'm damn glad I wore my Bitch Shoes to class.

Ava is still sick. I still have snotty boobs. She's added a new trick to her repertoire: When she's nursing she will get frustrated because she can't breathe from her nose so she bites me. Then I yelp, then she laughs, then I take the boobs away, then she screams, then my eyes pop out of my head. It's actually pretty funny... at least that's Jef's take on the whole deal. I remind him that he will nod off to sleep sometime...

--The Milk Maid says chicka de china the chinese chicken!

drug rehabilitation

I'm A Mish-Mash In A Bottle, C'mon C'mon

This Mish-Mash has nothing to do with Christina or Bottles. Or genies even.

In fact, I have no clue as to where this Mish-Mash will go, but that is usually the way it works!

I have had only ONE response as far as a 300th post contest and give away. Unless you get of your duff right now and submit an idea or two for what I should write about on my 300th post, then I will have to go with Kat's idea. It's not a bad idea actually, but you all are so creative- surely someone has a quirky and fun 300th post idea. Anyone?

I have started cleaning and organizing my house. We don't live in filth by any means (well, my mother thinks we do, but her house smells like dog pee plus she's really biased), but the house needs a good cleanse. I wish they made a magic pill I could shove into the A/C return-like a colon cleanse for the house! Jef thinks we should rent a construction dumpster and toss everything and start over again. I'm not too far away from that thought process myself.

Well gang, my To-Do List for the day isn't going to do itself...

--The Milk Maid says shoo-shoo, make fire!

This-n-thats

Today has been busy. Productive? Sort of.

I studied a lot this morning- I already feel very confident about my terms this week! The teacher was worried I "wouldn't get it" since I haven't taken anatomy yet. Honestly, if I put this in front of you...

pelv/i = ___________

... what body part would you say that is (pelvis)? See my point? Oh, how about this one:

(suffix) "-blast" = ____________

You ladies should know that one... Embryonic cell (example: my/o/blast is an embryonic cell that develops into a muscle cell).

Anyways... Enough school talk. Let's talk about Big Bad Zeus!

Zeus and I have a Manners and More class tonite. Whee! Seriously, I have homework for the manners class. Sure- I had plenty of time to let Zeus taste test 10 different varieties of treats to see if he liked them. The dog ate the activated charcoal when I took him to the vet a while back (gleefully I might add). He eats his own POOP for crying out loud! I'm sure he loves Beefie Yum-Yums too.

Our doggie classmates (which we haven't met yet because the 1st class was an orientation) include a 9 week old German Shepard named Bruce Almighty, a Havanese (that's up to 8 lbs!) named Gloria, and a mixed Shepard who is 10 weeks old named Sue or Sally or ?-something. Zeus is 6 months old (approx). He weighed 53 lbs at the vet our last visit. This is going to be interesting to say the least. I hope he doesn't eat anyone.

In other news, Ava has a cold. Yep- she's a snot monster. She wants to nurse, but gets all pissed when she can't breathe thru her nose. How does she remedy this situation? She uses my boobage as a kleenex. Brilliant indeed!

Faith is joining the Junior Master Gardener Club at school. I'm a little wary of this, because the girl isn't very gentle with plants. Hopefully, she will learn (quickly!) and enjoy being in the garden as much as I am. Hopefully, she won't have to bring any plants home that need to live inside... Plants don't last very long here. Don't get me wrong- I love having plants and even small trees inside! But with a cat and a dog and a baby stuff seems to get scattered about. Plus, it's One More Thing that I will have to take care of before I can take care of myself. At least plants don't whine to go potty. Or wipe snot on your ninnies.

--The Milk Maid says what's one more matchstick on the inferno?

The Maelstrom Continues...

Everyone go give my girl Tracey some love and support.

Hopefully, the Shit Storm of '08 will be coming to an end soon. I do not think that mentally or physically I can take any more, and I'm just an onlooker.

All my love, prayers, and healing energy to all my friends who are out there hurting. It's not fair. None of this is fair.

Tuesday 1.22.08

It's still cold and rainy and below freezing here... meaning sleet or ice is expected soon. Bleh- Georgia usually doesn't have weather like this in such long spurts. I'm ready to move to the tropics. Michelle, do you need a roomie in Guam?

I had my 2nd Med Term test today... I made a 96. I was disappointed. The couple of questions I missed I totally over analyzed and over-answered. Imagine me going overboard on something- hard to do right? I had to step back and remind myself that if I'd made a 96 on a science related test (or, well any kind of test except English) in high school I would have had the attitude of "Whew- suck it! I'm not studying anymore until I'm in danger of a low C in this class."

Damn, I guess this means I am more grown up than I thought. Maybe I should go throw a rock at someone to counteract my "adultness".

--The Milk Maid says people in glass houses shouldn't walk around in the buff.

For All My Sisters

My sister-in-law emailed this to me and I had to share it... It's a bit long, but well worth the read.
*~*~*~*~*~*

Sisters
A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day,
drinking iced tea and visiting with her Mother. As
they talked about life, about marriage, about the
responsibilities of life and the obligations of
adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her
glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance
upon her daughter.

'Don't forget your Sisters,' she advised, swirling
the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. 'They'll
be more important as you get older. No matter how
much you love your husband, no matter how much you
love the children you may have, you are still going
to need Sisters. Remember to go places with them now
and then; do things with them.'

'Remember that 'Sisters' means ALL the women...
your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other
women relatives too. 'You'll need other women. Women
always do.'

What a funny piece of advice!' the young woman
thought. Haven't I just gotten married?
Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a
married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup! Surely
my husband and the family we may start will be all I
need to make my life worthwhile!'

But she listened to her Mother. She kept contact
with her Sisters and made more women friends each
year. As the years tumbled by, one after another,
she gradually came to understand that her Mom really
knew what she was talking about. As time and nature
work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman,
Sisters are the mainstays of her life.

Here is what I've learned:

Time passes.
Life happens.
Distance separates.
Children grow up.
Jobs come and go.
Love waxes and wanes.
Men don't do what they're supposed to do.
Hearts break.
Parents die.
Colleagues forget favors.
Careers end.
BUT.........

Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how
many miles are between you. A girl friend is never farther away
than needing her can reach.

When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you
have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life
will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on,
praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on
your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the
valley's end.

Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk
beside you...Or come in and carry you out.

--The Milk Maid needs a tissue.

cat bed

Friday Mish-Mash 1.18.08

Random fact: Of the almost 300 posts I have written, only 5 are unpublished. Not a bad track record!

I've been looking back through a lot of my old posts this morning. It's nice to see progress, although I can see a lot of backing up too! I have managed to hold fast to my 2008 resolution of being nicer to myself. Probably because I don't have time to throw on my boxing gloves and beat myself up, but whatever works right?

I was thinking about doing a little something special for my 300th post... a contest or giveaway maybe. Any ideas on something that would be fun to do (and something even more fun to get for doing it) are appreciated. Kat- I hear your brain grinding away with good ideas. That padded cell really has an echo!

Well, if every one's thinking cap is seated firmly in place, then I will leave you with a photo of the snow (people above the Mason-Dixon line will laugh at this, as will people west of here) we got Wednesday night:

Blowing Snow

"No peepee! No peepee!"

Not enough to cover the walk way!

And a Zeus Bonus Shot:

"Why you look at me on warm side of glass mommy? Lemme in!"

--The Milk Maid says line dry only.

Fun, Tying Loose Ends

FUN:

I Could Definitely Be a Vampire...

Immortality, staying pretty forever, not having to get a job... you could definitely eat some flesh for these things.

It's not that you're a murderer by nature. In fact, you're probably the furthest thing from it.

However, if you woke up a vampire, you'd certainly be able to adapt and enjoy your new lifestyle.

There might not be much better than living forever, even if it means giving up your soul.

What you would like best about being a vampire: Being a total outsider

What you would like least about being a vampire: Other vampires

Could You Be a Vampire?

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LOOSE ENDS:

I am supposed to write a whole blog about my opinion of mustard and give an honest review. Now, I love mustard as much as the next person- and the two full sized, free samples I was sent of Grey Poupon were awesome! So awesome was the Harvest Course Ground style mustard that I will be making it my go-to fancy mustard! But how much can one person write about this yellow stuff? Not a whole blog... moving on!

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I got this bling the other day:

from Tammy... Thanks so much girl!!! I don't know how much of a purpose I have other than making people laugh, but I suppose we all have our calling.

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GUIDELINES: Awarded parties must nominate five people who have not received the award. The blogs that receive the award must serve some purpose. In their post about the award they need to link back to the original entry. Awarded parties must post the award banner on their site. The banner must remain linked to Eric Novak's site.

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My nominees are:

1. R from Rajen Creation for allowing us to be a part of her journey to and thru her pregnancy... I have learned so much from this girl! Most of which I can blog about (*wink*).
2. K from Weebles Wobble because when we aren't laughing out butts off at her scathing witt and warped humor, we are learning how hard it is to cross the divide from infertile to pregnant.
3. Deena at The Lazy P... she's had so many ups and downs in her world the past year, but she always pulls through and moves forward with grace. We could all learn something from Deena.
4. Cora at Adventures of Ethan. This is the mama duck of them all... if you don't know her or read her blog, you should. With 4 kids in the house there is always a lesson to learn.
5. Kat at Baby Bound has had a huge string of crap-luck. How she manages to stay sane is beyond me... go give that girl some muppet love gang!

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--The Milk Maid says boom chaka lacka!

It's My Very Own Circus

I have always been very good at multi-tasking. For example:

• I keep a minimum of 2 (usually more like 4) browser tabs open on my computer at ALL times.
• I can drink a glass of wine and play Wii tennis with minimal spillage.
• I can walk, talk, chew gum, and think all at the same time (usually).
• I can talk on the phone and type simultaneously without confusing my conversations while calming a screaming toddler as I prepare the dog's food as Faith is singing and wearing a cape and no shirt or pants and I am checking her homework.

So today when I studied more Med Terminology and kept Ava occupied, it was really no sweat at all to clicker train the dog.

I ran into trouble only once when I mistakenly fed Ava a snausage treat and tried to put a diaper on the dog.

--The Milk Maid says her tank is empty, but her brain is full.

Happy Monday x 2!

Did I mention I had a Medical Terminology test today on ALL (well, almost all) of the prefixes and suffixes associated with medical terminology?

Out of approximately 30 people in the 2 classes of Med Term 109, all but 5 failed.

Four of those five got a 74 or below as their test score.

I got a 99.

Ninety-nine.

Fabulous. No, fabMElous! My head will not even fit into this room right now. Although B promised me a stick to help hold it up.

--The Milk Maid says watch your posterior, because I am a pandemic!

Happy Monday!

moar funny pictures

Ava's Latest Footwear

As promised, pics of the too cute shoes!

Our model shows us the latest trend in S.ketchers "Cali Girl" brand!

She holds the shoes for a closer view... soft, light weight, and easily washed!

Tested for tuffness!

N.ike... again, soft and light weight with thick rubber soles!

Perfect for a night on the town. Both shoes (and pants) are recommended!

Checkup Day Mish Mash

Ava had her 15 month check up this morning...

Stats: She is 34" tall (above the 100% percentile) and 25.4 lbs (around 75%).

Antics: She took the doctor's pen away, dumped a low lying jar of tongue depressors on the floor, took a swing at the nurse when she was giving her the chickenpox vaccine, logged herself into the Dr's computer (um, easy password or hacker genius?), and had a blast jabbering and being the center of attention!

Ava has outgrown every pair of shoes she owns within the past 2 weeks. Of course it doesn't help that she spreads her toes out as wide as they will go so I can't get shoes on her feet. Anyways, I went to Ko.hls after her appointment and bought her 2 new pairs of shoes! If she will let me take them away from her I will get a clear photo of them and show you guys (A-dooor-able!). I keep telling her she is too young for such a hardcore shoe fetish! She exploded when I gave the shoes to the cashier to be rung up... Patience my dear, and a little self control!

Ok- it's back to the books for me... I am a studying fool. For once, having an obsessive compulsive tendency is totally paying off!

--The Milk Maid says TGIF!
student loans

PS- As a footnote to my Darn That Box Wine Post:
Michell, I saw Mr. Happy about the same time as Faith did, so I kicked it under the bed and told her it was an old remote control. Technically, it is- right? *wink*

As far as how much box wine was left after my little, er "episode" well- it's hard to say. The box is still heavy. Maybe I can invent the Box-Wine-Gauge... in all my spare time I will definitely do that! I wasn't too hungover, so I probably didn't get that much to drink, it just all went to my crazy spot.

Darn That Box Wine

In celebration of no school today I decided to buy myself a box of wine last night. My plan was to have a few glasses while kicking back and watching Ghost Hunters.

They really need to put a darn gauge on that box wine. There are 5 whole liters in that freakin' box- how am I supposed to know how much alkomahaul I have imbibed? After my second glass I can't count anyway, then Jef is always so helpful by refilling my glass when I get lost and wander the house go potty, so that throws my pseudo-count off even more (ya know for the longest time I thought there was a Wine Fairy in the house, but that's another story).

To make a long story short I did the following while totally tipsy:

• Sent emails
• Lots of emails
• Rambled via instant message
• Cried (don't remember why or what about)
• Attempted sex
• Almost fell off bed
• Lost Mr. Happy Vibe (didn't remember that part until this morning when Faith was all "What's that mommy?")
• Swapped sides in the bed with Jef sometime during the night
• Dreamed about going to Utah to find Dooce

Oh, you wanna hear the Dooce dream?

*Faith and I walked to Utah (pushing Ava in the stroller) because after Dooce's last photo I really wanted to see her beautiful city for myself. I had my camera with a massive telephoto lens so I could take photos for a scrapbook. Suddenly, I see the exact same mountain pictured in the photograph! I knew it was the same mountain because a house was being built on the very top of the mountain (in dream world, of course). I looked down from the roadside and saw a playground. There was Leta, Dooce's daughter, and she was playing basketball with another little girl. I look up and see a high rise condo- and immediately I knew that this is where Dooce must live. I start taking photos of the balcony and out walks Dooce with her camera! We took 472 pictures of each other taking pictures of the other person. Dooce went back inside and closed her blinds. Faith then shouted, "Look mom!" and turned into a calico wolverine. Faith, as the calico wolverine, then climbed up the balconies to get to Dooce's home and knocked on the door. Dooce opened the door and was laughing as Faith (the calico wolverine version) ate her.

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Add this to the list (#7238) of why I do not need to buy any more box wine!

--The Milk Maid really likes Dooce and would never allow her daughter to turn into a calico wolverine and eat anyone! Let alone anyone as funny as Dooce!!

Take this tiny flower pot, fill it with saline, and shove it up your nose!

You heard me right...

Take this tiny flower pot:

Fill it with the saline solution from a premeasured packet. Now, shove the end of the pot in your nose, tilt your head forward (but not too forward) and let the water run through your sinuses. Um, definately breathe through your mouth here... drowning at the expense of health really negates its purpose.

What? You say I've lost my mind? You obviously haven't heard the rave reviews about the Neti Pot. Just look- they are out there, promise. Oprah did it... C'mon y'all!

I've tried it and I LOVE it. I can breathe without the whistle-nose effect. My ears don't feel stopped up. I haven't had the booger scaffolding I usually get in the winter. I do this every day now!

Jef tried it. He slept better that night than he has in a very long time-- because he could breathe. Plus, he didn't snore!

For around $15 you too can have your very own Neti Pot with a month's worth of saline mix. They are out there- grocery stores, drug stores, internet stores.

Anyone else tried this?

Did I Mention?

In all the chaos that is my life, did I mention the emergency trip to the vet with Zeus?

Friday afternoon I came home from a little morning outing (read: shopping) and let Zeus into the backyard. The fenced backyard that we just spent a wad to get fenced that we had to revamp in places to keep him inside said yard- yup, that yard! So, out he went and I got Ava a little lunch, she took a very short nap, I read the blogs, unloaded the dishwasher. All in all about an hour and a half went by. I had peeked out to check on Zeus about 4 times during all this because I am paranoid. Seems that somewhere between the 4th and 5th look at Zeus my paranoia wasn't unjustified.

I open the door to call Zeus in for a little crate time and he was slobbering profusely. He looked rabid, actually. Drool-licklick-droooool-foam.

"Not good," I thought as I grabbed him and put him into his crate. I got him water to drink just in case he was too hot. He looked at me and lost all bowel control in a nice big brown watery flood.

I called mom, "I'm bringing Ava, Zeus is sick, don't ask questions!"

I called the vet, "I'm bringing Zeus, he might have gotten into something poisonous, be there in 10 minutes!"

I put an old quilt in the back of the SUV, loaded Zeus (who luckily only pooped on the tile), grabbed Ava and drove across the yard to mom's, then made a b-line for the vet.

I called Jef. He was worried we were going to lose yet another dog to a mysterious poison.

Long story short, the vet gave Zeus activated charcoal (which he ate happily!), he ran an IV for a few hours, and they never detected any poison or toxins in his system whatsoever.

A $250 mystery!

At least he's ok...

...But his Doggie Treat Fund is now being funnelled into the "Steam Clean the Armada's Carpet" fund.

--The Milk Maid kindly refrained from photographic evidence of the above reference account.